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I need people's advice ASAP. I'm considering admitting myself and I need some advice.

I was hospitalized for depression about 6 years ago. Went through tons of therapy, did well for quite some time - managed to break through some terrible cycles and fears - I got ahead and left my issues behind for a time.

[B]For the past two years I have not seen or talked to anyone.[/B] I have managed to get by - but by getting by - I mean - [B]scrapping by[/B]...

Here is what led up to my indecision:

I was in school for open studies - taking programs, enjoying life - but I was on seroquel and I got depressed - so I started to take more seroquel than was necessary and used it to sleep 18 hours a day and avoid everything.

I dropped out of my classes, and I actually got kicked out of my apartment because my roommate didn't like me being around so much. This was a difficult time for me. I was PAID - by the land owners, to leave that place and find another. I tried to move into my parents house temporarily but they considered it to be a huge step backwards if I decided to move back in with them. So I was forced to find a really bad place. I managed to live in a really old building with mold, it was terrible. The worst place I've ever lived in.

While I was there I started to feel nausea almost 24/7. I figured it was just the mold, but really - it was probably stress and anxiety. I actually went into emergency twice in the same week - around christmas - because I felt like I was dying. I had terrible headaches, couldn't sleep, had the worst nausea I've ever had, felt weak, trembled, etc. It was BAD. But realistically it was withdrawals from seroquel, because I had been weaning off of it myself without doctor supervision... Guess I didn't want to sleep 18 hours a day.

So I couldn't find work, was in debt, etc... I decided to call a favor and go up north (in terrible shape) and find work in the oil patch. I managed to find work, and I actually did quite well there. I managed to get out of debt fast, saved up enough money to feel financially stable. I worked 2 months, but it was a lot of money.

Then I decided to leave - because I was too afraid to continue working up there when tasked with doing things I wouldn't feel comfortable doing. (Driving trucks and hauling equipment) My worst fear once, was driving. I can drive now - but definitely not hauling massive flatbeds with excavator equipment tied to it.

So when I got back down south, I landed another seasonal job in the oil patch, but it was closer to home. To me it was an amazing feat. The job was extremely stressful to me at first. But all in all - it was one of the best experiences in my life. The co workers collectively hated the boss - which in turn - allowed us all to come together and befriend one another against the boss. I grew a lot of independence and felt like I went up.

I managed to get into a program that taught what I had always wanted to do. So in the fall, after the seasonal oil job was done - I moved back to the city, living with my good friend - and everything was looking up.

The program started, and immediately I knew I was on a landslide downwards. I couldn't speak to people in my class. (A very small class, 30 people, 1 in 10 get into the course who apply) I felt like I was suffering from anxiety, or maybe some other health related issues. But I really didn't know what to do about it. About a month into the course I felt the need to drop out. This was my dream program - which would lead to my dream job. It was terrible to think it - but I just could not handle the program. I started to think that everyone hated me. In essence, I think I was right about that - but didn't know how to make amends. So I tried by apologizing - to everyone. I embarrassed myself, and managed to get people so mad at me they wouldn't reply to my texts and avoid eye contact. It was terrible. I tried zoloft for a month, but it only made matters worse for me. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't sleep, couldn't speak to anyone - felt sweaty everywhere, skipped classes and ended up dropping the course.

For the next 4 months I slept in my room - didn't move at all. I was a depressed wreck. My roommate (my good friend), supported me the best he could, but really - I had cornered myself into an epic failure. I tried to find work - and did find work - but really I just wanted to sleep and play video games all day. So I did that. I managed to spend all the money I had on video games - amassed an addition of 35 to 40 video games in a 4 month period, upgraded my computer to the max possible. (I mean MAX) I managed to get back onto my feet. It was a really bad situation.

My friend and I were on a one year lease. I had job offers where I was - but I declined them all. Something just told me that I needed to leave - NOW. My friend and I fought about this since I was avoiding jobs that would allow me to stay and finish out my one year lease with the place we had co-rented. Inside - I just wanted to leave. My old oil job I had the summer prior was willing to hire me back. I signed a contract and was set to start that job in two months time...

I had major fights with my roommate, and granted - he was right about everything. I had signed a one year lease with him - and I had bailed because I only wanted to ESCAPE. I didn't want to deal with my problems, I wanted to run from them. He threatened to lose our friendship if I decided to leave... I felt that was unfair. But at the time - I had to do what was right for me - .

So I quit the lease, paid the damage deposit, went to the town outside the city, and got a place, and started to work.

This job is extremely weather dependent, and I went into it needing money to pay off my debts from winter. I was excited to be reunited with people I had fun with from the year before. There was a new boss, and it just so happens that I had got him his job by telling our boss from the year before that he is by far the best candidate. So it looked like a great place to work. I got a raise, the people I was working with seemed to be awesome...

Fast forward a month forward and everyone hates me... I don't mean just dislike - I mean - where no one is answering my text messages, no one is talking to me at all. In fact - people are avoiding me. I wasn't being invited to events, I was being treated like I had no idea what I was doing, when I was the best at the job - it was very tough to deal with. Typically, in that line of work - you'd work with a partner. No one wanted to be my partner. When someone was told to be my partner - they quit the next day... It was terrible. That, and my two rear tires went flat in the same week... It was definitely sabotage while it was parked at work... I had bad anxiety. I took time off work because I couldn't handle it. I went and got ativan from my doctor to help deal with bad anxiety.

Turns out it was to be one of the worst seasons for work in my line of work... I had long chats with my parents about what I should do. My mom said I am a quitter and that I shouldn't leave. I went into debt and in the end... I lost money to stay at the job. One month before my contract ended, I decided to leave and go work somewhere else. I lost my years bonus for this year and last because I left before my contract expired... It was a tough decision...


Fast forward and now I'm working a new job in the city, and staying temporarily at my parents place for a max of one month. A replacement job for the one outside of the city... On the second day - I have a (number 2) accident in the truck and have to use my lunch box as a toilet. It was the most embarrassing moment in my life. But it happened to be quite funny too, so that didn't really get to me, yet... A few days later I started to get anxiety and depression. It was terrible. I forced myself to work for about two weeks. On the the last day I headed to that job - I had another (number 2) accident on the way on the highway... This is all new to me. I called in and told my boss I was having health issues and would need time to figure it out. He calmly understood.

So, now I've had tests done... In the mean time my parents still want me out by the end of the month (today). I am in so much debt that I can barely afford a minimum rent in the city... I have so far managed to get three other jobs that would allow me to be closer to bathrooms. I turned down three - and chose one. I am to start in two days from now.

I am dealing with anxiety and severe depression. I feel like I have no way out - I can't find a place, I am in need of help. I have all these bad situations and circumstances piling up - I feel the need to really work on myself and try to keep them from happening again and again and again. I am trapped in a cycle. I get depressed everywhere I go - I am unhappy wherever I am...

Should I seriously consider admitting myself so that I can have a chance to work on my issues?

Thanks
8800gts





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