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I would like to keep this short but I have several issues and Im not sure where to start..

I wrote my post, and although its only off the top of my head, it seems like a lot to read so if you do not want to read everything just skip to the last 2 paragraphs.




My largest concern has to do with college. I know am VERY capable of gettings good grades, but every quarter I am getting very bad grades, several failing. my problem is that I dont study, I put things off. I go through the whole quarter not knowing anything, and because of that I dont know what is going on during class and I often skip or sleep during class. I always tell myself that I will study later. And then when I midterm or final comes up, I TRY to make myself study. I try, often all night, to get myself started. I even try to start studying for a midterm 3 days in advance, but I always end up only studying the hour immediately before the exam. I really want to do well - every quarter I start off optimistic and I sign up for a large load (lots of math and science) but I always end up very bad. I have high expectations and ambitions for myself. I want to grow up and do something great. I want to have an impact on this world, but I cant even get through college. I also come from a stereotypical asian family (you know, parents - or parent on my case, put a lot of pressure for you to do well in school, succeed, whatever) so there is a lot of pressure from my family to do well, as well as pressure from myself.

Next, I not very social. I dont want to see myself be alone, but often I feel it is more comfortable to be alone and miserable. I have some friends, but honestly I dont really like any of them. I think they are a bad influence for me. None of them are as intelligent as I am (Im not THAT smart, but I like people with some common sense), and none of them have much ambition. I never call them or initiate conversations with them, but they always call me and want to hang out and stuff. I wish they would stop talking to me and leave me alone so I can be by myself. Since middle school, I have been shy, I have had low self esteem, I have been bad at making friends. Ive never had a girlfriend, Ive never even really tried to get one. I feel awkward when Im around people. But, I really want to have friends I like, to be able to socialize comfortably, have a girlfriend, etc. This low self esteem has kind of made me feel.. depressed..? (im not really sure)

It takes me so much effort (not physical, but mental) to get something done. I always put something off for a VERY long time - even eating and sleeping (right now is 7 in the morning and I havent went to bed yet). Although I put things off, the issue eats at me and tears me apart. I am constanty thinking of what I am supposed to do, but I dont do it!! its like I dread doing that thing, so I push it away and I try to avoid it. I day dream a lot, and I spend a lot of my day doing nothing. I dread going to sleep because I can never go to sleep without having my mind race with thoughts. But once I am asleep I dont want to get out of bed and often I end up sleeping too much!!

Ever since I entered college, and started failing classes, I realized I have to do something. But I have been in this situation for a very long time (since middle school), I dont have the strength to pull myself out of this hole. I really think I am depressed, but I am not quite sure if I am imagianing it to so I have an excuse for my shortcommings. Almost every night I wish I have a gun so I just shoot myslelf and end everything, but I know I cannot do that because I have several family members and I know it would be selfish of me to put them through that. Out of highschool I wanted to join the army because I was feeling reckless, I wanted to do something dangerous where I can forget about the problems of everyday life. and plus, if i died, it wouldnt really be my fault. But being a stereotypical "scholarly" asian family, this is very unheard of so my mom wouldnt let me under any circumstances (I care about my family). I havent realy told any of my family members about my problems and I dont want to either because my mom doesnt beleive in things like "depression" - to her they are just excuses.

I have sought some outside help by seeing a counseler at the counseling center at school (it took my a lot of effort to take the initiative) for like 2 months, but she was not helpful at all and I stopped going. She told me everything I already knew and suspected. Anyways I already know what I should be doing. I should take care of things right away, take things in small chunks, work on my most basic needs first (eating regularly, sleeping,

I guess to sum it up, my high expectations of myself and my failure to do well in school is making me feel like crap. I dislike the few friends friends i have, I want them to go away. my lack of social skills and wanting to be alone makes me feel sad and miserable. My way of dealing with things I dont want to do is to avoid them and push them off, even though it only makes it worse. I feel hopeless and I really want to be dead. Im the type that looks and acts kind of emotionless (I keep it all in) and a few times I have even cried because I feel so hopeless (very unlike me). and Ive been going though all this for several several SEVERAL years (my counseler even told me it wont be easy to get out of it).

So what can I do? whats wrong with me? I really want there to be medication to help me out, perhaps to make me more active or whatever. are there any? I never go see doctors or psychiatrists, are they very expensive? is medicine expensive? If you have any advice on any aspect, please tell me (I dont expect anyone to respong to all of my issues). actually after writing this all out I feel so hopeless and now it seems like nothing can really help me. I also feel really stupid for posting here, im not the type to expect anything (like help) from anyone - although I wish I could. thanks for reading this anyways..





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