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when I was thirteen years old, I was in with a bad crowd. I had a boyfriend who I thought I loved and would be with forever. Of course, that was not the case. He was 18 at the time. I actually ended up losing my virginty to him, which I thought I was completely comfortable with, however, very soon after he left me for another girl. I ws devestated and ended up spiraling downward in depression. During this time I lost all self-care and self-respect. Also, during this period, I ended up having another messy situation. It was a one-night stand with someone I had just met. However, this danced along the line of consentual versus not. I had invited this boy over my house to watch a movie, however, we ended up messing around. I didn't want things to go far at all, however, with my lack of care and lack of ability I figured I was worth nothing else, and we ended up having sex anyways. That traumatic experience ended in my parents finding out and me having to be shuttled to the hospital, only to be put through several examines, an interview with the police, and having to retell the story which I was terribly ashamed of over and over again.
This was roughly three years ago, and since then, I've gotten much better. A lot of my anxiety actually disappeared, and I began a new life for myself, one with both celibacy and self-respect.
Lately, however, I've gotten involved with this guy, and I suppose the scenario is somewhat similar at least the feelings that I have for him are similar to the feelings I had for my old boyfriend. He is the first person I have had sex with since, and that only began recently. We aren't exclusive or official due to some of the dramas that are currently occurring in his life, but the feelings are present from both of us.
I begun having what I and my doctors believe are vertigo spells, mixed with some anxiety and derealization, however, we have yet to find the direct causes.
Altough, the other night, I did something very out of character for my current self, and something that I'm very ashamed of, I ended up fooling around with another guy, during and after the situation took place I begun to have very strong feelings of derealization, and that something just wasn't right. Aside from how awful and ashamed I felt for what took place.
Could this be the cause though? Underlying traumatic stress being rebrought up? Or could this be totally unrelated? The police ended up classifying the situation three years ago as consentual, but lately I've been starting to disagree. Would this be enough stress, and enough of a painful reminder to trigger something like this?





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