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What's the point?
Feb 25, 2009
Hi everyone.
My name's David, I'm 15 years old.
I suffer from a few mental illnesses; Depersonalization Disorder (DPD) and De-realization, Generalized anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, and I'm starting to think some sort of melancholic depression as well. This all started with depersonalization, and from that, everything else just sprouted.

I'm sitting here with my emotions leaking out of my eyes. I feel hopeless, I feel alone, I feel so much. I'll get more into it in a bit. Most importantly, I don't feel there is a reason why I would want to live anymore. Living with all of this on my back is NOT living. My life is being wasted by the second and I can never get these seconds back and that scares and depresses me so much. Lets put that aside for now, though. I have other problems that just eat me alive. I'll break it down for you.

What are the most important things in my life, I ask myself. Well, basically it is;
Music (I'm a serious musician) *if I get to perform and share it with more people
Family (sometimes)
and my beloved girlfriend.
Other than that, I have nothing, and I CARE about nothing. Other than that, I do not want anything to do with the world. Other than that, I'm just a person with no purpose.

Music is my one escape from reality. Music keeps me alive more than anything, and is my most effective way of describing my raw emotion. I play piano, guitar, keyboard, bass, drums, violin, clarinet, flute alto sax, cello, viola and I sometimes like to sing. I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be popular. I want to be able to perform and share my compositions with people. My depersonalization and anxiety ruin this for me.
I used to love being in front of a crowd. I used to be very extroverted, and loved the attention. Whether it was oral presentations or an artsy performance such as my music, I would enjoy it the most in the world when I was in front of an audience. When I'm in front of an audience now (for an oral), my anxiety rockets, my paranoia rockets, I have terrible panic attacks, and once all eyes are on me, my head starts spinning, my throat closes up, my cold extremities grow colder and more numb, I get a detachment feeling and very often an episode of depersonalization while I'm up there. If I'm not brought to a nurse, I have to go through with the presentation in that state, which isn't possible.

Music is out of the question. I'm not getting better. Its been too long.

Not much to say here. All I care about is my primary family; my mom and dad and my sister and brother. Although I'm worried more about their feeling than I am about mine. I couldn't care less if I were to die today or tomorrow or in a year, but they would. I hate that.
They make stuff harder all the time. My parents, I mean. They always fight, it's really loud and makes it very hard to be happy or to sleep at night. They makes jokes about me being crazy because I'm seeing a therapist, I tell them to fuck off, and they punish me.
I love them. They are just so very aggravating.
But I love them

My girlfriend[/B]
We haven't been together long, but this is where it hurts me the most. This is where the tears actually escape rather than staying repressed in my body. I have fallen in love with this girl. I am 100% sure that I am in love with her and will always be in love with her. She is perfect, she has no flaws, she's out of my league and she's bound to loose interest. It's already happening, I think. She texts me and calls me much much less than when we first went out, she pays less attention to me in person. One time when we were intimate she kept text messaging her ex.

I'm a very jealous type of person. She talks too every single guy that I can imagine, and they flirt, and she takes it. She makes plans with them, she leads them on (maybe she doesn't realize it) and I get very upset and jealous. I don't say anything, because I'm too much of a fish, and I don't want to put any tension between us, or fuck up what we have. So I repress it. She tells me how some of her guy friends are such great people, and how they're so heroic and genuine, when she used to say that about me. This part hurts even more than the other parts (music and family) put together.

I don't want her to be losing interest. I don't, I pray to God that she isn't. But deep down I really feel like she is, and I'm scared.
She used to tell me how much she loved me, how much she needed me and how happy I made her, and I loved that, and I loved HER, and I always will. But how do I know she was serious? I'm starting to think she wasn't. She's just an overly kind and charming person. I don't know.
It's the same god damn thing every single time I fall for someone, and I'm sick of it. But it's the worst now. And even if I'm just paranoid, I'll ALWAYS be paranoid and I wont ever enjoy this. I haven't felt ANY kind of enjoyment in a while.
I just want to fucking end it all.
It's aggravating not being able to express how I feel.
Right now
[/B] I'm seeing a therapist for my anxiety and depersonalization. It's completely useless, and I don't want to be drugged up. Even if I was though, I still have 20 more weeks of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to go through.
Anxiety, depersonalization, paranoia, derealization, these all make my life un-enjoyable. I hate going out with a PASSION. I can't go anywhere without wanting to leave right away. I can't go anywhere and enjoy it. I can't go anywhere and not feel like complete crap in front of all my friends. It's so hard to be in a relationship.
I hate everything, to be completely honest.

I exercise, by the way. I jog every day and work out every other day. It makes me no happier.

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