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Mental Health Message Board


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Hello, i am so scared to go to psychiatrist or psychologist because every illness in Serbia is recorded and if it gets recorded i might not be able to get a job at all :(

Well here is 'my life story' sorry the text might get messy but i hope someone can diagnose me somehow, or advice me or something that might help me... I'm desperate :S



Well, i guess i should write about my past since i guess is the root of this...

Since my childhood i was pretty much sensitive guy... i would feel bad if someone would mock somebody , or hurt someone... even destroy something.

In age of 5 i went to village to pay a visit to grandmother and grandfather with my parents ( these are father's parents ) . I really liked all those animals , but i was disgusted when i saw blood and a piglet dead... it had a lot of effect on me... or when they kicked a kitty... So i had lets say more or less normal childhood, i liked watching Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and i wasn't aggressive as other kids were. I would get in a fight but i would cry while i was defending,and had strange feeling in my arms and legs. I've hit 7 and i went to school, my Grandma ( mother of my mother) would usually make hell lot of a drama about school, so i would study like crazy, every minor failure would result 5 hours of crying and shaking.

Kids from start didn't like me because of my ears ( which are now looking normal...but back then they looked like i was Dambo the elephant ), i was named idiot, freak, and pussy ( for crying over grades ). I started moving into rock music in my 4th grade of school ( 11 years ) and in about 13 i was listening to heavy metal and hard rock.Schoolmates didn't like that ( since all of them loved Rap with senseless lyrics , and turbofolk with EVEN MORE senseless lyrics )i was considered as a Satanist, freak, and crazy though i tried to get into community with them and wore 'normal clothes' like everyone else ( on 1 hand i was forced by parents and on the other hand i wanted to be part of them) still i failed and i would get beat up for nothing. So i managed to get into grammar school ( gymnasium ) and i hoped for it to get better... but it never did

My parents were fighting each other since i was a fetus , so my mom after my birth sent me to my grandmother to live with,and she raised me, i love her more than my mother and father. Father never gave a sh** about me, all he cared and his parents was when its a feast mom and i should come into village so it could be seen that they are BIIG HAAAAAPY FAMILY.
So to continue, i haven't made many friends in my school, to call so metalheads, since i changed my style to what should a 'average' metalhead look like... jeans, t shirt of metal band ( i only wear iron maiden since i listen only to iron maiden... too bad there arent t shirts of Bach and Mozzart since i like to listen to them as well, i learn something new from them ) my hair is relatively long, around 15 cm or more, i try not to look like emo with this 'short' hair but oh well... still community dislikes me still because they dont like metal... and it's all about f***ing music in my country, if you listen to techno, you can be friends with people who listen techno, every try socialize is futile...

So my parents war continues and continues, and sh** in my head started happening when i was about to finish first year of grammar school ( which i did ).That night my mom called histericly called me to come to her ( where she lives with my father, we are kind of separated)
He tried to crush her throat , so i came there and he tried to kill me, somehow i defended myself and he ran away. Then police came and all the lousy procedure came, they told them they shouldn't make noise since they disturb other people and that was it...

