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Giving up
Apr 11, 2006
Hi, my first post. I have always had issues with anger, I was put away for a total of 10 out of 25 years but got out on the account of my medication was working out really well, I completely changed, I was like a totally different person. Everything was starting to work out. For mental disorders I have Schizopherenia, Anxiety Disorder, ODC, Bipolar disorder, Disasociation and Depression. I'm currently on the following meds for this particular problems; 1200mg of Seroquel, 6 mg of Risperdal, 250mg Trazedone, 60mg Celexa, 150mg CPZ, and 2mg Lorazepam. I have had well over 30 psychiatrists who either now have given up on me and thrown me to another one, or have restraining orders against me. Lately I've been feeling like my mental state is beginning to desend again. I feel out of control, I'm usually well tempered but when I go into these fits I feel I'm not the one controlling my body anymore I've been screaming and hitting the people I love, I break everything in arms reach, I cut myself, I'm telling people I care about I'm going to kill them or myself, I'm talking to myself again, I am always hitting my head against objects, I'll get black eyes and bumps on my head from whatever I've done, I've even pulled knives on family and friends and all the while I'm doing this I seem to be somewhere else watching myself do it, I keep screaming for me to stop but I wont listen! I try to talk to my current shrink and she just doesn't care! She'll say things like "what a shame, did you know I went to Florida beach the other day? I have such a busy life, I need another vacation!" I know if I talk to other people they will want me to go back to jail or a lock up ward again. But if I go back one more time I don't get out until my 25 years are up! (I'm on a Form 4) That's the last thing I want, I'm to be married in the next few months. I'll be getting a new apartment(I live on the street right now), etc. Maybe this is me taking a bad stress attack? There has to be an alternative to stop this. I'm ruining my life all over again and all I want is to die. Please try to give me suggestions I have no one else to talk to about this. I don't know what to do, I'm usually very friendly and talkative, I try to help everyone, but I hate myself so much because as you can see, I'm only talking about myself. :( I feel so useless.

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