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I have to try and make this brief because my thoughts go in so many places. I am an abused person. I've been emotionally abused by my parents since I can remember, but didn't realize it was emotional abuse until about 10 years ago. I'm a woman in my late 50's who is STILL being hurt by my mother. My father passed away 10 years ago and I forgave him for much of the pain.

Without giving you my painful history, this is the latest incident and I think the last incident. As painful as it will be, I think that I have no choice but to sever with my 85 year old mother completely. That fills me with sadness, guilt, anger and depression.

My mother is a holocaust survivor. I give her lots of leeway for some bizarre behavior because of that. Yet, there is a real "syndrome" called "child of the survivor" syndrome whereby one sibling (child) is the scapegoat for all that has gone wrong in their lives. I am that scapegoat, although I never knew it. I just bought into their assesment of me as "bad, evil, trouble" and everything negative.

10 days ago I had an anaphylactic shock reaction to penicillin. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance with a code cart waiting as I lost my pulse and blood pressure. I am also a three time cancer survivor (thyroid). My mother, when informed by my S/O, pooh-poohed this incident as she pooh-poohed every time I was in Sloan Kettering getting treatment. Neither she nor my father EVER came to visit me in the hospital at Sloan Kettering, nor the 4 times I was in the hospital for lumpectomies. It's as if they didn't believe me.

When I passed out at the door of my home during the anaphylactic shock episode, I fell on my face and knocked out my front tooth. My horrific insurance provider is trying to NOT PAY for treatment and I'm horrified at being without a front tooth.

Knowing that I am getting an infection, and because it's a difficult financial time in my life, I pleaded with my mother to lend me some money to at least get a temporary tooth.

She not only REFUSED, she accused me of having my face bashed in by "criminal elements" (I'm NOT a criminal nor have I been except in her fantasy abetted by my hateful sisters) and she claimed that the story about why I went to the hospital was fabricated. I offered to send her the emergency room report and subsequently screamed at her about the abusive assumption based on NOTHING.

She now keeps "company" with an old man who is intrusive and controlling. He told her to NOT talk to me again and to hang up. I was so hurt I asked her how could she talk to me like that after I've been so sick and how could she allow a STRANGER whom she's known for only two years to have such influence. She told me that "he keeps her company" and that "he is very important to her" and that if he wants me OUT, I'm OUT!! Furthermore, she has a person who comes in at night to sleep in the spare bedroom so that she's not alone. This person is an illegal immigrant who steals from my mother. I have pleaded with my mother to come and live with me or let me find someone else to stay with her at night. She refuses. This illegal immigrant also does NOT like me because I've put her on notice that if she speaks badly to my mother or is caught doing anything wrong I will throw her out. This woman has given my mother an ultimatum that if she calls me at night she will NOT allow it.

My mother informed me, her daughter, that she's NO LONGER going to keep in touch with me because I LIE about my health (tears), and because the old man and the sleeping companion ARE IMPORTANT and I'm a bad person.

My mother has not called me for the last 3 days. She has called me every night for the last 35 years...but now, because she is WRONG in her assumption that I'm lying about my health she has decided to let an old man and an illegal alien dictate to her about my inclusion in her life.

I sit here horrified without a front tooth, feeling sick from the anaphylactic shock and feeling very upset, depressed and hurt by my mothers rejection over STRANGERS when I've done NOTHING but be an understanding daughter to her all my life. I'm the "bad" child...my two other sisters who gave her grandchildren of HELL and are married to monsters are "good". I persued a career and live with someone and never had children so I'm "bad". But, this has been going on since I was a child. I was NEVER good.

Now, I'm rejected for NO REASON.

I think I need to NEVER see her or talk to her again. The abuse has gone too far. If there is a GOD, she will answer.

For me...my rage is so intense at being wrongly accused and cast aside for strangers that I am in a severe depression.

I blame myself. I should have stopped this abuse YEARS AGO.