I was kind of frightened and i started thinking im was getting voices in my head to kill my past classmates, i went to private psychologist and psychiatrist and they found out that those were only thoughts and that's nothing disturbing. I read a lot about religion, fight with Lucifer and God etc and I somehow forgotten such things... but this is actually real... 2 months later i came out with my friend i started having thoughts of hurting people, i started thinking why was that happening and came to conclusion ,that it's because they are happy, i remember i would repeat in my head why are all people happy except me ( example watching pictures of my classmates going to parties etc ) except me,and they passed away, but new thoughts came and this is actually KILLING ME INSIDE , it's about animals, whenever i see a kitten im getting happy, and then all of the sudden , a thought of crushing it's head, crushing its stomach comes to me without my will,such scenes are to me disturbing and they go through my head , about their feelings if such situation would happen. I read about serial killer who in childhood would take kittens and take their eyes of and i remember i was in shock and i would repeat that scene in my head to feel how would poor kitten feel. I had very strange feeling of fear and something else in bones i couldn't describe ( it was different than when i would fight ). To describe this more lets say that i try to myself in every single position of creature in a moment to feel how they feel, and mostly i make a reversal track and go when they were all small and helpless, and in that moment a thought of hurting it comes again, then it's crying and sometimes i try to put myself how would it feel when it would die... i simulate such thing in my head but there's so much sorrow it repeats itself all the time
I used to 'cure' such thoughts via black metal and thrash metal , by listening to music and doing that and it would go away, then sometimes come back ...
One of bad things is, i had a cat, which had terrible life, i grew with him , i loved him , and now he's gone, and i'm helpless , he lived 11 years , and died because of kidney failure , he died on my moms hands as she was transporting him to a vet, it happened yesterday and i cried for 13 hours straight,i never hurt him , but thoughts would come when his last hours were... he was breathing fast and a thought came to step on his stomach for unknown reason which made me cry even more back then, i lost my companion which i loved but i still can't forgive myself because of thoughts hurting him... it's scaring me and i feel like im in some kind of hell , i have thoughts i should just end my life since there's no one that could love me possibly as he loved me, and as i loved him ( i loved him more than my mother)
To go back and give more details , since my age of 9 we ( mom, me and mom's mother ) have problem with house, we bought it from country ( LEGALLY!) and now how should i put it... 3rd party company wants to take with lame excuse that agreement was illegaly made...which is not true.
As for friends i can say i have like 3-4 , but none of them are close to me, i had a close friend but since we finished primary school he went on 1 way and i on another , and he changed the way of thinking he is more objective than subjective, other friends are there just to make some ' chit chat' that's about it... most of my time i spend playing guitar ( which atm i cant since my cat died and i value him as a person )
I've played guitar after incident with father about 10 hours a day , repeating 3 chords to make my fingers stronger and to make them more accurate,i watched series of Naruto which made me shed some tears because of dramatic moments and where i found myself somehow in Naruto and Rock Lee ( read their 'biography' if you want to )







P.S. When i was a kid i had some strange thought of killing my grandma , i guess because i watched some crazy movie , so i took knife while she was asleep but i never wanted to do it, and desire has passed away, i had 6 years i think

P.S.2 When grandma was vomitting and screaming in my i was scared a thought of strangling her came, i touched her neck but didn't do anything else, same thing would go with my dead cat, it would come to hurt him but i would just scratch him on his back or neck, since those were the places he loved to be scratched









HELP ME None of psychologist in my school don't bother too much, since after 1 talk, i come to another and they ask me to tell them whole damn story again, when i tell them, time's over and it's neverending circle!


P.S.3 Psychologist told me that i made world of fantasy where i basically do whatever i want to to ignore the negative things in my life, and i got agression which i didn't release ( never actually did ) which manifests in thoughts, but i can't make it on time to train something where i could 'get rid ' of it :S

P.S.4 i cant concetrate on things anymore, studying is one hell for me, even getting out of bed is a problem since i can sleep 15 hours and i would still feel tired as i slept 2 hours

P.S.5 after that 'thing' with grandma , i was frightened and i never wanted to do it again...same goes for the neck part....



P.S.6 help me again ill provide all you need ! I'm on the edge of killing myself, i feel guilt , shame , fear, and feel like im below everyone (financially and i feel that i have lower IQ than everyone else though i meet people who are stupid but still feel below them )


P.S.7 i forgot one thing to add, and that is on 31st december, dad told me he won't celebrate new year, in 6am someone called me from his number and it was some woman ( mom was with me ) then we found out it's her she is with all the time, and thats where most of fire is ignited, either it is about his alcohol abuse,( that means using money for my schoolarship for himself),or that woman... im sorry for 'unreadable text' and so many P.S.-es





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