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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

Thank you all for caring. I am very numb, and it's hard to cry.Which is odd because usually I express my emotions through tears when sad..but this time I just sort of sit and stare.The sad thoughts will leave me and I will be doing something, enjoying my husband's company, and then a brief thought that the baby is no longer alive in me will come in my head and I will feel sad all over again and will sit and stare in a daze. I wonder how Monday will be when they put me alseep to do the surgery. How will I feel after? Will the tears pour out, because reality will have finally kicked in and the shock worn off? I think I will feel a little better after, because then I might be able to start letting go.

My breasts hurting and feeling stomach sick like I am still healthy pregnant, is a cruel reminder that I have lost something dear to me at this point. I want my bump to go away too. I see it when I look down and I feel it's firmness and its still there uncomfortable as I sleep at night and I want it gone. But I want my baby even more. I can't have that though. I will most likely miss the feelings that I have become accustomed to feeling over the past few months and losing them will bring on a new found, but all to familiar sorrow. I am torn as you can see. I am wanting to desperately move on from this but at the same time fighting to never let go, as I clutch onto what was never meant to be mine.

Why does God make it so so easy for me to get pregnant if I can't even carry a baby to term? Why? I would almost rather not be able to get pregnant, than to have to feel this pain over and over again. This ruthless tugging of the heart just might bring on a cardiac arrest. Then no one wins. Right? I am just rambling now and I apoligize. I just have so many questions and none are getting answered because no one knows why this is happening, save God, that is. Thanks again for your kind words.----Jess

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