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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

This is a long one, but I promise, one that I hope everyone can either learn from or help me with. Plus, feedback would be great because this is really hard for me to do.

I am a college freshman. I was raped by my junior year prom date that I fairly knew. That in itself is enough to throw me into a loop because I was never and am still not into having sex before marriage. The thought of not having my physical virginity to give away on my wedding night kills me every time I think about it. Anyway, I was drugged, and then forcefully raped by at least my date and two of his friends, maybe three; I do not remember all of it clearly. This was obviously in prom season (Early May of 2005) and I did not share anything with anyone other than the clinic I went to until November. Since then I have had what I am guessing are speratic anxiety attacks, horrifying nightmares/terrors, dangerous nutritional habits, I get sick more often with more serious illnesses than I usually did, my spiritual life is way out of wack, and I am so emotionally unstable, 3 hours of sleep in one night is amazing for me.

I ended up having to go to the clinic because a month later, I was having major bleeding problems, intense pain (worse than the normal menstrual cramp pains that I take pain relievers for), and I was scared out of my mind and did not have anyone to take me. I was throwing up a lot because I was too anxious, nervous, and scared that I could not control it. My dance coach thought I was developing an eating disorder. Remember, I did this all alone until November, and even then it was my male youth pastor I confided in and did not let the whole story out to anyone until July of this year. Not even to the cops when the school found out almost 9 months later.

So, June 3rd of 2005 I went to the clinic and they said that I had a miscarriage. (I can remember the exact date because this year June 3rd, was the day I graduated).I know that miscarriages usually happen within the first 20 weeks, but wasn't the end of my fourth week a little early. It was only the week before that that I had taken my at home pregnancy test and tested positive.

I went through the process that I thought was best and apparently now have scar tissue and complications, some that may have long tem effects, none that are currently life altering, but very dangerous. I am so scared to develop an even semi-intimate relationship with a guy now that I do not know what to do. I want to but I simply feel like I can not.

I did find the guts to go to my senior prom. I went with a date (my first date since the initial incident) who was a good friend of mine from church. I had the support of my closest best friend who was a teacher at my high school preparing for the weekend and at the dance as well as after prom (and her husband came too, informed of the situation long before). She helped me get through the night and I was doing well until I saw my junior prom date at after prom with his new girlfriend. I collapsed, was taken care of by my friend (the teacher) and do not remember a lot of the night because of my dreadful state of udder shock and turmoil.

My parents went nuts that my "teacher" had 'overstepped boundaries' and taken me from after prom to her house and put me to bed because I was shaking, crying, and removed. My parents tried to get that teacher fired and so everything in their power to get rid of her. Why? She was the only thing I had... (I do not get along with my parents if you cannot tell).

She kept her job, the summer was hard with self mutilation incidences and me fighting back knowing that was not the way to deal. That is a battle I am still fighting. I worked 70 hours a week all summer to avoid contact with parents or friends that I felt did not care when I decided to turn to 3 or 4 of my closest friends my age, moved out to college, and now am trying to hard to move past it and live the normal live I had before but having an private emotional breakdown once a day or more is normal. I hate it!

Any feedback, suggestions, or questions on any of this I think will help me.

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