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I am convinced that I have BPD. I can't believe I have gone this long without ever having been diagnosed.


My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me just over 2 weeks ago. I have lost my mind. I can't stop crying, haven't eaten in days, my heart is always racing super fast and it feels like there is something "empty" inside of me. These feelings get worse everyday. I was ok for the first little while, thinking everything would be fine but as the days go on it gets harder & harder to deal with. It's at the point where I have to drink myself to sleep, I am not a drinker.

I feel so abandoned. My mind is racing with all these thoughts. I am paranoid, self-loathing, just a total mess. I hacked his email & drive by his house late at night just to make sure there aren't any other cars in his driveway. My behavior is scary, even to myself.

I have been digging my nails deep into my flesh & scratching myself with random objects. Today I even drew blood.

I think I have always had symptoms of BPD. As a child I threw major temper tantrums, who am I kidding I am 22 and STILL have temper tantrums. I know why he left me. I wouldn't date me either. I am emotionally needy one moment & the next I am cold & just down right mean. We fight all the time. It got so bad that we rarely ever seen each other. Now when he has cut off ties with me, I have this feeling of NEEDING him. Like how a drug addict needs their drug of choice. I can't quench the feeling.

I am so broken inside. I feel like I can't live without him. I want another chance so bad. I know I can make it work. I want to make myself better. I need to make myself better.

I am trying so hard not to let him know what a nut job I am. A few days ago I was calling him non-stop crying, sending him emails & text messages. I think this only drives him further away. I need to stop. How do I deal with this? I cannot for the life of me make these feelings and crazy thoughts stop. I was thinking about going to see a doctor tomorrow, I don't want to live like this. However from what I've read there doesn't seem to be much help/hope for treating BPD. I wish there was a pill to take to make this go away. I know that I wont be able to stop these obsessive thoughts without help. What do I do? He doesn't deserve to be stalked & harassed. I know even though my heart is telling me that the only way to stop it is to get him back, that even this is not the answer. I need him back & I need help!!





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