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Okay, I ramble too much so, I'm just going to bullet point my thoughts/condition:
-Talking to myself in my head for about 7 years, bad enough that I sometimes can't get to sleep because I will not be quiet, I'm not an insomniac. (I'm guessing this is common). I often make hand gestures whilst I talk to myself.
-I talk about any subject and discuss (with myself) various opinions about that subject.
-For the last few (4-5) years, I've suffered from depression for periods of about 3 months (usually, starting at the end of September). These periods appear to be 'scheduled' in the late months of the year.
-This years period of depression has recently started.
-Every year this depression gets worse. I keep telling myself to "hang in there" until the depression finally passes.

I (think) am depressed because I think I'm a horrible person. I hate so many things, and I despise so many people. During depression, I hate myself more and more, which eventually leads to suicidal thoughts. This usually leads to me going home everyday, to continue "planning it" with myself (it's literally, all I do for the last few weeks). I'm not religious, and I consider my self to be an intelligent person. I doubt I'll get anywhere in life because I hate the world too much, and I'm always too lazy to do anything about a career (I know I'll eventually take my own life. I feel like I should enjoy the time I have left). I'd like to be an even more intelligent person when I'm older, but I doubt that I'll be able to afford tuition fees, which is a fact that I'm learning to live with. All I want is to know things... And I feel like everyone else cannot understand that... so I talk to myself, we understand each other.

Anyway, though I'm a horrible person, I don't want to go near my friends. Not only because I hate them, but because I love(like/respect) them. Everyone that I love, I want to protect from my hate. It's confusing. I know that I'm a kind, thoughtful person, but I'm horrible as well.

I got very angry today at something really stupid, and snapped at my dad (a VERY little snap, which KNOW that he didn't mind). But when I came to sit with myself in my room afterwards, I was uncomfortable. I didn't want to be in the same room as myself. Whenever I've tried talking to myself, I'm talking to him/me feeling like I'm annoyed, and like I don't want to talk. I think he's/I'm sorry about snapping, and that he/I just got a little bit angry. I'm SO annoyed, and confused. I'm usually an extremely calm person, I'M never angry. Anyone that I 'hate', I pity for being hated. And, the person I actually hate is therefore myself.

I think I'm also down because I have no girlfriend, and I am depressed by a feeling that getting a girlfriend is completely 100% impossible, I doubt I'll even kiss a girl. (I think I hate females even more than males (I'm very, very sorry to say that), but I'm still attracted (yet barely) to females), I have no job (I don't need money if I'm going to die, eventually). Also, I feel like the one person who I knew best (the person who I try to be like - myself) is suddenly the person that I hate the most.

I don't see myself as a pessimistic, but as a realistic person.

I thought I should try to fix things now, before I cease to care.

I'm not using drugs, and I feel like a really disrespectful person; whining about my stupid feelings, when some people have had a really awful life, and real reasons to feel depressed. I'm also really sorry for this colossal post, but is this feeling of two contradicting thoughs, and the way that I talk to myself normal? As for my depression, I'm looking at 'cures' on various websites.





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