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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

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An emotional mess
Apr 12, 2005
I wandered over from the Panic Disorder board. I think my miscarriage is what led to my severe anxiety and panic to begin with. Seems like my life has been in a downward spiral since my 2 year journey into fertility treatments only to miscarry my first pregnancy in December 2002. I just can't get past it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't cry every day anymore. I work and begrudgingly seem to be a contributing member of society, although I no longer participate in social activities. But I do feel like my life is over, and now I have to figure out what's going to bring me joy and fulfillment for the rest of my life. Sans children. Not that I can't have any children...who knows, maybe I could go on to have them. But the thought of trying again and having another miscarriage and the tremendous loss that I would feel is just too much for me to bear. For my own sanity, I feel like I have to write the whole thing off. I just don't think I can handle putting myself in that position again. I can't imagine living through another miscarriage.

This whole thing makes me feel like such a freak, even among other women who have had miscarriages -- although I find that most women who try to encourage me are those who had miscarriages AFTER they already had a child. Can I just say to all of those women: If you have a child to begin with, you DO NOT KNOW HOW THIS FEELS. I'm so bitter it's disgusting. I've become the most hateful person because of this. Seriously - my broken spirit is hanging by a thread. Everything in life seems completely pointless.

I admire the women who can move past it, and I wish that I were that strong. I don't expect any readers to make it to this point, but if you're here...thanks for listening to me vent.

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