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Mental Health Message Board


Mental Health Board Index


What do I have?
Jun 20, 2006
im 18 finally and am gona go to the docs. ive bin searching for nearly 4 yrs what cud possibly be wrong and have never found an answer. its beyond hormones now, i am old enough to recognise what is normal and what is abnormal. ive done sum research, im not diagnosing myself but i wana know if ne of u guys have ne suggestions-id like to hear ur stories.

i am and always have been very shy and quiet, im very nervous in social situations, i sumtimes dnt speak cos i know ill say sumthig stupid, if i do i make an *** of myself at times. i do have freinds however-just my wee group.i hate being centre of attention, i shake and get panic attacks if i have to read out in public. i feel extremely detatched from every1, in social conversation sumtimes i find it difficult to respond appropraitly, like i forget social skills, i cant read others right and i assuke they dnt like me, i analyse every little detail of what is said and what may be said, i live in fantasies were im at ease with pple and have invented relationships with them, in conversation sumtimes i think i project the wrong tone and character of myself, i dont know how to regulate myself or how other percieve me therefore i dont understand how to respond to them. its like i have no sense of me on the outside or inside.i am very inconsistant and can jump from topic to topic-sumtimes thru nervousness.

ive always bin rather tantrum prone. to strangers im quiet and afraid, but at home i was a nightare child. i was that child screaming in the supermarket on the floor, kicking my legs and pulling at the shelves, id grab hold of other trolleys, if any1 tried to pick me up id kick and hit them, id scream my lungs out hysterically. if i was locked in the car for being bad in the shop id kick and beat the windows and the backs of seats while they r driviing. i wud thro things at home, not small things(like a play kitchen set or a wendy house),id kick the walls and run at the doors banging off them and screaming, id stamp on the floor up and down screaming, if pple r watching tv id turn it off. when i was told off or shouted at, or smacked id push it further, i am rather stubborn with them and wud carry on,i wud just repeat myself over and over again till i was smacked and sent to my room(were id throw stuff and kick the walls and door-i broke the door once too).i was aged like 3-8 were did all this anger come from? my parents did everything, i cant blame them for being at their wits end, i did deserve what i got obviously, but i remember just having no control over the anger i felt, i genuinley beleived i was rite, i felt hurt and angry at the same time, i was so horrrible the things id scream and do, yet if i was left r in trouble i was deeply hurt-i as soo frustarted. i grew out of this obviously, i still have rages tho. not as much, im known in the house as the snappy one, who will argue. there are tiffs alot but everyso often there is a major blow off were i scream in my parents faces, if they smacked me(which doesnt happen much now cos im too old) i hit them back(i shudnt dot that i know), i go to my room and cry cos im so furious i cant contain it, i cut and bang my head off the wall over and over again-not hard just to focus, i am on the floor again. i cannot calm down but then i realsie im furoius with myself.i get spakred off so easy, i feel it burning inside me but i usually cant hold it in, the only other way is to cut.

my relationships r crap. im 18 and have never had a proper boyfriend-how sad. i cannot be interested(im not gay i just feel nothning), i kiss pple wen im out but thats it. i feel distanced and dont want them near me or in my business. i also feel i am inept to it, i cant form these relationsjips easily, its very stressful and i cant socially manage it.

my past may have sumthign to do with it, i was badly bullied at school for no reason other than i was different cos i was quiet,they chased me with knives, then the teachers were mostly the same-bullies. i cudnt do the work or understand it, i was the youngest in the class and had the worst attention span, i was known as the day dreamer. i was sent to the special class for a while to get extra help but that didnt last long. then wen i was 9/10 a boy of 15 kept taking me off and touching me and getting me to touch him-we were sposed to be playing hide and seek.i think this si the reason i feel angry at boys sumtimes just for beihg boys.

i have hidden depression for 3 years, its cleared now abit-im just always numb now, im generally negetive and nothing seems exiting now everything is dull really, i dnt cut much now, i have also battlled eating problems and almosty commited suicide once but changed my mind when i was looking out the window ledge. i feel i cud never hurt those i love, i wd die for them. i am so afraid of loosing them i worry alot wen theyre not ther, if theyve bin killed. i get intrusive thoughts at times of gory images, and morbid thoughts alot, i used to turn light switches off and plugs and stuff as a child but not noticably much. i twitch a bit also my body parts(looks weird). pleas help i know tis sooo long but im so confused. this has not changed in 4 years, i need an answer. i have cyles sumtimes were my mood is fine, numb then bang a period of deep depression. sumtimes tho just thought the day i get a sudden anger, or depression moves in and i think of suicide, yet other times im so happy. i exercise alot and try to east rite but nothing works. i worry cos i hurt alot around me when im in a mood, but i cant control it, i hate myself and the person at the time but i dont want to be rejected by them-i have a massive fear of rejection/plz help xox
Re: What do I have?
Jun 21, 2006
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im 18 finally and am gona go to the docs. ive bin searching for nearly 4 yrs what cud possibly be wrong and have never found an answer. its beyond hormones now, i am old enough ojn stuff but im soo confused, im not diagnosing myself with anything but i wana know if ne of u guys have ne suggestions-id like to hear ur stories.ive always bin different and abit inconsistant in mood and a bit erratic.i just want ur opinions please so i can get a feel for it.

