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Lost and Sinking
Apr 3, 2008
I'm shy, I never know what to say when someone responds to my posts. I like freeze up and my mind goes blank but I need to do this.

I'm at a point in my life where every single thing that can go wrong is.

My father is near death. 1 1/2 weeks ago he was told at the emergency er that he has emphysema, bronchitis and water around his heart. He is 65 and a stubborn stubborn man. He spent 4 of his 8 first years of life in a hospital due to an accident and has a deep hatred of them, period.
Well they tell him if he leaves he will die within 24 hours. Flashforward with the grace of God he is still alive but it isn't going to be long. :(
I live with my husband and son 200 miles away. I had to leave to try to retain any shred of sanity I had left to get away from all of them (my family- Mother-Father-Sister). I love them all but it was all too much. Everyday could I do this that or the other thing and all the while I'm doing this that and the other thing they are still ragging on me for the stuff I had done to them in life but I hadn't done anything wrong in a long long time (mostly when I was a raging alcoholic drug head and I was younger). And them not once ever saying they are sorry for anything they have done to me in life. No! But I must have said I was sorry to anyone I hurt a million times. Maybe that's a high number, but the truth is I've said it alot and meant it.
Well when I would ask for a favor it was usually NO. I couldn't take it. And the people next door had 6 kids who were at our house EVERYDAY after school and I always fed them even if we couldn't afford it because I knew what it was like to have no one home and no food to eat. Put that with just everything that was going on and I took my family and fled.

My mother is drinking herself to death, oh the irony, she has just given up. Somehow this is becoming my fault. I dont' totally get it but if she says so.

I can't stand my husband anymore. I actually am repulsed most of the time and can't even look at him. He just disgusts me. It's not the way he looks it's him. He does every little thing he can to irritate me. He knows what pisses me off and yet he'll do them over and over and over. He's mad when things are going good and happy when things are going bad. He's apathetic about everything in life that may get us stuff like oh I don't know HEALTH INSURANCE. I mean here is this guy who with his knowledge could probably get on Jeopardy and win and yet he's NOWHERE and has no intention it would seem of wanting to do anything more. Those are by far not the only examples the list goes on. It is driving me Insane. I can't take this anymore. At ALL.

I'm constantly in ill health every day every minute. The irony in this story here is that in the last 13 months I have lost 90 lbs the right way dieting and exercising yet I"ve never felt worse in my life. I have an abscess tooth which has been infected for over a year and because we have no health insurance and just recently got credit for dental I just keep getting shuffled through hospital ers and nothing absolutely nothing is going to save me unless I get this abscess taken out.
They were supposed to do it March 20th. After they were 40 minutes late in calling me back to do anything (at this time I was scheduled for 11 extractions under iv sedation and was TERRIFIED) and watching people coming and going have had just one or two teeth pulled (which they told me they won't do) I got up and left. I couldn't take it. I call the next day and they set up a re val. They reset me up for the extracations on April 15th. Now I'm scared crapless. This abscess is directly affecting my health and life I know it. I want it out NOW not April 15th. So I call a dental office from where we are from 200 miles away and now have an appt. at 11:00 Monday the 7th. Just talking to the receptionist I felt soothed. But she wants me to get the xrays from the place where I'm supposed to have this work done and I can't do it. Then they'll know what I'm up to and it's tricky cause they both use the same credit card place for this. I just don't want them to know what I'm doing because what if the office on Monday can't help me? Then these people will get mad or something because I checked out some place else. I don't know. I just don't like that thought. :(

