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Mental Health Message Board

Mental Health Board Index

Thank you for the responses. I imagine that everyone has a slightly different perception or understanding of things that many people experience which is essentially the same thing, but I have always been very much alone in dealing with my mental health with no one to help me understand what happens to me. It can be so frustrating because I want to be grounded, level-headed, and strong but when I am weak and vulnerable, it just takes control. And then I am just hard on myself for being so weak and I think, "You're better than this!!" I am close to losing this person I love because of it. All he sees is that he makes it worse and triggers these reactions in me, and I think he can't handle the guilt of inflicting suffering on me, plus he suffers to see me in such a state and doesn't think there is any way he can help me. Right now we are apart and I am dealing with everything alone, plus missing him and wanting to reach out to him - makes it more difficult, but I really cannot burden people I love anymore with this stuff. And there is still this presence of something wrong in myself even without the intimate relationship stressors. So it is definitely reassuring to know that it is not just ME and helps to know that it is a shared experience.

Searchin, thank you so much for sharing with me how that feels. It is interesting what you say about it being a memory or feeling that is surfacing. I have started to look into Borderline Personality Disorder and it definitely seems like this maybe fits more the impulsiveness, promiscuity, intent on self-destruction, can't stand to be alone, and being overly outgoing in social situations that I sometimes experienced all throughout my late teenage years and then earlier this year. I always thought this was bipolar but now not so sure. I'm curious if people with "mild" BPD can have these symptoms come and go, or if it's consistent?

I have always said that I feel like there are different parts of myself that I can click into if I want to, and that often when I am around people I feel like I am functioning from the part of me that isn't my true self. Overly talkative, high energy, easily excitable, perhaps even egotistical and wanting attention... When I am in this mode and am suddenly alone, I can't stand it; I can't stand to be alone in my mind. But once I go back into "real" me, I love to be by myself and no problems, and can go back and forth between comfortable social interactions and solitude with ease. However, most of my life I am in the mode of depressed, anti-social, feeling like it is just too much effort to pretend I am normal. The "insanity" feeling is sometimes that of these different parts of myself no longer wanting to coexist in the same mind, and it definitely feels like my mind is trying to break apart.

I'm not really sure if dissociation is this thing or not that I feel where I just sort of float through stretches of days, disconnected, feeling empty and aimless, feeling asleep? I have the tendency to summon this sort of "not really present" mindset to avoid dealing with extreme emotions. It kind of just makes the world feel numb and everything seems far-off and strange. Like a kid playing in the park will be something I will just stare at, just observing it as if it is something unfamiliar. I always thought this was something everyone did sometimes, though, just a relatively common coping mechanism? Hmm. Not sure if that is the same thing. I never have experienced any out-of-my-body feelings that I read was a symptom of dissociation, or actually feeling that my mind did not belong in my body.

Leo, I am off the drugs. Don't even drink caffeine except on the rare occasion because I notice how much it escalates the speed of my thoughts/emotions, and caffeine paired with not enough sleep the night before is all it takes these days to make my emotions spin wildly out of control, and after the emotions spin the sanity is sure to start spinning too. Smoking pot seems to intensify this feeling that my mind is splitting apart, so I finally stopped once and for all. It's been 3 months so far. I have felt the same way in the past 3 months without having smoked pot, though.

I know this isn't a marijuana forum, but this is something that is a part of the puzzle for me and I don't know what to make of it yet. I was still smoking off and on during the past year even though I knew it sometimes made my mind feel "wrong," but I guess I just thought it would go away or something. See, it confuses me because from 2007-2009 I was smoking several times a day and it honestly was the first time I ever lifted out of depression, and I was so much more easygoing and was able to make a lot of close friends. Finally was engaged in life and had a close-knit community, just generally felt very open and warm towards people and life, felt grounded. (That was during and shortly after graduating from college, and life soon changed, me and others moved away, etc. so I lost that community that was so beneficial for me.) Early summer 2009 I decided I was done with being high all the time and stopped smoking regularly. And THEN starting earlier this year, after that period culminating in the 5 days and then the rock bottom depression, smoking pot causes this reaction in me! It is like I switched something in my head, opened the Pandora's Box or something?! ? No clue, but something has changed

