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Is This a Relapse?
Feb 20, 2011
I am a sixteen year old boy who struggled with diagnosed GAD from December 2008 to about March 2009. In that three to four month period, the affect of the disorder on my body was profound. I would usually only eat something small once a day, and having been overweight for most of my life, my weight loss in that short period was rapid. I found myself fending off thoughts of food during the day, and hovering over the toilet, considering purging, when I did eat. I developed a facial tic and began to fear leaving the house. I exhibited extreme germophobic behavior, and would go well out of my way and comfort to avoid getting sick. I eventually attended therapy, where I began to feel better as spring approached.

In the months following my triumph over my major issues, I returned to a regular eating schedule. Perhaps TOO regular, for I gained back the thirty pounds I had lost the previous winter and then some. By January 2010, I noticed that my GAD symptoms were not returning, and I set out on a weight loss journey that changed my life. By spring 2010, I had lost upwards of sixty pounds; however, it was done in a more orthodox manner than starving myself.

Winter 2010-2011, here we go again. I'm eating compulsively, and I feel as if I've gained a good twenty pounds back. A small fraction in the greater scheme of things, but still. The GAD symptoms I experienced two years ago aren't there...as bombastic and fantastical as it sounds, I feel like something much more sinister is lurking inside of me. I get so irritated all the time. I liken myself to the "sad clown" idea, which honestly makes me hate myself. I feel like people are turning against me, which, to an extent, makes me turn against them. I'm in one minute and out the next. What I've noticed the most, though, is that I will get extremely offended if someone comments on my physical appearance.

For example, just today, while at a family party, I was being reserved and quiet. When my cousin asked me why I was like that, I answered by saying that school is destroying me (not a complete overstatement; I'm taking several college courses and fighting for my academic life). I proceeded to tell him that I haven't really had a chance to "let loose" since November, and that I get somber when I see happy-go-lucky individuals at parties. My other cousin overheard, and suggested that I find "free time to get a haircut." Several people laughed at this. A stupid, light-hearted jest, right? Well, I stormed out of the restaraunt, but not before proclaiming: "Okay, bye, I'm going to go commit suicide in the parking lot."

What the HELL is up with that? Why am I taking this so personally? I know I should probably return to therapy, but until I get things set up, I could use some honest, raw advice. Am I being realistic? Are my problems even REAL?





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