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To start off, I'm angry as piss towards life. Literally everything people close to me do annoys the living hell out of me (my Mom, best friend, etc). Outward signs of affection directed towards me make me disgusted and angry for some reason. My Mom, Dad, and Mom's boyfriend are all alcoholics. I have absolutely no motivation. I kiss ass to figures in authority (teachers, managers, etc) but fail to show any sign of respect towards my Mom. I am so very easily angered. I have to be right 100% of the time... because I usually am and 98% of the moronic population fail to see so. And, worst of all, I swear to God that I am losing my mind. I forget things constantly, think weird as hell thoughts that are almost unexplainable, have loops of random depression, never feel happy, play imaginary games with myself like 8-year-old children do, and for some reason, constantly talk to myself in my head. Not like normal things, but I have thorough conversations with myself and sometimes even arguments. It feels sort of like there are two of me. There's the little guy inside my brain who sees everything clearly, is calm, well-minded, and who is writing this, and then there is my outward self who does things on his own and needs to be talked to by me, the one inside the brain, to get through everyday tasks. You know, it's sort of hard to explain.

Anyway, being as I am the little guy in the brain, I fully understand why my outward partner is losing his mind. He (I, if you will) was born into an already messed up family. My Mom was 18 and my Dad 19. We lived in a crappy apartment until I was probably three. My parents, to my understanding, did drugs, nothing heavy I don't think, probably just weed, and drank a lot. We moved into a house eventually and they had another kid, my sister. From what I can gather, my drunken Dad used to cuss my mother and me out a lot, and beat up on my Mom. Eventually they got divorced and my Mom moved to her parents. I continued to live with my Dad who was a raging drunk that sold pot out of our basement and played video games more than he went to work and slept. He lacked motivation, as do I, and could barely hold a job. During this time we spent Sunday through Thursday with my Dad, and Friday and Saturday with my Mom. Speaking of my Mom, she was completely drunk and depressed most of the time we went over there. We actually spent more time with our grandparents while there, which I actually enjoyed although my grandma, at the time, was a drunk as well. My Mom loved us, this is true, and did spend adequate time with us, bought our clothes, toys, and everything else. Going to my Mom's (grandma's) was a nice retreat from my Dad's place. Oh, and during this time my Mom started to go out with my Dad's best friend which angered him a ton. Actually, I think that's what might have sparked the violence that made my Dad so angry and eventually divorce my Mom. Anyway, my Dad eventually got a new girlfriend who was nice. She also had alcohol problems though. However, now we were bathed more often, and the house was clean. During this time, my Mom was constantly beaten and treated like garbage by her boyfriend, and my Dad treated his girlfriend like garbage as well, but not as bad as my Mom was treated. My Mom would frequently show up piss drunk at random times of the night and talk to my Dad and me although I should have been sleeping, as I was in third grade. Eventually, my Dad's girlfriend had a enough mental and physical abuse and my Dad actually sobered up for a good long time and life there was enjoyable. My mother never slowed down and continued to be drunk as piss to the point where my grandparents got angry as hell. I would constantly argue with my Mom over pointless things, and always felt that I was right and held my ground, as I do today. Eventually, my Dad got sent to jail for something I'm still not completely sure of, and I'm probably better off not knowing. My Mom, who was still always the responsible one even though she was a raging drunk, eventually moved out with us and got a new apartment. Also, a year or so into the new apartment, after having too much physical abuse, got rid of the asshole boyfriend she had. She continued to HEAVILY drink during these times until she met a new guy who was rather nice at the time. Also, my Dad got out of jail and fell into a miserable slump moving from house to house and job to job. We visited him every other weekend. This new guy seemed legit and we eventually moved in with him and they had a kid together. Life was pretty stable, neither drank too much, except for one night my Mom intentionally OD'd on her depression medicine and tried to kill herself, but that was completely random. Oh, and she denies trying to kill herself nowadays, by the way, even though I saw her try to slit her throat with a steak knife. My Mom denies a lot of things that happened and fails to recognize what happened. Eventually we moved into the house I am currently living in when I was about a sophomore in high school. At first, life was decent, but then both of them, out of nowhere, became incredibly alcoholic. My Mom would provoke her boyfriend by doing stupid, drunken things, and he would get DAMN ANGRY because he, like me, can't tolerate my Mom for some reason... I guess no one really could. Anyway, physical violence was rare, but did indeed happen two times now. First, we were in the car, my Mom, my brother, sister, boyfriend, and I. Boyfriend got really pissed, they were both drunk by the way, boyfriend a little more, at my Mom for driving like an idiot and she went off on a typical, drunken, idiotic, pointless, moronic, and degrading tangent that she yelled at him. He had enough and hit her in the face. Out of reflex, I punched him in the back of the head. We stopped the car, dadadada, went home, whatever and never talked about it again until the next incident when I had to. The next time, my Mom did something like give the dog water that got on the floor or something and boyfriend got pissed because she was being drunken and annoying and, dare I say, disobeyed him. He shoved her down the hallway into the wall, and I yelled at him from downstairs, he chased me, and I clubbed him in the head three times with some coat hanger thing. He then lunged at me, choked me, and his friend pulled him off. Out of a strange turn of events, when the cops showed up to interview this drunken asshole, I was charged with a misdemeanor for assault. We went to the little court thing or whatever and I told the nice man my story and he let me off because I was in the right. He was also surprised that the asshole wasn't charged with anything. The reason was actually because my drunk Mom tried to explain what happened to the cops and miserably failed, leaving her story mismatched from mine. Anyway, to this day, my Mom is a raging, annoying, idiotic alcoholic and so is her boyfriend. However, I can tell that she is ashamed of drinking because she hides her beer in places where the boyfriend can't see. So I think that my messed up past made me who I am.

