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ok here goes i am gonna write you a long letter and see how long it can keep me occupied for. firstly thankyou everyone who has replied, it means alot that people can take the time to read and answer me, so thankyou all very much, it means alot to me. :wave: right now on to my LOOOONG letter, well i guess i may as well start from the beggining. well i was born 6 june 86, my mom and dad were still together then but the marriage was on the rocks, my dad was very violent to my mom and i remember it, just in flash backs but the memory is there. i have an older sister and older brother and a younger sister. luckinly they dont really remember any of it. my mom and dad split up as he turned into an aloholic, he tried to get custody of us but turned up to the courts drunk. we had to go to him every 2nd weekend, while there he told me if i didnt get him and mom back together he would hurt us. i was 4 what could i do???? mom soon met robin, they married and everything was great, he gave us the life we had dreamed of, but like everything that didnt last long, he began getting violent towards mom and he sometimes hit me. was i a naughty child who needed punishing??? [img]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif[/img] when i was 9 he cam into the bathroom while i was in the bath and sed he wanted a hug, i was a quick developer so i had the start of boobs and was always told not to let people see me naked. i cant really remeber much more of that time all i know is that was the sart to something evil. he would come into my room and do nasty things to me :( he would tell me that he loved me and just wanted to show how much he cared for me, sed he was sorry he hit me,asked if he could he make it up to me?when i was 13 i saw a program on child abuse and then i knew that this wasnt right, he shouldnt do this to me. so i asked him daddy why do you do horrid things to me that arent normal? for questioning him i got hit, and told it was his way of showing love. he never once sed if i tell anyone xy and z would happen so i just thort that my mind was being stupid in thinking it was to hurt me. i still remember his sick smile. then i saw another program and then it stuck in my mind that this was wrong. then i thort of my sisters was he doing it to them too??? i couldnt let that happen, so i thort i could just let him get on with it and then he wouldnt hurt them. it didnt work the sick t**t still done it to them just not as bad, so in a way yes it did work. i started self harming to get rid of the hurt and pain, i hid it well, noone saw anything was wrong for well over a year. then i overdosed with 125 parecetemol, but then looked at a picture of my newborn neice and ran down and told mom, i got to hospital the pumped my stomach as well as they could and kept me in for 3 days. i never told anyone what was going on untill one fatefull science lesson when the teacher, who i got on with well, saw my cuts and asked me to stay behind after class. he asked me why i did it i refused to say anything but he kept on so i went mad and screamed HOW THE F**CK WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR STEP FATHER ABUSED YOU DAY AFTER F**KING DAY??? so he had to tell the head master who called a meeting about it. i denied it all coz i was scared. ( by this time mom had had enough of the violence and had divorced him on 3 counts of attempted murder) so there i am scared coz my deepest darkest secret has come to a head, it was now or never to escape. YES ITS F**KIN TRUE OK< I AM A FREAK WHOS FATHER ABUSES ME DAILY! so that was that, it started going thru courts. me, 2 sisters, his real daughter and 2 family friends came forward he had done it to them also, not as bad but it doesnt matter he still done it. 3 weeks in court and a room full of strangers decided that he was not guily and he was eqquited. so we went for compensation as our lawyers had advised. i was getting worse mentally cutting, depressed, angry, sad etc. put on anti depressents. i eventually stopped cutting and moved out of the family home to my elder sisters. i lived there for a bit and then moved to a private rented room and got a job as a catering assisstant, hiding myself in work and putting a false mask on when i went out so it looked like i was happy. i once againg stared punishing myself and stopped eating i got very anorexic so had to quit work and move back home. 28 feb 03 i moved home. i was severly anorexic weighing 6.5 stones at a height of 5ft 8. so we worked on my weight and i got up to 9 stone a great acheivement but then i saw HIM!!!!! he had moved to a new how 100metres up the road from mom. he saw me too and smiled his sick evil smile and that was it, i started going mad. slowly losing my sanity. everyday he would drive down past my house and smile at me, not a friendly smile, no it was THAT smile. the one he had when he was showing me he loved me. i got heavily depressed and turned anorexic again after all that hard work. then i got ocd and checked everything constantly, like when i was 14. now its all morphed and evolved to phycosis that is unbearable to live with, they tell me to cut myself and i obey them. so now i am covered not only in scars but fresh cuts aswell, deep angry cuts just coz i am told to. they dont be quieter until the blood flows and gushes out of me. i want to die coz i cant cope with this anymore. i am manic so i burn myself out and have to sleep for days. so now they have sed i have to go to hospital to sort it out although i was in earlier in the year that was only 1 hour away from home, now i have to got 2 hours away and noone will be able to see me. i am scared but feel numb. not scared of hospital scared of who i have became. well this has kept me occupied for 45 mins but now i have to got coz they dont like me telling people about them. bye for now and sorry its boring.
love ebony [img]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/blob_fire.gif[/img]





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