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Ok,

I'm 21 years old and have a long long history of drug use(I am a year sober now). After getting sober and actually being able to know what my emotions are telling me instead of just numbing them I'm finding my mind is quite upset with me for my abusive relationship with it. I find that everything comes in waves, waves of happiness, followed by waves of depression and anxiety. This goes back and forth all day long. Some days I will walk into a AA/NA meeting and feel completely comfortable, other days I walk in and feel like every person in the room is sizing me up. This feeling makes me just want to run out of the room but I usually just sit down and look at the ground until it subsides and I can look people in the eye again. I believe I developed this after serving a little over a year in prison when I was 18 1/2- almost 20. Thus, why I decided to get sober. I'm just trying to give a bit of a background so you can get a better idea of where I am coming from.

I'm writing this after just coming out of a mental breakdown as a result of starting the medication wellbutrin. The first three days I felt like I was on some bad dope. I was stimulated but not in a good way. After the initial three days everything was going smoothely until day six(today). Late in the evening I went to a daily meeting as I usually do and became very anxious and paranoid during the meeting. I had to actually cover my face to get some sort of comfort. On the ride home my mind had full blow turned against itself, I was questioning my Christian faith, my mind was asking me why God would put me through this and I would answer so I can help others, My mind would respond why does God put others through the same pain you try and help them with. So on and so forth this circular logic continued. I would use my skills in argument against my faith and try and prove to myself that God doesn't exist and if he did he doesn't care about me. Then my mind started pulling up every horrible thing I've done in my life and every negative emotion it could. I don't know what to call this. It's like the mental defense of my logic and cooping mechanisms was slowly peeled back and my mind was free to view my entire existence fresh as if it had just happened. I pull into my drive way...

At this point all I can do is sit silently in my truck with the lights shining into the house afraid to turn off the engine because of the silence that would follow. I finally turn off the key of the truck and put my head on the steering wheel and starting wheeping. This is not like me, I've always been a kind of tough guy(or so i thought). I'm crying asking God to help me. I would get ahold of myself and curse myself for letting my mind run so wild, completely bewildered as to what I was so upset about. Then it would start again, the insidious voice, although it wasn't audible I could feel it speaking that deep depression into my heart. I can remember laughing when the doctor said to call if I felt like I wanting to commit suicide. "I would never in a million years." I stated. A million years came way to soon, I can't describe the thought process that brought the concept of not wanting to live anymore. I guess the compounding effect of hoplessness, guilt, anger, fear, and the complete inability to see light at the end of the tunnel. Not necessarily wanting to kill myself but the only comfort my mind could find was in death. I start crying again.. This happened one more time before I was able to muster enough strength to step out of the truck and go inside. I was completely manic. It has taken an hour for the depression to subside. I feel tired and worm out and I keep having bursts of contemptment followed by burst of depression/lack of motivation. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Dosing-300mg XR
Time on medicine-6 days
Prescribed by a family doctor for depression/anxiety.

This is shared with whoever is looking at taking the drug wellbutrin. Make sure the side effects are worth the relief. From what I understand this is not completely abnormal and will subside within the month. Thanks for listening, post any comments or questions i'll be happy to answer.





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