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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

:( On July 5th I gave birth to my beautiful son, but he died the same day. From the beginning I had two names picked out, one if it was a girl and the other if it was a boy. As far as I can think back Iíve always wanted childrenÖmore than wanting a man. (But I have the love of my life so Iím happy w/ that-smile) But the thought of me being pregnant was the most powerful moment I felt ever in my life. I had a baby in me. He was mine. I was finally chosen to have a child. He was my little buddy. From the moment I saw the two lines, I talked to him all the time. I remember one of the times I was at work and he kicked me in my ribs. I put my hand there and I told him ďNo baby, donít kick mommie there.Ē But as soon as I moved my hand, my little butt-face kicked me again in the same spot. I just busted out laughing!!! I was so happyÖand nowÖI feel nothing but pain. I still canít sleep at night. Iím afraid of the dark and have nightmares. And they have nothing to do with him or babies; itís more like bad spirits. I think itís because I was so angryÖI donít know. And actually for awhile I thought I was okay and then I have moments were I break down and cry. I wouldnít even stare at a woman if she was pregnant. And walking down the food aisle and seeing baby food would make me lose my mind. I can say I am happy for people when they have babies but still canít help but feel sorry for myself. I know thatís wrong, but I canít help it. I caught a virus and it ruined my life. I hate that you all had to go through losing a child but it is comforting to know youíre not alone. At least I have pictures of my 1lb 10.3 oz baby. I made a little baby book and the hospital gave me everything his little body touched and even gave me some of his hair. On the 5th of August (one month later), we spent two hours at his gave. Put flowers there and read to him. I know I can talk to him whenever I want but it still was nice. We laid on a blanket and just stayed there with him. Sorry Iím writing a book. But I donít feel like I canít talk to my friends; they all have children. I donít want to depress them with my sadness.

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