So, no drugs, and even at the expense of potential friends. I don't really feel comfortable hanging out with anyone I know in town or the next town because they all smoke pot constantly, even my neighbors, and pretty much everyone my age (mid 20s) goes to bars to have fun. And drinking isn't always a bad experience, but there have been more times than not where I have found myself in a situation out at the bar where everyone around me is having a great time, laughing and just no worries, but I gradually become more and more uncomfortable until I just need to escape, overwhelmed with how separate I feel from the people around me; sometimes it manifests as disgust for humanity, how miserable it is to see people poisoning themselves for fun and how pathetic I feel for partaking in that charade, or something... I know that they wouldn't care at all whatsoever if I said I couldn't/didn't want to smoke or drink with them, but since I never hang out with anyone anymore I have low social confidence to begin with. Feels like I am constantly searching for cues on how to act, what to say in order to "mesh" with their behaviors.

I really appreciate you telling me about how God helps you. I was raised Christian and had a very personal relationship with God until I was about 16 and I can remember what it felt like to feel I was truly connecting with God, being surrounded by the warmth and love and forgiveness that cradles you and washes through you to the deepest parts of yourself. I am Buddhist and meditate and find that to be very helpful, although I am just a beginner, especially in the sense of feeling compassion for ourselves and that we do not need to identify with or judge what is in our minds. I believe in God now in my own way in the universal and present-in-all-life sense, and as a deep inner truth that is unshakably strong and a steady, warm light.

It is interesting because I hear a distinct voice often in these moments where I feel like my mind is shattering, and it has probably been the only thing that has saved me from suicide. It speaks to me in a very clear, compassionate voice -- always loud enough to be heard through even the most chaotic or violent suffering in my mind, but never mean or unloving. It reminds me that I have a choice. And that I can choose to stay like this or fight it, and that every second I exist amidst this unbearable mental anguish is a choice.

This inner truth is what I am, in a way, ignoring when the mental anguish has been at its most extreme. When I have been hyperventilating and smashing myself in the head, there is some part of me that acknowledges I am giving in to weakness, that I am taking the easy way out. It is sort of like this stubborn and hurt little child who just doesn't care anymore, doesn't want to try, "Just leave me alone to be weak and in pain, it is too much." And maybe in a way the stubborn little child throws a temper tantrum and screams and cries until it can do nothing but sink into a pile of nothingness, but the whole time there is always the deep inner love, strength, and infinite wisdom looking onwards, waiting.

No clue how others experience this, but it feels like my "true self", which also feels connected to all life, so in a way this true self is very much a God-like presence.

It is so easy to shut out, ignore, or forget entirely that this God-like presence is there and is within me. Do you think this is an important step in regaining or even maintaining control, so to speak -- calling upon that warmth and strength, what I imagine is the same to you as praying?

Right now I keep my life as simple as possible and am focusing on trying to establish healthy routines, always trying to be observant of what I am thinking, the emotions present, or how my mind feels. I have been treading carefully like this for a while, maybe it is called healing... sometimes I feel like I am almost ready to throw in some challenges, though, to test the strength I feel I have gained in the solitude. I work from home which is good and bad; good because I don't have to worry I will be too unstable to go into work one day but bad because I am seriously alone ALL of the time, and it would probably be good for me to have some regular "forced" social interaction. I go walking around the city a lot and am fulfilled by these fleeting connections with people -- just to be around people without necessarily interacting is very soothing to me. Also I go to group meditations, and I have my therapist and acupuncturist of course, but am still very much struggling with how to make new "friends." Sometimes it feels like I am completely disconnected from the world, that I am alone at the center of a carousel, sitting very very still and watching all the movement around me. Or that I am on another planet entirely, sending out transmissions and trying to connect with life on the home planet.

Lots of stuff above, just getting it out, no one has to read it all :) But thanks for sharing with me in return.

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