I feel so alone.
It is awful what some people have to live through. I really feel for you, the thought of someone so alone with this to bear. You say you should have stopped the abuse years ago, but you know, don't you, that that would have removed any hope that your mother would one day love you. That is why you put up with it year after year, a part of you never stopped hoping. Coming to the point where you are, when you realise that you will NEVER have a mother-daughter relationship is like hitting rock bottom. Now the only way is up. I hit that point some years ago, and after the rage and anger poured away, it was very liberating in a lot of ways. No more did I have to be on my guard, no more did I have to listen to her lies and accusations, no more did i have to blame myself for everything that was wrong. You sound as if you have come part way towards this already, in that you are not shouldering the blame for this woman's treatment of you. That is excellent. Now I think this is where you go to a counsellor, or group, and work on healing and nurturing yourself. In a way, you have to be your own mother, and take care of yourself emotionally. There are many brilliant books around which deal with toxic parents and the damage they do, and these will be very helpful. Live your life for you now, take no nonsense that is supposed to make you feel guilty, they all had their chance. Accept that you have no mother, that it is all up to you now, cut all contact. Blessings for your journey, Sera
Connun, I agree with Seraph, your mother will never change and she is very bad for your emotional and mental health. It is now time for you to heal and focus on yourself. Please keep posting.
Thank you both so much for your kind words. My head knows what I have to do, yet my heart is broken. I feel horrible guilt interwined with intense rage. My mother is 85 years old. I feel like I'm abandoning HER at the twilight of her life. Selfishly, I wonder how I would feel if I make no effort to grovel and do what she wants...make like nothing happened in a few days and continue on till the next abusive episode...which WILL happen. I have to live with being accused unfairly and being told that I come AFTER an old drooling man and an illegal immigrant who would dearly love for me to disappear so she can continue to steal from my mother. Most horrible for me is that I can't believe that my mother would have so little feeling for me that she would make up a FANTASY about how I was injured and run with it like it happened. My mother actually thinks that I WRONGED HER by exploding in anger when she "told" me that it was a criminal that knocked my teeth out during my participation in a criminal act. It's so incredible that I have to believe she knows that it's a fantasy. Yet, I'm her CHILD. Her first born. How could she do this to me during a time I'm so upset physically, emotionally and financially. Her response to me was that a "mother can say anything to a daughter". Saying and accusing and fantasty to this extent are different things. My mother has always thought the worst of me. When I got a 90 on a test in school her question (and my father too) was "who got a higher mark"? My sisters have taken up where my mother left off and they too treat me like a pariah with my mothers blessing. I just can't take this any longer. The abuse is total and complete and I fear for myself if I allow it to continue. It's affected every part of my life even though I only talked to her once every day. Yet, I do love my mother because she IS my mother...and I fear how I will react if she passes...if ANYONE even lets me know. I've been isolated. I am not invited to weddings or births of my sisters children and my mother tells anyone that asks that I CHOOSE not to participate. I feel that I'm being abused by being excluded and then get abused once more by being made the FALL GUY for not going to the events. I feel horrible. I feel angry. I feel so completely devistated and sad...and most of all...I feel guilty because I KNOW that I can't put all aside at the twilight of her life and accept one more morsel of cruelty.

If there is a GOD, I ask him WHY????

I sit here wondering if my mother cares that I am housebound because I am so embarrased about not having a tooth and she KNOWS that financially I'm at a horrible point in my life. Even if she hates me...why would she do this? She gives to the "poor". Why not give some empathy and caring to her "child"?

I hate her and at the same time feel bad for hating her. I truly hate her right now. Hate her cruelty, lack of caring and her ability to give me a lifetime of abuse while I just raged back at her...but took it allowing HER to feel SHE is the abused person. Why do people always look at the REACTION instead of what percipitated the reaction?