This is only a taste of what it's been like and I hope you understand.

The reason why I'm posting is to ask you guys WHY I'm losing my brain. I'm very intelligent, don't take this as cocky, I'm a good kid, I've never smoked or drank because I've seen what it does, but I've been forced to be my own parent for almost ever. I told this to my Mom once and she blew up and wanted me to leave. That happens a lot when me and my Mom argue. I yell at her and prove my case over and over, but she always pulls out the "don't talk to me that way, I'm your mother" thing and it drives me nuts because she, I hate to say this, hasn't once earned my utmost respect like my grandfather and grandmother have. I love her to death, and will defend her like I always have, but I feel like I am in the place of a disappointed parent when I look at her.

Anyway, like I said before, I am unmotivated, feel like I am two people, don't get happy, think a lot about death, and I get hella effing angry all the time at pointless things because I think everyone else is an idiot... because they are basically. I hope I am coherent, because I pride myself on the ability to write well, although this was rather rubbish being as it was off the top of my head. Next year I'm going to college and I don't want to have these problems. I don't want to go to a psychologist because I already have and he told me that my only problem was that I had mild, mild OCD and ADD which is completely false. My attention is poor because I don't give a rat's ass about anything because I have no motivation. Like I said, I'm very intelligent. I've walked all through high school never, ever doing homework, not paying attention in class, etc, and managed a 2.5 gpa average... doing not even a quarter of my best. It seems that most of my knowledge comes innate, but I don't believe in innate knowledge so I have to assume that it comes from teaching myself certain things growing up. Well, now I'm rambling, and my thoughts are beginning to become really fuzzy and my outward self wants to scream and punch something.

Please give me something to read in return.
[QUOTE=writeleft;3896435]User#1337,

Oh yes, that good! I see you writing public service messages that remind parents of the life they expose their children to, when they are lost in addiction, abuse, neglect and dishonor. You could be the voice of the children, teenagers, and adults around the world that are subject to the wrath of parenting. You are that good, and I would go out of my way to see that happen for you.

writeleft[/QUOTE]

Wow, thank you. And everyone else who responded positively, I really didn't expect it. I'll keep you guys updated and stuff I guess.

Right now everything is standard :P
[QUOTE=User#1337;3893046]To start off, I'm angry as piss towards life. Literally everything people close to me do annoys the living hell out of me (my Mom, best friend, etc). Outward signs of affection directed towards me make me disgusted and angry for some reason. My Mom, Dad, and Mom's boyfriend are all alcoholics. I have absolutely no motivation. I kiss ass to figures in authority (teachers, managers, etc) but fail to show any sign of respect towards my Mom. I am so very easily angered. I have to be right 100% of the time... because I usually am and 98% of the moronic population fail to see so. And, worst of all, I swear to God that I am losing my mind. I forget things constantly, think weird as hell thoughts that are almost unexplainable, have loops of random depression, never feel happy, play imaginary games with myself like 8-year-old children do, and for some reason, constantly talk to myself in my head. Not like normal things, but I have thorough conversations with myself and sometimes even arguments. It feels sort of like there are two of me. There's the little guy inside my brain who sees everything clearly, is calm, well-minded, and who is writing this, and then there is my outward self who does things on his own and needs to be talked to by me, the one inside the brain, to get through everyday tasks. You know, it's sort of hard to explain.

