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Re: Eminating Evil
Sep 27, 2012
I am so glad you are able to share your feelings and bring it into the light and tell someone. I will be a friend for you and listen whenever you need to vent or share your feelings. I know how it feels to be a square hole in a round hole. I always felt like a misfit and gravitated towards mentally challenged kids at school and the elderly because I felt like I was accepted and loved. I had a wonderful mom who adopted me when I was 3 and she died when I was 12 but she gave me the unconditional love I needed and I am so grateful for that. She wanted children and was a nurse at a Children's Hospital but couldn't have any of her own. I was blessed to have her but my dad was another story. He loved my mom and wanted a son and would have adopted another child after me but said I was strong-willed and he couldn't take another child after me. He really didn't like me much I felt and yet he loved my other cousins and played with them but would ignore me a lot. I didn't understand what made him so angry with me. I think it was because I wanted attention from him but I got negative attention and he would spank me but that was it. I realize now that he just didn't feel close to me even as I got older and became a Christian. He really was angry about that. Anyway, it was the best decision for me ever. I hope we can share our stories and encourage one another. I'm so glad you are feeling better. I've learned a long time ago that I can't compare myself to others because we are all different and have different gifts. What things do you like to do? It is good to hear you have a sense of humor. Sometimes I would hide my nice shoes under my coat because I had to wear white oxfords which I hated and my mom caught me hiding my shoes. I get meloncholy too and feel for other people's sufferings and problems. I was a sad young lady but so much happier today since I accepted myself. Can't wait to hear from you.
Re: Eminating Evil
Sep 28, 2012
[QUOTE=renko;5062779]I am so glad you are able to share your feelings and bring it into the light and tell someone. I will be a friend for you and listen whenever you need to vent or share your feelings. I know how it feels to be a square hole in a round hole. I always felt like a misfit and gravitated towards mentally challenged kids at school and the elderly because I felt like I was accepted and loved. I had a wonderful mom who adopted me when I was 3 and she died when I was 12 but she gave me the unconditional love I needed and I am so grateful for that. She wanted children and was a nurse at a Children's Hospital but couldn't have any of her own. I was blessed to have her but my dad was another story. He loved my mom and wanted a son and would have adopted another child after me but said I was strong-willed and he couldn't take another child after me. He really didn't like me much I felt and yet he loved my other cousins and played with them but would ignore me a lot. I didn't understand what made him so angry with me. I think it was because I wanted attention from him but I got negative attention and he would spank me but that was it. I realize now that he just didn't feel close to me even as I got older and became a Christian. He really was angry about that. He was a Budhist and couldn't believe I would turn to a God who took his brothers in war and my mom. Anyway, it was the best decision for me ever. I hope we can share our stories and encourage one another. I'm so glad you are feeling better. I've learned a long time ago that I can't compare myself to others because we are all different and have different gifts. What things do you like to do? It is good to hear you have a sense of humor. Sometimes I would hide my nice shoes under my coat because I had to wear white oxfords which I hated and my mom caught me hiding my shoes. I get meloncholy too and feel for other people's sufferings and problems. I was a sad young lady but so much happier today since I accepted myself. Can't wait to hear from you.[/QUOTE]

Dear Renko -

Thank you for your words. As I read them I feel so grateful, but I am realizing that I really do need professional help.

I went from happy to sad again and did not want to post.

This has nothing to do with you and I do not want you to feel bad. Honestly, I believe I am the embodiment of one those "toxic people" that wonderful people like yourself do not want your life. I just have managed to present a positive picture of myself here. You have not seen me in action in real life - how I bring pain into other people's life because I wish I was loved unconditionally when I myself am incapable of giving unconditional love to anyone, not even myself.

I read your post yesterday and because it was late and I was tired I decided I would compose a long post today. Then something small happened ("small" in normal people terms and "big" in my crazy world) and I felt hopeless and angry. I want to emphasize angry because I am filled with a lot of anger that is toxic to normal, healthy people.

Small things that remind me that people don't like me will be the main trigger.
It can be a glimpse of myself in a passing window or me hearing something I think someone said about me. When the tiny sliver of happiness comes my way gets snatched away, I get hopeless and angry.

I feel like I am pulling you into a dark world and wasting your time. These are the negative thoughts that constantly run through my mind.

When I feel bad (which is most of the time), I have a hard time clearly composing my thoughts. I have so many little complaints that I want to share that those trying to listen, cannot keep up. I had to think a long time about what I was going to write here. I had to edit out about 100 thoughts that I want to share and want advice on, but ended up, at the last minute to let you know that I am just feeling a loss of self-pride again and I think I am trapping you in this dark friendship.
Re: Eminating Evil
Oct 5, 2012
Hi my friend, it is good to hear from you always and getting to know you through your writings. I find it hard sometimes to put my thoughts into speech and writing is much easier forum to share feelings and thoughts. I have always been a bit shy and awkward in social gatherings but I am a good listener. I understand your feelings about having a pet home all day by him or herself. That wouldn't be fair or good unless you could afford a dog walker and someone to spend time with them during the day. I had a doberman but we found her a good home when we moved recently. She was the best dog I have ever had and her birthday was on my birthday. We got her when she was 2 years old so she was already trained. She was almost human to me. I have a husband who is home during the day and a caregiver for him so she had company but now she can run in the country and has a good owner. I hate to see my animals die so I'm glad I won't be around when that happens. I can see why you get angry when people treat children or anyone badly. You have experience with that kind of trauma. I get angry too when people are judgemental or treat others badly because of the way they look, think, act or behave. I try to be more accepting because I know how it feels to be ignored, laughed at or made fun of. People can be mean. I used to feel like you do when they would talk to me I would try to think of what I would say and didn't even hear what they were saying. Now, I try to listen to them and concentrate and if I have something worthwhile to say I will and if not, I don't. I also know how you feel about bringing others down by being sad or depressed. I was so unhappy in my marriage and when I had little children and didn't want to be blamed for bad things that might happen to them in the future. Maybe that is why I pulled out of my responsibilities to raise them. You are funny about me being a writer looking for a mentally-ill person. I have a close cousin that is mentally ill and she has been ostercized from my family and I have tried to reach out to her through writing but when she writes to me it is very confusing to read. When you write, you are very concise and I know you have a lot on your heart and mind. I used to think when I was young being adopted that I was a princess and that my family gave me up for some reason but I know how fortunate I was to have been adopted by a loving mom. I am glad you are thinking about talking to a professional and getting help. We can't live in isolation and be healthy. I hope you have a great day!





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