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Mental Health Message Board

Mental Health Board Index

Thank you both so much for your kind words. My head knows what I have to do, yet my heart is broken. I feel horrible guilt interwined with intense rage. My mother is 85 years old. I feel like I'm abandoning HER at the twilight of her life. Selfishly, I wonder how I would feel if I make no effort to grovel and do what she wants...make like nothing happened in a few days and continue on till the next abusive episode...which WILL happen. I have to live with being accused unfairly and being told that I come AFTER an old drooling man and an illegal immigrant who would dearly love for me to disappear so she can continue to steal from my mother. Most horrible for me is that I can't believe that my mother would have so little feeling for me that she would make up a FANTASY about how I was injured and run with it like it happened. My mother actually thinks that I WRONGED HER by exploding in anger when she "told" me that it was a criminal that knocked my teeth out during my participation in a criminal act. It's so incredible that I have to believe she knows that it's a fantasy. Yet, I'm her CHILD. Her first born. How could she do this to me during a time I'm so upset physically, emotionally and financially. Her response to me was that a "mother can say anything to a daughter". Saying and accusing and fantasty to this extent are different things. My mother has always thought the worst of me. When I got a 90 on a test in school her question (and my father too) was "who got a higher mark"? My sisters have taken up where my mother left off and they too treat me like a pariah with my mothers blessing. I just can't take this any longer. The abuse is total and complete and I fear for myself if I allow it to continue. It's affected every part of my life even though I only talked to her once every day. Yet, I do love my mother because she IS my mother...and I fear how I will react if she passes...if ANYONE even lets me know. I've been isolated. I am not invited to weddings or births of my sisters children and my mother tells anyone that asks that I CHOOSE not to participate. I feel that I'm being abused by being excluded and then get abused once more by being made the FALL GUY for not going to the events. I feel horrible. I feel angry. I feel so completely devistated and sad...and most of all...I feel guilty because I KNOW that I can't put all aside at the twilight of her life and accept one more morsel of cruelty.

If there is a GOD, I ask him WHY????

I sit here wondering if my mother cares that I am housebound because I am so embarrased about not having a tooth and she KNOWS that financially I'm at a horrible point in my life. Even if she hates me...why would she do this? She gives to the "poor". Why not give some empathy and caring to her "child"?

I hate her and at the same time feel bad for hating her. I truly hate her right now. Hate her cruelty, lack of caring and her ability to give me a lifetime of abuse while I just raged back at her...but took it allowing HER to feel SHE is the abused person. Why do people always look at the REACTION instead of what percipitated the reaction?

When will this poison in my life stop?

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