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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

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The list will be more about what not to say than what to say.

Do not say 'I know how you feel', even if you do. Her pain is important and personal.

Do not say 'You can always have another', since babies are not replaceable.

Do not say 'At least you know you can get pregnant' since that hardly takes away the heaviness of being unable to carry it to term.

Do say "I'm sorry" in the same way you would after you hear someone close to them has died, since this is exactly what has happened.

Do ask if there's anything you can do to make her life easier -- she might be feeling very sick; can you cook meals for her? Help her clean house? Be there while she cries?

Do say sorry to her partner as well, since he/she is experiencing a grievous loss as well.
I know you got your response - but I have one more don't to add - in case others read this as well. I had so many people say (probably because they know I'm very spiritual)
- "God has plan & it wasn't meant to be" - It made me feel so insulted that they would tell me of this plan as if that makes it all better. In fact all it did was make me angry & hurt. It wouldn't be so bad, but I must've heard the "plan" at least 20 times - literally. And also - let her laugh or talk about other things & don't assume that it means she's done grieving. It's a process & rollercoaster, not only of emotions, but hormones, so moods can change quite quickly & just try to keep up with where she's at in the moment, laugh with her if that's what she needs & cry with her if that's what she needs. Good luck.
Yep - not shocking to me. THE KEY DIFFERENCE - she said it, and that's ok. Kind of like you can talk some serious garbage about your momma - but no one else better say it. When you're in a difficult place, you may be feeling very different things at different times, I was really good for a few days, then I'd be all wound up again and angry, then just deflated & sad...then ok again. The important things is that you allow her to be whatever way she is at the moment & not expect that just because she said she's ok, that she is over it. - Just be aware that you should still try to be open in case she has some down times too! - you really have been a great friend & she's lucky to have ya!

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