Anyway, being as I am the little guy in the brain, I fully understand why my outward partner is losing his mind. He (I, if you will) was born into an already messed up family. My Mom was 18 and my Dad 19. We lived in a crappy apartment until I was probably three. My parents, to my understanding, did drugs, nothing heavy I don't think, probably just weed, and drank a lot. We moved into a house eventually and they had another kid, my sister. From what I can gather, my drunken Dad used to cuss my mother and me out a lot, and beat up on my Mom. Eventually they got divorced and my Mom moved to her parents. I continued to live with my Dad who was a raging drunk that sold pot out of our basement and played video games more than he went to work and slept. He lacked motivation, as do I, and could barely hold a job. During this time we spent Sunday through Thursday with my Dad, and Friday and Saturday with my Mom. Speaking of my Mom, she was completely drunk and depressed most of the time we went over there. We actually spent more time with our grandparents while there, which I actually enjoyed although my grandma, at the time, was a drunk as well. My Mom loved us, this is true, and did spend adequate time with us, bought our clothes, toys, and everything else. Going to my Mom's (grandma's) was a nice retreat from my Dad's place. Oh, and during this time my Mom started to go out with my Dad's best friend which angered him a ton. Actually, I think that's what might have sparked the violence that made my Dad so angry and eventually divorce my Mom. Anyway, my Dad eventually got a new girlfriend who was nice. She also had alcohol problems though. However, now we were bathed more often, and the house was clean. During this time, my Mom was constantly beaten and treated like garbage by her boyfriend, and my Dad treated his girlfriend like garbage as well, but not as bad as my Mom was treated. My Mom would frequently show up piss drunk at random times of the night and talk to my Dad and me although I should have been sleeping, as I was in third grade. Eventually, my Dad's girlfriend had a enough mental and physical abuse and my Dad actually sobered up for a good long time and life there was enjoyable. My mother never slowed down and continued to be drunk as piss to the point where my grandparents got angry as hell. I would constantly argue with my Mom over pointless things, and always felt that I was right and held my ground, as I do today. Eventually, my Dad got sent to jail for something I'm still not completely sure of, and I'm probably better off not knowing. My Mom, who was still always the responsible one even though she was a raging drunk, eventually moved out with us and got a new apartment. Also, a year or so into the new apartment, after having too much physical abuse, got rid of the asshole boyfriend she had. She continued to HEAVILY drink during these times until she met a new guy who was rather nice at the time. Also, my Dad got out of jail and fell into a miserable slump moving from house to house and job to job. We visited him every other weekend. This new guy seemed legit and we eventually moved in with him and they had a kid together. Life was pretty stable, neither drank too much, except for one night my Mom intentionally OD'd on her depression medicine and tried to kill herself, but that was completely random. Oh, and she denies trying to kill herself nowadays, by the way, even though I saw her try to slit her throat with a steak knife. My Mom denies a lot of things that happened and fails to recognize what happened. Eventually we moved into the house I am currently living in when I was about a sophomore in high school. At first, life was decent, but then both of them, out of nowhere, became incredibly alcoholic. My Mom would provoke her boyfriend by doing stupid, drunken things, and he would get DAMN ANGRY because he, like me, can't tolerate my Mom for some reason... I guess no one really could. Anyway, physical violence was rare, but did indeed happen two times now. First, we were in the car, my Mom, my brother, sister, boyfriend, and I. Boyfriend got really pissed, they were both drunk by the way, boyfriend a little more, at my Mom for driving like an idiot and she went off on a typical, drunken, idiotic, pointless, moronic, and degrading tangent that she yelled at him. He had enough and hit her in the face. Out of reflex, I punched him in the back of the head. We stopped the car, dadadada, went home, whatever and never talked about it again until the next incident when I had to. The next time, my Mom did something like give the dog water that got on the floor or something and boyfriend got pissed because she was being drunken and annoying and, dare I say, disobeyed him. He shoved her down the hallway into the wall, and I yelled at him from downstairs, he chased me, and I clubbed him in the head three times with some coat hanger thing. He then lunged at me, choked me, and his friend pulled him off. Out of a strange turn of events, when the cops showed up to interview this drunken asshole, I was charged with a misdemeanor for assault. We went to the little court thing or whatever and I told the nice man my story and he let me off because I was in the right. He was also surprised that the asshole wasn't charged with anything. The reason was actually because my drunk Mom tried to explain what happened to the cops and miserably failed, leaving her story mismatched from mine. Anyway, to this day, my Mom is a raging, annoying, idiotic alcoholic and so is her boyfriend. However, I can tell that she is ashamed of drinking because she hides her beer in places where the boyfriend can't see. So I think that my messed up past made me who I am.

