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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board


Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index


Hello,

first of all im so sorry that your friend is going through this awful pain nobody should feel this, A miscarriage feel like the nd of the world, unfornatly your friend is going to have to feel this for awhile, its the only way to grieve and for her to move on with life. You cant force her to talk, move on etc.

The best thing not to say is " I know how you feel" unless you really do, it actually offends a woman who thinks her pain couldnt match anyone else's.

The best thing to say to her is I dont know what you are feeling right now, but I want you to know that I am here for you day and night and that I love and care about you very much." let her come the rest of the way, and dont be upset if she doesnt, I know I shut alot of people I loved out and didnt want talk about anything!

Goodluck
and may god bless you friend and her family

Michele
The list will be more about what not to say than what to say.

Do not say 'I know how you feel', even if you do. Her pain is important and personal.

Do not say 'You can always have another', since babies are not replaceable.

Do not say 'At least you know you can get pregnant' since that hardly takes away the heaviness of being unable to carry it to term.

Do say "I'm sorry" in the same way you would after you hear someone close to them has died, since this is exactly what has happened.

Do ask if there's anything you can do to make her life easier -- she might be feeling very sick; can you cook meals for her? Help her clean house? Be there while she cries?

Do say sorry to her partner as well, since he/she is experiencing a grievous loss as well.
i think the only thing about "it's common" that made me feel okay was when people who had miscarriages said something along these lines, and in these cases it was kind of done in a "a lot of us go through this, here's how i can support you" kind of way. but yeah, i even have to stop my husband from the "it's common" line of rationality, b/c it makes me feel sad sometimes... like i should just be able to pick up my life and move on.

god's plan, that's a good no-no too! i have had some people say things like "god shuts one door and opens another" or "the universe is taking care of you" which i suppose is somewhat similar.

huh, given all the things that do bug me, maybe i shouldn't be so sad that a lot of friends are avoiding me. :) or maybe i just need to tell them what i need: a good listener. you're a good friend to ask about this jessica.





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