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Throughout most of my life, and over the past few years (or months), in particular, I have felt a very compelling urge to be alone - alone as in single, alone as in isolated from people, alone as in just me, myself, and I for the most part. Now, a lot of people have social anxiety disorder and fear getting out of the house and I believe that once upon a time, that used to be the case with me. Heck, I even remember brief periods of time here and there when I longed to go out and party but I was so lonely that I had no one to do this with. However, even during these periods when I was more "normal" than I am now, I always enjoyed the idea of coming home to my empty little apartment and sitting at my computer. I also had a lot of fear and shyness involved around being with people, especially larger groups and especially those I didn't know very well.

Over the past year or so, I've had a boyfriend. It was a huge change for me - one that I was very reluctant to make. We even moved in together and everything was/is fine. He is wonderful and I love him more than I've ever loved any other man, so lack of "being in love" is not a problem here. He treats me well, he has a good head on his shoulders and he is just a great "catch" in every way. Everyone who knows him/me/us believes that we have a wonderful relationship and are very lucky to have found each other.

The part about the relationship is true - it's great, but then there is that old me starting to come out and think that I need my aloneness. He is not clingy and he gives me a lot of space whenever I needed it, but I hate the attachment. I have suffered from depression over the past years and I feel that it's never been as bad as over this past year. I'm just miserable b/c I have this need to be "free", "independent" and I HATE people. THe b/f is very extroverted (although he really has calmed down a lot since he met me and has modified a lot of his life style habits to suit mine, which I truly appreciate), but I have no desire or need for parties, people, or get togethers of any sort. This is why I'm beginning to think that not only am I not being true to myself, but I'm also not being fair to him - always cranky, depressed, avoidant of social situations and any other events that normally bring joy to your average person, even if he/she is an introvert for the most part. I've tried to change my attitude, and I sometimes manage to do to only for brief periods of time, and then these thoughts about how much I miss my old life (as unhealthy as it was) start to come up and I feel guilty, and even more depressed and the cycle goes on and on.

I don't believe I have social anxiety disorder. I don't fear people - I just don't like them and I don't like being around them. I've done some research and it seems that I'm more on the schizoid/avoidant personality side of things... For example, I'm not the type of person who prefers to stay single b/c I have more options and social opportunities - no, on the contrary - I love(d) being single b/c there are more opportunitites to be A L O N E at any given time! I'm not the one who is scared of marriage, b/c I'm skeptical of it working out - no, I belive that I could eventually have a beautiful marriage/family/life with this man, but I can't b/c of my need to be by myself.

What to do, what to do? I feel sooooo messed up. I still can't quite figure out whether it's just this "illness" that's talking to me in this manner, trying to suck me back in, or if that really is the way of life that makes me happy and lets me be true to myself, as weird and as different from others that self may be...

Thoughts???





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