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Hi, I really donít mean to offend any true sufferers if I am just being paranoid...

The reason i started to wonder if i possibly may have something wrong with me is because a few people who are close to me said, something isnt right about me, my mood changes unusually out the blue, so i did some research and came across Bipolar.

i am aware that i may just be depressed or over worried because of people putting ideas into my head. Also last year was the most difficult year of my life with a lot of bad things happening, so i got extremely low and depressed. I ended up crying for a year, everyday and i am not even over exaggerating, sometimes it would be hysterically crying.

But what makes me think that I may have a possible type of Bipolar is because, even though i am mostly in depressed mode, i do get times when i change and my friend (who is like a mum) said its not normal.

However recently, the only time i can remember when I actually felt really happy was about 2 weeks ago. It lasted about a week and was first time for few months that I felt really happy. I felt really happy, excited when i talked to people and like you. I remember speaking to my friend on phone and I was getting louder and talking fast, they could hardly say a word but I was sorta aware of this and tried to calm down a little. Also like you did, I took a stab at making my life better and decorated my back bedroom (wallpaper and painted), painted hall way, started making a scrapbook for my friend who is ill, and kept ontop of cooking meals, cleaning and studying.

But I wonder, is it really Bipolar because I feel like, when I get ďhappyĒ, its because something triggers it like I feel in control of my life, but as soon as something else happens (usually to do with hearing about my ex or something), I feel like I lose complete control. I am usually the loud one and the one people have to tell to calm down. (However I havenít been like that for a long time since last year as a lot of bad things happened, because of my stupid mistakes). But I wonder, do your different Bipolar modes switch randomly with no provocation? Also Iím not sure that I go to the extreme of being happy, even though in my life it possibly is extreme. But I always assumed this is normal.

The other thing that gets me concerned is that I get extremely angry and feel like completely losing it. I use to throw things when I was a young teenager like you did but I donít seem to do that anymore. However I have nearly lost it few times when I felt like hitting people like boyfriends when I get frustrated at them. Also I can walk down the street and started getting really heated and intensely angry at people for all sorts of reasons and want to either hit them or snap at them and cant stand it, yet I love going shopping and I donít really hate people and I am not an aggressive person at all. Or with my ex boyfriends, especially with the latest who I am seriously in love with, I can just start arguments for no reason and say things that are pointless yet hurtful but I donít seem to care until a bad result happens from it. You said you scream and yell and get angry really easily, and then apologize moments later, I do that too, though I do that when I am not particularly feeling happy or Ďhighí too.

I wonder if I am I just suffering from depression). I also donít like listening to music or reading and ignore my phone which are all things I usually love too.

Also, I rent my house and I always get paranoid thoughts that my landlord has put camera in to watch me, like in my bathroom under curtain or in my fire alarm in my living room, but there is no camera there but I still think I may be being watched, however I donít think I am convinced of it.

I also have a real tough time with being paranoid especially when Im down, I got to a really bad point last year where I thought EVERYONE was talking about me and no one liked me. (it was a difficult time of my life anyway where I had messed up on something so some people had fallen out with me even though I didnít mean for any of it). I find it very difficult to contorl myself when I want to do something ďfunĒ, especially with my ex and if anyone found out it could ruin my life (very complicated, but it is risking taking in my life). I get very confused on who I am or what I want or what im doing, I know what I should do so why canít I do it and i know from experience the consequences of my actions better now but sometimes i still don't think about it and i feel really guilty and think im a horrible, selfish person yet i really love being there for people i care about.

There is a little more, but does any of this sound like a possible mild type of Bipolar or am I just depressed and messed up?

Please reply :)





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