:( On July 5th I gave birth to my beautiful son, but he died the same day. From the beginning I had two names picked out, one if it was a girl and the other if it was a boy. As far as I can think back I’ve always wanted children…more than wanting a man. (But I have the love of my life so I’m happy w/ that-smile) But the thought of me being pregnant was the most powerful moment I felt ever in my life. I had a baby in me. He was mine. I was finally chosen to have a child. He was my little buddy. From the moment I saw the two lines, I talked to him all the time. I remember one of the times I was at work and he kicked me in my ribs. I put my hand there and I told him “No baby, don’t kick mommie there.” But as soon as I moved my hand, my little butt-face kicked me again in the same spot. I just busted out laughing!!! I was so happy…and now…I feel nothing but pain. I still can’t sleep at night. I’m afraid of the dark and have nightmares. And they have nothing to do with him or babies; it’s more like bad spirits. I think it’s because I was so angry…I don’t know. And actually for awhile I thought I was okay and then I have moments were I break down and cry. I wouldn’t even stare at a woman if she was pregnant. And walking down the food aisle and seeing baby food would make me lose my mind. I can say I am happy for people when they have babies but still can’t help but feel sorry for myself. Iknow that’s wrong, but I can’t help it. I caught a virus and it ruined my life. I hate that you all had to go through losing a child but it is comforting to know you’re not alone. At least I have pictures of my 1lb 10.3 oz baby. I made a little baby book and the hospital gave me everything his little body touched and even gave me some of his hair. On the 5th of August (one month later), we spent two hours at his gave. Put flowers there and read to him. IknowI can talk to him whenever I want but it still was nice. We laid on a blanket and just stayed there with him. Sorry I’m writing a book. But I don’t feel like I can’t talk to my friends; they all have children. I don’t want to depress them with my sadness.