i am and always have been very shy and quiet, im very nervous in social situations, i sumtimes dnt speak cos i know ill say sumthig stupid, if i do i make an *** of myself at times. i do have freinds however-just my wee group.i hate being centre of attention, i feel like every1 is looking at me, i shake and get panic attacks if i have to read out in public. i feel extremely detatched from every1, in social conversation sumtimes i find it difficult to respond appropraitly, like i forget social skills, i cant read others right and i assuke they dnt like me, i analyse every little detail of what is said and what may be said, i live in fantasies were im at ease with pple and have invented relationships with them, in conversation sumtimes i think i project the wrong tone and character of myself, i dont know how to regulate myself or how other percieve me therefore i dont understand how to respond to them. its like i have no sense of me on the outside or inside.i am very inconsistant and can jump from topic to topic-sumtimes thru nervousness.

ive always bin rather tantrum prone. to strangers im quiet and afraid, but at home i was a nightare child. i was that child screaming in the supermarket on the floor, kicking my legs and pulling at the shelves, id grab hold of other trolleys, if any1 tried to pick me up id kick and hit them, id scream my lungs out hysterically. if i was locked in the car for being bad in the shop id kick and beat the windows and the backs of seats while they r driviing. i wud thro things at home, not small things(like a play kitchen set or a wendy house),id kick the walls and run at the doors banging off them and screaming, id stamp on the floor up and down screaming,id hit people if they tried anything to stop me, scratch-i was like a wild animal! if pple r watching tv id turn it off, id throw things everywere. when i was told off or shouted at, or smacked id push it further, i am rather stubborn with them and wud carry on,i wud just repeat myself over and over again till i was smacked and sent to my room(were id throw stuff and kick the walls and door-i broke the door once too).i was aged like 3-8 were did all this anger come from? my parents did everything, i cant blame them for being at their wits end, i did deserve what i got obviously, but i remember just having no control over the anger i felt, i genuinley beleived i was rite, i felt hurt and angry at the same time, i was so horrrible the things id scream and do, yet if i was left r in trouble i was deeply hurt-i as soo frustarted. i grew out of this obviously, i still have rages tho. not as much, im known in the house as the snappy one, who will argue. there are tiffs alot but everyso often there is a major blow off were i scream in my parents faces, if they smacked me(which doesnt happen much now cos im too old) i hit them back(i shudnt dot that i know), i go to my room and cry cos im so furious i cant contain it, i cut and bang my head off the wall over and over again-not hard just to focus, i am on the floor again cryng and i punch my legs as hard as i can till theyre bruised and swell up, i pull my hair too sumtimes and scratch my nails down my face and in my head.. i cannot calm down but then i realsie im furoius with myself.i get spakred off so easy, i feel it burning inside me but i usually cant hold it in, the only other way is to cut.

my relationships r crap. im 18 and have never had a proper boyfriend-how sad. i cannot be interested(im not gay i just feel nothning), i kiss pple wen im out but thats it. i feel distanced and dont want them near me or in my business. i also feel i am inept to it, i cant form these relationsjips easily, its very stressful and i cant socially manage it.i have a small group of freinds of about 3 or four that i am comfortable with, but alot of my thoughts i must keep in my head cos theyre strange.

my past may have sumthign to do with it, i was badly bullied at school for no reason other than i was different cos i was quiet,they chased me with knives, then the teachers were mostly the same-bullies. i cudnt do the work or understand it, i was the youngest in the class and had the worst attention span, i was known as the day dreamer. i was sent to the special class for a while to get extra help but that didnt last long.i cud never grasop nething-my big broplem was maths but then they said i was crap at english too and most other things-now im going to study english at uni so that was rubbish. but i am hopeless at maths. then wen i was 9/10 a boy of 15 kept taking me off and touching me and getting me to touch him-we were sposed to be playing hide and seek.i think this si the reason i feel angry at boys sumtimes just for beihg boys.

i have hidden depression for 3 years, its cleared now abit-im just always numb now, im generally negetive and nothing seems exiting now everything is dull really, i dnt cut much now, i have also battlled eating problems and almosty commited suicide once but changed my mind when i was looking out the window ledge. i feel i cud never hurt those i love, i wd die for them. i am so afraid of loosing them i worry alot wen theyre not ther, if theyve bin killed. i get intrusive thoughts at times of gory images, and morbid thoughts alot, i used to turn light switches off and plugs and stuff as a child but not noticably much. i twitch a bit also my body parts(looks weird).i laso get obbsessed, over lots of things, books,tv shows, charachters and very often people. i invent little worlds in myhead, i invent relatiionsips with people, i spend days in these little worlds and id rather be doing this alot than bering in the real world.if i get obsessed over sumthing i talk constantly about it, it annoys pple sumtimes but i spend hours searching the net, getting pics and the the rest of the time thinkig about it. pleas help i know tis sooo long but im so confused. this has not changed ive always bin weird and different., i need an answer-i cannot tell ne1 tho, to sum i know well they forget and i look normal, i dnt ract to them with anger really tho-just at home weirdly, others see me as strabnge or distant- a bit random at times.. i have cyles sumtimes were my mood is fine, numb then bang a period of deep depression. sumtimes tho just thought the day i get a sudden anger, or depression moves in and i think of suicide, yet other times im so happy. i exercise alot and try to east rite but nothing works. i worry cos i hurt alot around me when im in a mood, but i cant control it, i hate myself and the person at the time but i dont want to be rejected by them-i have a massive fear of rejection/plz help xox





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