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I feel like I have three different personalities. They come up to the front whenever there's a certain trigger. I can intuitively spot and feel the trigger before it happens, but I can never seem to stop it from happening. A lot of times, I don't even realize what the trigger actually is. I honestly don't know who I am under all of this mess, or if I'm anyone at all.

The first personality is the schoolgirl. She's quiet, studious, a sweetheart, submissive, kind, helpful, and doesn't like butting in where she doesn't belong. She keeps to herself and doesn't want to be a bother. She's the image of a perfect child.

The second personality is the cynic. She's the complete opposite of the schoolgirl. She's easily agitated, looks down on others, thinks she's better than everyone else, hates everyone she comes into contact with and the mere thought of talking to one of her peers makes her want to scream in rage. Everything out of her mouth is spiteful. She's touchy, expects the worst out of everything, and is not one to be trifled with.

The third personality is the little girl. She loves to laugh, dance, make stupid jokes and sing. She babbles the most silly things you've ever heard. She would love nothing more than to break free and run away from everything. The thing is, she only comes out around VERY close and well trusted friends and family. It could takes months or years before she comes out from hiding (meaning it takes that long before I trust someone enough to let the girl show).

The most frustrating thing is that when it's not a full blown episode of one of them, but when it's a mixture of two. Socially, people see me most often as the school girl on the outside when I'll feel like the cynic on the inside. I have terrible memories of when the I experience the little girl and the cynic. I remember laughing and crying on the floor of my room more than once. I realize that these aren't seperate people - they're all me, of course - but I feel like a different person every time I go through these phases.

Not to mention that there are MANY times when I feel like the world is just passing by. Nothing feels real. I get numb and detatched. There are times when I feel like a robot and don't care about interaction, but I'll often find myself really, really longing to be loved and needed. At the same time, I like being by myself more than being around people. I don't have an interest with being around even the best of my friends. I guess you could say that I'm in love with the idea of love, but I have no motivation to achieve it. It's a vicious cycle.

People don't think I'm a bad person. Potential friends and romantic interests only get frustrated with me because I can't make a decent connection to them. I can never find any words to say. I go practically every school day without uttering a single word.

This all started in middle school, but I hadn't realized it then. I was just confused by my shifts in personalities. No, it's not just mood swings happening on bad days. It's actual personalities. I've got different value systems, beliefs, and opinions in those states. I'm me, but I feel so detatched from myself. Thing is, I don't know who "myself" is. I can't even tell if this is making any sense.

If this is caused by anxiety, it's only causing more of it by the day.

What's wrong with me? Is there even a name for it? Please, I'd love some help.

Thanks a bunch.





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