When will this poison in my life stop?
Write a letter to your mother. Never mind that you probably won't post it. Write it from the heart and say what you wish that she would hear. Tell her everything that is hurting you and tell her how you feel. Tell her what you wish she would do for you. Addressing it to her is much more powerful and effective for you than telling your story, although that is necessary too. Post it here if you wish to share it. I will read it if you do. Keep talking. It sounds as if, financially, therapy may not be an option just at the moment, so vent here, there is a lot of support here. Sera
Connun, your mother isn't healthy emotionally or mentally. Her abuse of you had nothing to do with you, it was only about her issues, you were just the target. No normal person would do this to their child. You certainly deserved better than this and I am sorry. You can now move on, however if you chose to make some tough choices. I hear you feeling very guilty about cutting her out of your life. You have nothing to feel guilty about in my opinion. Your mother has made these choices and now she needs to suffer the consequences of her choices. Why should you continue to have to suffer the consequences of her choices? Keep venting/posting.
Seraph, I would write a letter to my mother but she would just throw it away without reading. Know how I know...I'm a writer. I dedicated my first book to my father who was deceased. I was very proud to give her the copy and show her the dedication page. My mother does NOT read nor write, or even speak English well (I'm an immigrant myself from Germany), but, she can recognize my fathers name, and I explained to her in her familiar tongue exactly what it was. She looked at it, nodded, and then proceeded to put the book away (eventually lost) and then proceeded to ask me when I was going to get a real job. Subsequent additions to the book I dedicated to her sister and brother in law (my aunt and uncle) who passed away. When I brought the books to her she told me NOT to bother because she "can't" read...more like she disrespected me and negated my accomplishments. If I wrote her a letter she'd throw it into the garbage without even looking at it, or give it to my sisters to read to her and they would have a TRASH FEST over what nerve I have to upset my mother.

They truly do believe that I am a bad person and deserve to be treated cruelly.

I currently an in Life Coaching with a wonderful person whom I gave a link to this thread. She has been a lifesaver to me. Not only because she is good at what she does, but she also knows me OUTSIDE of "therapy"...and hopefully, does see some value to me. I've been surrounded (guess I make choices to find people who emulate my mother) by people who hurt me, disregard me and put my feelings last. Why shouldn't they...depsite my outward projection of being a very strong and smart woman...emotionally, I'm crippled and I DON'T WANT TO BE ANY LONGER. But, to get healthy...my mind knows I have to really feel deep pain at realization of what my life has been...but my heart just can't take it any longer.
Sannah, you ask why I should continue taking the consequences of her decisions. I shouldn't. I KNOW THAT...yet, at 85 I know that time is limited for my mother. And, I know that she'll go to her grave thinking I hastened her departure. I know I didn't...but don't know if I can ignore her when and if she calls once again as if nothing happened. I KNOW what the consequences for me would be...more of the same--abuse and denigration. Yet, I really don't know if I can detach enough to let her die without contact from me if she calls...IF....BIG IF.... and truly, I'm ashamed to say I don't know how I WOULD FEEL ABOUT MYSELF if that happened. Whichever way I look...there is a deep swirling pit of pain.
Connun, you have a bigger conscience than me! You did mention guilt, however. I don't know much about guilt but I understand it can be a big motivator....
The letter would be for you. As a writer, you would know the power of writing something down from the heart to the page, it creates a gestalt between you and your feelings. It doesn't matter if your mother never sees it, but by addressing your hurt towards her where it belongs, you can release quite a bit of it in a way that is less harmful to yourself. I have used this technique on many issues myself. There is a huge difference in the feelings awakened by telling the story and those roused by directing the writing to the person who you have issues with. It can tap into much deeper stuff. Sera
You have a reason to be upset. IT sounds like you (like many of us) come from a dysfunctional family. I wish that I could tell you what to do. I had a really bad relationship with my dad, it was never healed and then he died. I went through so much guilt, sorrow and heartache after that and I still get choked up if someone mentions his name. I think its easier to lose a parent with who you had a good relationship than one who you had a tumultuous one with. I would tell you to write a letter to your mother, tell her how you feel, mail it but then I don't want you to regret it because once you send something, say something, do something, it's done.

I would advice you to loook for some sort of support group. I see you're in NY so there should be something there where you can reach out. I don't think there is any "right" think to do. With family, it's so hard.





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