This is only a taste of what it's been like and I hope you understand.

The reason why I'm posting is to ask you guys WHY I'm losing my brain. I'm very intelligent, don't take this as cocky, I'm a good kid, I've never smoked or drank because I've seen what it does, but I've been forced to be my own parent for almost ever. I told this to my Mom once and she blew up and wanted me to leave. That happens a lot when me and my Mom argue. I yell at her and prove my case over and over, but she always pulls out the "don't talk to me that way, I'm your mother" thing and it drives me nuts because she, I hate to say this, hasn't once earned my utmost respect like my grandfather and grandmother have. I love her to death, and will defend her like I always have, but I feel like I am in the place of a disappointed parent when I look at her.

Anyway, like I said before, I am unmotivated, feel like I am two people, don't get happy, think a lot about death, and I get hella effing angry all the time at pointless things because I think everyone else is an idiot... because they are basically. I hope I am coherent, because I pride myself on the ability to write well, although this was rather rubbish being as it was off the top of my head. Next year I'm going to college and I don't want to have these problems. I don't want to go to a psychologist because I already have and he told me that my only problem was that I had mild, mild OCD and ADD which is completely false. My attention is poor because I don't give a rat's ass about anything because I have no motivation. Like I said, I'm very intelligent. I've walked all through high school never, ever doing homework, not paying attention in class, etc, and managed a 2.5 gpa average... doing not even a quarter of my best. It seems that most of my knowledge comes innate, but I don't believe in innate knowledge so I have to assume that it comes from teaching myself certain things growing up. Well, now I'm rambling, and my thoughts are beginning to become really fuzzy and my outward self wants to scream and punch something.

Please give me something to read in return.[/QUOTE]
Oh, tcp307...you are right on target! Aren't you amazed and impressed by this young man? I am just flabbergasted at the maturity and insight this young man is able to put forth in words, without blame, without hate, without all the imaginable feelings that his life could have filled him with...

Doesn't it make you feel like you should rise to the occasion, and support this manchild with every fiber in your heart? It does me...although I am not really anybody special myself.

I am just a woman, with children from 14-24 who is real, and understanding of issues our young people face.. not from first hand experience, but as a lucky child, raised in a fine military family, without any of the issues out young friend has endured.

My children are smart, but spoiled. Their life has been easy, and they squander everything that has been given to them. I feel a certain guilt for not challenging them enough, for not teaching them enough about life, about letting them skip the hard realities of life.

Then we meet user#1337, honestly, you have shaken my soul, and I'm as proud of you as I could be...as a mother stuggling along trying so hard to do the right thing, and questioning myself. Here you are, professing your gratitude and love for your own mother, who has her own difficulties that I cannot even fathom.. raising a son the best she can, and garnering the true love and respect of this remarkable young man. I am simply amazed.

My son called me a bitch yesterday, because I did not let him use his computer before he did his homework. That crushed me. It hurt so badly, I broke down and cried. He is 14, and although I understand he's going through puberty, and is not my little boy anymore...it still hurts.

Right now I have pneumonia, and I am keeping myself under quarantine, as not to infect anyone else. My son is staying with his grandparents, so he doesn't get sick...he has not called me, or offered me a bit of sympathy. While everyone else in my life has wished me well, and brought over food, and called me on the phone...he has not. He has only accused me of being boring, and tired...and that the rest of the family is more fun, and nicer. He has been away from me for a week. I have done everything for that child his whole life.

