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I was wondering if anyone would be able or willing to offer some insight on my situation. I'm 34 years old. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15, and social anxiety at age 18. I have tried every SSRI under the sun since that time. I even had several years where I took no medication at all. I've also seen random psychiatrists and counselors since my initial diagnosis.

In the past year, I have been to three different Psychiatrists, and have also battled an addiction to Adderall(due to the fact that Psych #1 thought I might have ADD), which I've now finally stopped successfully. I've also been involved in a day program, and an inpatient program(in part to detox from Adderall). Everyone keeps coming back to the same thing; MDD.. I'm not convinced.. Finally, at the inpatient program I recently took part in, a counselor did suggest the idea that I am cycling.. but said it was probably a more undefined type of bi-polar. I have been toying with the idea that I'm either bi-polar or possibly even borderline. I know that I'm not equipped to diagnose myself; I get that, but damnit; no mental health professional cares as much as I do, or is willing to take the time to really investigate, and I have too much to lose. I am a father to a beautiful two year old, and I have a lovely wife who is at her wits end with me..

To give a little backstory.. I was raised by my mother and grandmother. I have never met my father, and had a very close relationship with my mother. Both my mother and grandmother have passed away. Mom when I was in early 20s, and grandmother just recently. As a child, I had depression, guilt, and some mild hypochondriac symptoms- even as a young child. It seemed I would get these waves of depression; sometimes even on a daily basis, and this has continued into my adult life.. I will feel ok one moment, and then get this feeling of dread: "What am I going to do for the rest of the day?"; uneasiness, so to speak. Medication has been mildly helpful(mostly Zoloft), but there's also something to be said for being able to "feel" period, and I feel like most of the SSRIs have put me in something of a "filtered" mode. I won't get really depressed, but I won't get really happy either. I have difficulty with sexual issues, and struggle more with weight when I take them.. I am currently being treated with Wellbutrin(one week in), but I have concern, due to my issues with anxiety/agitation.

So, it doesn't seem that I have mania, but I will start a day out content, then have waves of depression throughout.. sometimes triggered by negative events from my past; sometimes not.. Some days I'm agitated, and more high strung, especially during the depressive periods. Without medication, I'm probably more high strung than the average joe, anyway. It just seems I am moody.. The Adderall certainly enhanced this, but it was present long before I ever took any Adderall.

I realize that no one here can diagnose me over the internet, LOL.. I just would like to know if anyone can relate to these types of symptoms? Do these symptoms sound like anything in particular? I have recently pondered the idea of ultradian bi-polar.. If anyone could help shed some light, I would really appreciate it.

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