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I didnt really know what message board to post this under, but it's all mental health either way.

I started to read "trapped in the mirror", as i've been reading i've come to recognize myself in so many of these stories, i've taken a little from here, a little from there and now I see how deeply rooted my problem might be. How do people deal with this? i'm beginning to feel VERY overwhelmed (sp?). My therapist says that i'm very angry, which has been the cause of many of my problems. so, what do I do now? i'm scared that im going to give up, i'm going to dig myself into a very deep hole and not want to come out. My brain hurts, where do I go from here? how am I suppose to deal with this and life at the same time? I dont understand anymore.

I know I should be asking help from people around me, from friends and such, and part of the problem is that i feel so insignificant that i'd rather ask it from strangers than from them. I wish I could just fall asleep and stay asleep until all of this has just passed over me. What's wrong with me? i'm too stressed out....

I had saw my therapist yesterday, he says that somewhere it got imprinted inside of me that being selfish is a negative trait, but he made a good point about stating that if we didnt try to get our own happiness from situations/people/etc, who would do it for us? well, i've simply stopped trying, i've set myself aside from everyone else and now it's all hitting me in the face. I dont even have anyone to talk to! I'm ashamed of asking them for help, why? because apparently i feel myself to be so unimportant.

a couple of nights ago i felt pretty upset, i was hoping to talk to my "best friend", when i got to her house she told me she was leaving and going out, but i couldnt tell her "stop, I need to talk to you, I need you at this moment", I didnt say anything, I felt like if I did that it would be very selfish of me. When i told this to my therapist he said "why? why didnt you tell her? because who cares about you? you're not important?" and it's true, i've been making myself unimportant for practically my whole life, everyone says how much they care about me and blah blah, but they dont really see how much I want to scream right now, but how could they? how could they think anything when I dont say anything? i'm so mute.

so i'd rather sit here and vent to this board because somehow, someone on this board will understand and care more than the people who are suppose to care, the people I dont really want to see anymore.

I have no compassion and I dont want to be weak, but i am weak, I cant handle anything, i'm completely lost. Maybe someone on this board sees some sanity in all of this, I dont want to think/feel anymore. I sound like some depressed teenager going through that "nobody loves me stage", what is wrong with me? even in these words I continue to push myself down.

Therapist has stated if i'm angry and I've said "i dont think so" he says I have a right to be angry at my parents, so... I guess i am angry at my parents, both of them. How does one learn to cope with being angry at their parents? what does it mean?

is there any way to stop the brain from thinking?

the end.





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