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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

HI again everyone

I do appreciate the continued support on this thread.
This weekend has been extremely difficult. The reality of the situation has been hitting me in waves and I have been barely hanging on. Tears and sickening feelings in the pit of the stomach.

The pregnancy board should be a happy one and I am sorry if I am bringing everyone down. I do hope most people won't worry, since most pregnancies go just fine and most babies, even in high risk pregnancies are born just fine.

For some reason, things just went wrong with me and I wish I could change that. But I can't. And moving forward is slow and agonizing. Mainly, because I am still healing physically, still bleeding, still taking painkillers at night. But I have recovered quicker than I expected as well as lost 30 pounds already. I keep looking at my feet and ankles in amazement, at how thin they are. I had excessive swelling throughout my pregnancy and had gained 50 pounds.

The disorder I mentioned in the last post, called Chorangiosis, from what I can understand, is a situation where excessive blood vessels form in the placenta (related to diabetes and preeclamsia, as well as other things) and crowd out the good blood vessels, causing something of a benign tumor. this happens over a period of time, not overnight, and caused oxygen deprivation to the baby. So even if he had made it, my doc said something about cerebral palsey or siezures. I don't know why he doesnt know more about this. all the info i have so far is from the internet. He is supposed to tell me more on thursday at my appt. It is supposedly VERY rare. But i do not know what the reoccurance rate is.

Someone asked about why i went into labor early? I don't think I was in labor, since despite the cramps and bleeding, I was not dialated at all. So the problem was coming from the placenta and the baby dying. He was still alive when i went in, but by heartbeat only, such as a coma patient can be brain dead, but still have a heartbeat. I feel horrible thinking about my baby dying slowly over a period of time. I was so happy through this pregnancy. I had my pains, but I was always aglow. My thoughts were always about the coming baby. I feel so sad and depressed now.

Someone else mentioned the risk factor of diabetes. Well my doctor or the diabetic clinic never once mentioned the possiblity of stillbirth. They made it seem like there were no major risks and i was just fine. I did have my sugar levels controlled for the most part with diet. I tried very hard to eat properly and followed my diet carefully. I checked my blood sugar 4x a day. Ironically, the last time I saw the doctor on January 4, he said my BP was fine, I could check my blood sugar 2x a day from then on, my weight was fine even though i was fluctuating 5-7 pounds over the last few weeks, loosing and gaining. He said I could go back to work, the swelling was normal, and most first babies dont' come for 7-10 days late. and he didn't want to see me again for another 2 weeks. Well, I know now the baby was born, and died before that appointment even came around.

I am so dissapointed and miss my baby, miss being pregnant and spend a lot of time wishing this hadn't happened. I do hope to get pregnant again this year. But i feel that will be forever until that time comes. I can't even face going out in public, since the one time I did, there were newborns all around and I couldn't take it. I cant stop looking at his photos and crying and touching his blankets and clothing.

To make matters worse, my grandmother died this week, very suddenly. I feel she is looking after my baby. I had spoken with her last week and she was telling me how sorry she was for my loss. She had a heart attack a few hours later and died later in the week. It was a wierd coincidence.
But I do believe she is holding Patrick and mothering him in some way and that helps me on some level.

Thanks again for listening. Please try not to worry if you have no reason too. And please ask for close monitoring if you are diabetic or have swelling or preeclamsia. These are very high risk conditions and should be treated as such. I wish I had been treated more carefully from my doctors.


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