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Re: What do I have?
Jun 21, 2006
Hello again!

You do sound somewhat like me at times...though I think you're more disturbed by how you feel than I've ever been. I find my symptoms more interesting than troubling, but that's obviously because they're not very extreme.

I too am sort of strange socially...like...it's sort of related to another thing, I always feel I'm being watched...not in a paranoid way, but like, just that I'm always super aware of how I'm looking and acting, etc...and I feel 100% self conscious all the time. So much so that I never act truly myself...I don't even know who I am. I always sort of adapt what I say and how I act to whoever I'm with. I know everyone does that, but...yeah. I do it to the point where I honestly do not know who I am.

Also, I have certain friends who are my real friends and I'm ok and comfortable around them, but...actually it's only really 2 people now. My partner and my ex-partner who is also my best friend. We've been best friends since we were 14, so half our lives. Pretty cool. But all my other "friends" (and I don't mean that rudely. They are lovely people and good friends, but I am never myself or comfortable around them so do not let them in really) don't really know me...

Like, I remember thinking a while ago that I had several people who I always saw (like in my group) like, 1-2 times a week or whatever, who were my friends, and yet I really had not progressed in terms of our conversations and friendship beyond the first few times we met, and yet we'd known each other for YEARS. That's a bit odd, I think. It's like, I'm friendly and ok when I first meet people (quiet and shy, but still ok) but then it just stops and never goes any further, no matter how much I see them or how long I know them! And they must think it's weird as well, or that I myself am weird, but I never sort of let on anything...I just keep acting as normal (or ABnormal as the case may be), cause I find the whole thing really embarrassing.

And to be really honest, I wouldn't really be overly upset if I never saw any of these people again...like, I'd be SAD but...meh. *shrug* I'd get over it. Only my best friend (and partner of course) would I be incredibly upset over.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a sociopath, but then I doubt it. But I think maybe the reason I can't usually progress in relationships (any relationships, not just romantic ones) is because I am never comfortable being myself, and so I always am waiting to sort of see what others are like and then adapt myself accordingly...but if I'm not sure what they're like themselves cause I don't know them well enough cause I don't give anything back to them in terms of conversation, then I can't really adapt, can I? And this is why I just...can't often think of anything to say to them...

Also, I'm usually just not that interested. *shrug* I'm sort of...I'm basically impossible to get to know on any level beyond superficial unless I really WANT you to know me. If I want to show you who I am (which I did with both my partner and my best friend), then you'll know me (if you stick around long enough). I also need a heap of time. Like, I really doubt I'm ever gonna make any more friends now who I'll be able to be myself with. I only made my best friend 14 years ago because we were in all the same classes together all the time so it was easier to get to know each other.

Like, another example is my boss who I (well, former boss as I left 2 weeks ago for another job with more hours and money *sad*) really liked and worked with for over 2 years. Basically, I am quite attached to him INSIDE my head, but he would not know this as I hardly said anything the whole time! I sort of allowed myself to think this wasn't that strange (I mean, I DID speak. We'd sometimes have conversations. It was just me and him in the office for most of the time I worked there), but then when 2 more people joined us (who I also really liked but couldn't express it), it became really clear that I was weird, cause they were normal and suddenly there was a LOT more normal, relaxed conversation going on.

So...yeah. I think I am socially retarded (someone actually called me this in high school. I was also bullied, though never physically, just constant sort of made to feel embarrassed and stuff...but I was SO quiet and already weird that I don't really blame them to be honest)...I think you may have generalised anxiety disorder perhaps, with a social phobia...but I don't know...





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