Sorry to go on and on, but I feel like continuing...I hope you understand. I'm not even going to re-read this and I'm sure it's full of errors, and mis-spellings. Bear with me.

In the last 5 years, I have had 4 strokes, a heart attack, kidney failure, and loss of eyesight. I have been a professional artist and writer my whole adult life (I am 48 now). I have fought my way back to health, and now enjoy riding my motorcycle in the desert, camping, swimming, riding my bike, playing on the beach, and loving every moment with my youngest son. I should be dead, but I have overcome.

I am two days away from a total restoration of my beloved 1962 Chevy truck, which I have had, and driven for 25 years...up until 5 years ago when I had the strokes. Now that I can drive again, I have brought my truck out of the garage, where it has been under a blanket for years...only to be too weak to drive it yet...since i have pneumonia.

Hey there, user#1337...now you know me-can't you see why I think so much of you now?
[QUOTE=writeleft;3898956]Oh, tcp307...you are right on target! Aren't you amazed and impressed by this young man? I am just flabbergasted at the maturity and insight this young man is able to put forth in words, without blame, without hate, without all the imaginable feelings that his life could have filled him with...

Doesn't it make you feel like you should rise to the occasion, and support this manchild with every fiber in your heart? It does me...although I am not really anybody special myself.

I am just a woman, with children from 14-24 who is real, and understanding of issues our young people face.. not from first hand experience, but as a lucky child, raised in a fine military family, without any of the issues out young friend has endured.

My children are smart, but spoiled. Their life has been easy, and they squander everything that has been given to them. I feel a certain guilt for not challenging them enough, for not teaching them enough about life, about letting them skip the hard realities of life.

Then we meet user#1337, honestly, you have shaken my soul, and I'm as proud of you as I could be...as a mother stuggling along trying so hard to do the right thing, and questioning myself. Here you are, professing your gratitude and love for your own mother, who has her own difficulties that I cannot even fathom.. raising a son the best she can, and garnering the true love and respect of this remarkable young man. I am simply amazed.

My son called me a bitch yesterday, because I did not let him use his computer before he did his homework. That crushed me. It hurt so badly, I broke down and cried. He is 14, and although I understand he's going through puberty, and is not my little boy anymore...it still hurts.

Right now I have pneumonia, and I am keeping myself under quarantine, as not to infect anyone else. My son is staying with his grandparents, so he doesn't get sick...he has not called me, or offered me a bit of sympathy. While everyone else in my life has wished me well, and brought over food, and called me on the phone...he has not. He has only accused me of being boring, and tired...and that the rest of the family is more fun, and nicer. He has been away from me for a week. I have done everything for that child his whole life.

Sorry to go on and on, but I feel like continuing...I hope you understand. I'm not even going to re-read this and I'm sure it's full of errors, and mis-spellings. Bear with me.

In the last 5 years, I have had 4 strokes, a heart attack, kidney failure, and loss of eyesight. I have been a professional artist and writer my whole adult life (I am 48 now). I have fought my way back to health, and now enjoy riding my motorcycle in the desert, camping, swimming, riding my bike, playing on the beach, and loving every moment with my youngest son. I should be dead, but I have overcome.

I am two days away from a total restoration of my beloved 1962 Chevy truck, which I have had, and driven for 25 years...up until 5 years ago when I had the strokes. Now that I can drive again, I have brought my truck out of the garage, where it has been under a blanket for years...only to be too weak to drive it yet...since i have pneumonia.

Hey there, user#1337...now you know me-can't you see why I think so much of you now?[/QUOTE]

Yes Writeleft, I am amazed by this young man. The maturity and caring beyond his own 17 years just gives a vision to the man he will become. They say that things happen for a reason. I believe that in my heart from my own life. To get to know me, I'm 35 and spent 9 years in an abusive marriage and have 2 children from it. My son, who is now 13, holds his anger in and when he does lash out, he does it to me. That's why user #1337's story brought me to tears. I really hope my son loves me as well. Sometimes I question it, though. The love I have for my children is what made me leave that horrible situation 7 years ago. I love this message board, because it gives me insight as to things I should be doing or trying harder to do. Especially reading from someone like user #1337. Thanks for listening :)

P.S. I really hope you recover well from your pneumonia.





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