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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board


Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index


jo,

I am so sorry about all of the losses you have experienced!!! (((Hugs))) to you (that is the only thing missing from this board is the experience of having someone hold you and let you cry or cry with you, this board is soooo helpful though)!!!!! I agree with your conflicted feelings about seeing and getting attached to the baby that was inside you but have to let go of right away. I am so glad I gave birth to both Shawn and Dylan and got to hold them, have pictures taken, etc but it made me bond with them even stronger and I miss them both so much. I know I would have deeply regretted not seeing them, it was hard to let go of two such perfect little babies that had the same features as the two boys I have at home. It makes you want to know how somebody so obviously a part of you has to taken away. The other 3 babies I lost early in pregnancy still hurt really badly but I didn't have to push them out, deliver a placenta, have my milk come in, etc. You still feel like a part of dies with that baby but I know I am grieving Shawn and Dylan so much more. I feel horrible that the other 3 never had names, they were just our babies, we didn't send out announcements of them passing through our lives, and they don't have cemetary plots, I still love them and miss them and wonder what it would have been like to have them in my life. Maybe this sounds messed up, but I feel guilty over how much grief I have had over Shawn and Dylan compared to the other 3 (the first was around 10 weeks, 2nd was around 7 weeks and the third was maybe 5-6 weeks approximately)babies, I grieved and cried for them like crazy but the last two times it has felt to deep and so raw. I don't think there is ever a point you get over losing a baby what changes is the reaction you experience grief wise the love remains constant.

I thought I was actually having a pretty good day until I was on my way home from the chiropractor and I drove by the cemetary where our son Shawn is buried. Whenever I go by I always say hi to my sweet baby and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I just lost it (the exit off of the highway is right there, huge curve and I am completely sobbing) and said out loud, God I want my babies back. It got a little better driving through town but also on the way to our house I drive by the funeral home that took care of both of our boys and still has Dylan because he isn't being buried by his brother (he'll be two half plots down from Shawn, so there is two babies between them) until the ground thaws in the spring. I told Dylan how much I wished he was still in my belly, that I missed him and loved him so much. I lost it again, my baby is resting in his sealed casket 3 blocks from our house and it is just too much to think about right now (he was born two weeks ago today). I just miss them so much, I hate how much this hurts, I wish I could make it so no one else had to ever feel like this!!!!

Okay, got all my baggage unloaded for now ;) so on to wishing congrats, congrats, congrats on your pregnancy!!!! I wish you all the best luck and a bulging belly that gives you a beautiful baby!!!! I hope things are going well with your relationship with your man, remember to take care of yourself though, it's hard work growing a baby. I know there are men out there willing to share all their thoughts and feelings but it sounds like neither of us have that type, I always feel lucky when my hubby does share something. I just wish I could help with this more but I know he is dealing with things in his own way and I have to respect that, I don't understand that, I am the cry and talk then cry somemore type when it comes to this. I am so happy for you though, you are starting on the journey again, I am jealous, but it always makes me happy when good things happen for people. May you have a glorious baby bump!!! :angel:

My thoughts and prayers and with you!!!! Thank you so much for sharing and supporting me, I really appreciate it. It is so helpful to be able to put what your feeling into words and share them with other women that understand what you mean, so thank you again!!!

Susie





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