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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board


Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index


HI again

Thank you aaronon for sharing your story. I guess time really does pass eventually. everyone says time will heal, and I keep thinking, what time? when will this time happen? Right now, not back to work yet , recovering from surgery and now as an added bonus, the flu, I feel time is so slow.

Today, Feb 8th, was my due date. My little son Patrick, was born 4 weeks early at 36 weeks gestation. He was 5 pounds 5 oz and 19 inches long. He was born at 7:19 PM. I did not get to see him be born as I was under general anesthesia. My husband was not allowed into the OR.

He was beautiful, with dark tufts of hair, a sweet little nose, and long feet and hands. I was so sad that I would never see his little mouth move or his eyes open and look at me or his little hand wrap around my finger.

I guess he was not a true stillbirth, since he had a heartbeat right up until they took him out. They would not have done a c-section if they thougt he was already gone. They really believed he was going to be born alive but was maybe in distress. He just never took a breath.

Angel, I appreciate the time you took to write me that beautiful message. If you would like to write a poem, I would be honored. The way I am feeling today it was good to hear it. I spent a good part of the weekend crying. I have been pretty lucky that most people don't say insensitive things to me yet, but I have been surprised by my own mother , who has been a tremendous support to me, had flown in to see me in the hospital, got to hold her grandchild, cried with me. She has made a few need to move on type comments and it has bothered me. She is an impatient person and is a very fast paced person. She is also grieving the death of her mother (my grandma) who died a week after baby Patrick. We both believe Grandma is taking care of my baby for me.

Another thing is my dad. My parents are divorced. My dad and I have had a rocky relationship over the years but we try to be friendly now. He keeps refering to me as "my little girl" (he has not acted anything like a father to me in like 20 years) He has been very emotional about this and I know it has affected him deeply. He was very happy for us when we became pregnant. He also makes comments that he knows i'll be ok he has confidence in my husband. It really annoys me. My husband has done more for me than my father ever has. We have been together 12 years. If my dad wants to be supportive, why doens't he ever come to visit me? i have lived away from home for just about 7 years and never has he come to visit, though he has been invitied. Also, his longtime partner(girlfriend) who he lives with, has not once called or emailed me, sent a card or anything. I considered her family since she has been with my dad for 15 years. It is dissapointing.

Something else people say a lot is "This too shall pass." I am getting tired of that one. Well, the tsunami came and it did pass, but look what got left in its wake? Just because something passes, doesn't make the survivors any better off for surviving. It just doesn't mean anything to me.


I just don't know how I can cope sometimes. This whole past weekend I cried and cried. I saw a commercial with a newborn in it and must have cried for half an hour afterward. Sometimes the slightest thought will have me burst into tears. Sometimes just the word "cry" comes into my head and I start to cry. ON friday Patrick would have been a month old.

I am looking into support groups, but sometimes it seems when it comes time to talk about what i am feeling in front of people, I just go numb. Then when I am home alone, I cry my eyes out.

Thank you for listening and I will continue to check the board for additional replies.

Hope2heal
Dear Hope, my name is Leslie. My heart is so broke for you. I know exactly what you are feeling and there is no other hurt like it. I lost my son to stillbirth. His name is Devan. What I did not know at the time was that I have Lupus, my blood clots. I had a huge blood clot in the placenta and when I was pushing I had placenta abrupto, where it pulls completly apart, he was instantly without air. I am 34 yrs. old and this past Jan. 15, Devan would have been 13! I go to his grave every year and sit and cry. It hurts still, and that's ok..if that makes any sense to you. Do not put a time limit on your grief... there is no set time for it. Talk about it all you want, if that is what helps you. That is what I did and still do. Hopefully you have people around you that atleast try to understand the depth of your hurt and they will listen and talk to you as well. I have to say, I dealt with some real idiots and the stupid things they said to me, just hurt me that much more. Thank god for my mom and my sisters, they were great and still are.
There are so many ways of grieving and healing. There's really no right and wrong ways (unless you are doing something un-healthy) But honey, you take your sweet time and do it your way. I'll tell you one thing I did do, I of course already had his baby-book, so I sat down and wrote Devan a letter to put in that book and I dated, it was 2 days after his funeral. I still get that letter out and read it and it still makes me cry. I am crying as I write to you, its just an unbelievable feeling. But you know, it is ok to cry. You will go on, and you will laugh again someday and when the thought of little Patrick hits you, you will cry again and its ok!
I need to go right now, but if I can help at all, I sure will. And I will pray for you. I'm so sorry and you take care of yourself. Leslie





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