Another thing last night when my son got his fillings there was something shifty going on yet I cant figure it out. This is what happened (and really really makes me want to go home where I feel comfortable getting things done and they won't force me into something I can't afford) my son needed 6 fillings. Hopefully thats not alot and I did ask why 6, because we've taken great care of his teeth over the years and they said because his bite is off and genetics. He's got beautiful white teeth and has been bushing them religously since he got them, they have been (besides him himself) the number one priority in my life. Well we go the first time a week ago and he gets 1 done. They said they would start with the worst and progress from there (which is basically what I was hoping they would do with me). At that time they gave him an composite filling I think (the white ones) and the om=office manager says the white ones are the best. He has silver from when he was young and doesn't like them. Well last night our second visit to get 2 of my sons last 5 done the om comes out and says (after I HEARD the drill being used and saw the dentist over my son- his idiot father was in there -I say that because although he was right there he "didn't" see what was going on-ugh) they didn't do anything to my son because the decay is so slight that the tooth isn't big enough for the silver filling (WHOA hold the phone- I thought they weren't the good ones- the insurance he has through the state now only covers the silver ones- maybe he got that first tooth for free? BONUS lol. Sorry. and in order for them to finish with the 3 teeth we would need $418.00. Um er what? We don't have 418 cents. They are saying he NEEDS the white for the 3 and thats it. I understand what he's saying. If it is not necessary for them to have to drill wayyy down in to the tooth to make the filling fit then why do it? I'm liking that thinking on that. The problem is. He said they put the drill in my sons mouth and then did nothing. When my son came out I asked to look into his mouth and I saw silver. Now I go back to om and I say well I think they did because I see silver. He goes again to talk to the dentist and now he comes out and says, oh yeah they did 12 and 14 with the silver but the other 3 will need the white. Cause it's smaller or something I don't know. The thing is why would the dentist say he didn't do anything the first time he went back. It seemed like there was a ploy/play/something just not right. Also, these people will not look a person in the eyes for more than a split second. This bothers me. Or maybe things have changed. I don't know but come on!!!

I can no longer afford to keep up with anything. Every single utility that a person can pay has gone up where we live. Every one. Every single thing we've bought since we've lived here has not lasted 1 year. The car we bought 6 months ago that is only 3 years old is costing us 26,000.00 and probably isn't worth 5,000.00. The payments are too high. The rent is too much. This is supposed to be an apartment with heat. In the winter time unless we turn on the one baseboard heater in the entire apartment there is NO heat. It was so bad this last winter there was ice on the INSIDE of my sons bedroom windows. The landlord came to fix something with the toilet and that water has been running constantly and has jacked up the water bill.
The stove broke so he brings us and all gas one. Which costs more to run.
Our washer AND dryer are dying.
Bill collectors are calling constantly.

Things are just crazy.
I'm going to lose my Dad and Mom in the same year. I know it.
I could be going too.
My son will have no one that will take care of him. His dads a freak and a loser and my family well they're just almost all gone or nuts themselves.
We can't move because now after being here 3 years my son has many many friends at his school and loves it here.
I can't talk to my sister and now for Heavens sake she won't talk to me. Because I got mad at her because (although she was getting her check the next day- albeit not much but still a couple hundred) she said she didn't have $2.00 to go and see our dad. She lives 1 1/2 miles away from him. I got mad and hung up on her.

It's all coming to be too much for me. My son is my rock. But I feel like I'm not a rock for him and I can feel me starting to want to run. I know I should be on medicine but well no insurance.

Dont' know what to do about anything. But I guess most pressing at this moment (cause nobody thank God has called me today with any bad news) and is making me crazy is what to do about this dentist? Should I go to the appt. on Monday? A whole bunch of things need to work out in order for that to happen. That's the dentist from where I"m from. Never met them but I was soothed just talking to the lady on the phone. Or should I stay with these people who although they have a smooth talking om make me very nervous as it all seems about the money and I feel something isn't right. But they were considerate of not drilling to far into my sons teeth or maybe that was just a ploy to get more money? I'm not sure but I appreciated the fact that they at least told me so now I KNOW he can't get the silver fillings as the drill will have to get to close to a nerve.

I feel like I'm over the edge crazy and am losing my entire grip on everything. I just want to crawl into a ball under my blanket and hide/sleep forever. I can't keep up this way. My son needs me. :(

I apologize if any of this doesn't make sense. My thoughts are scattered all over the place. :(

Thank you for letting me vent.

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