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Mental Health Message Board

Mental Health Board Index ive been lurking here for 6 + months or more and now that im finally here i have no idea how to actually begin....

im 28...soon to be 29. Married. My wife is 26.

all my life ive been a very shy, introverted....scared person. in alot of situations. But ive managed. So has my wife, to a more severe degree im afraid. I have/had my issues but can at least function. She has an overwhelmingly difficult time.

we got married because we have so much in common. We both live a shut-in lifestyle because of our anxiety and we jsut arent that comfortable around people. Now, working together, we both realized we had problms with anxiety and depression and tried to get help. For me it wasnt a big deal, doctor ive got this issue, can you help me?. I was put on medications and have gone to therapy and yes, i still have some mildly off days, but 90% of the time im good at work, im living and loving life. I feel better than I have been.

My wife, on the other so much...and i feel like such a bad husband for saying this...

Shes on citalopram, which has helped stabalize her depressive swings. There would be times where somthign wuold make her unhappy, could be somthing a small as dishes not being done or somthing, and thats it. the rest of the day and the next day are a writeoff, shes in bed depressed. For the longest time id play supportive H role...doing my best to try to help her through it, realizing its not somthing she can snap out of. I tried to treat it as no different than if she had the flu. Inwardly....knowledge of mental illness or not, the unpredictability yet repeated regularity of it became....wearing....again, NOT her fault, i know that.

Shes stayed on her medication, but wont go to therapy. Weve tried 5 or 6 different therapists, and each time she got too embarassed to stay and wuold storm out, leaving me there, saying you "dont hang out the dirty laundry for the neigbours to see". It was embarrassing for me.

This response isnt anything new, shes been like this from day one since i met her. I naively thought i could maybe help her through this, and i was wrong. This type of flight respnose behaviour is evident in her family. Both her mother and grandmother have been described as flighty, and very socially aversive.

Part of the problem is, shes just finished university, and shes now looking for a job. I only make 40 k a year and i cant do this on my own. She knows this, weve talked about it. But she practically falls to pieces at the thought of working. It scares her to the point where shes a shivering, trembling, bundle of nerves and she cant eat or sleep or keep anything down. We saw our doctor about this and he gave her a sort of "calmdown" pill, i cant remember what its called off the top of my head. But i digress. Its helped her keep things manageable....but her anxiety is still quite strong. Right now shes actually on her first day of work at a job, on her orientation day. Ive done my utmost to be as supportive as i can, but shes still txting me talking about how shes trying so hard not to be scared :(.

After 7 yrs of not going to lie. Its hurt me. And distanced me. And i feel i cant talk to her about it, because when i try to talk about my feelings it triggers a depressive downswing and she doesnt take in what im saying. Im not trying to be hurtful, but honest. And she doesnt take that well.

Ive tried talking privately to my family. And im embarrassed. And it doesnt help when i get told "well, you KNEW this, you shuoldnt have married her in the first place". Its gotten to the point where im embarrassed about my life and i dont want to let anyone in or see what my homelife is really like. I fee like a bad person for all of this...and im trying so hard to hold things together.

Id like to think im a better man than this.

I ended up getting into an affair with someone. Not for love, just an escape from this. Because every time i come home it always feels like the same thing, its just a drag to go home to this every night and ive had a hard time trying to take care of my own self mentally.

My affair has been safely sexual. With good friendship. And, while its not exactly the best option or an option id have thought myself capable of years ago, i hate to say it but i HAVE felt less depressed, and ive been better in other areas of my life.

Im not ex[pecting anyone to like me for this, and im no looking to justify anything. Im just being honest and putting this out there.

I KNOW this is NOT an ideal situation. Ive screwed up so bad. Id like to think im not a bad person. But ive just felt so trapped, and felt so much depended on me, that i couldnt relax for a minute, and it got to the point where i felt i dont do anything for "me" at all...and then i come into this affair and god, i can understand why some people become addicted, the "feel good" of the release is incredible.

ive made big mistakes. Im not the best husband and i know that. But i want to try because she deserves it, deserves better than ive given.

I just dont know what to try anymore.

Obviously the affair, as fun as it is and as good as it makes me feel, has to go. I get that. Im not disputing it. I just need help and someone to talk to, because i feel the only person who can help me is me....and i cant do this alone anymore.

Sorry if this is a rant of a first post...i just needed to talk.

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