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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

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On Jan. 12 we had our second angel baby at 17 weeks, Dylan after I spent a couple of days slanted backward trying to get the amniotic sac to go back into my uterus. Instead my water broke and I gave birth a few hours later. The worst thing is that after my water broke I could feel him kicking and turning so much. I kept thinking that he is alive and wants to live just like the son we lost 3 years ago at 22 weeks except with him (Shawn) my water broke at 20 weeks and I lasted almost three weeks in the hospital. The told me it was just a fluke that time, my cervix didn't appear to be dialated and that it probably wouldn't happen again. With Dylan I could feel the amniotic sac which was horrible because I knew it was happening again.

It was not an easy pregnancy because I have fibromyalgia and my symptoms were magnified hugely but it was so worth it, we wanted him so badly. I really felt positive about this pregnancy, had looked at cribs and other baby stuff and my two living boys (13 & 10) were so excited about getting a little brother or sister. We have also lost 3 other pregnancies in the first trimester which was very hard.

It was the worst sense of deja vu walking into the same funeral home that buried our last son. Dylan will be buried about 4 feet from Shawn when spring comes and we can have his headstone installed then as well. I feel like I'm drowning, I can't stop crying, and I am feeling so guilty. It was my body that caused this my boys were perfectly healthy, just too small, and my body let them down. My husband and doctor have said it was nobodys fault but I feel so guilty.

I want a baby so badly (what I really want is Dylan, Dylan and Shawn preferably, but I can't have that) and my husband has been so devasted by this refuses to let us get pregnant again. I don't think time will change his mind either. He says maybe in a year or two we can adopt or take in a foster child. I would be devasted to lose another baby but want to be pregnant so badly I would be willing to have the worst pregnancy on the planet if it got me a healthy baby.

I know this is all probably just the ramblings of a grieving, hormonal female, but I would love to hear from anyone who has been through late miscarriage and/or incompetent cervix. My thoughts and prayers are with anyone else who is experiencing or has experienced the loss of a baby. Hugs and love to you!
I am so sorry. *HUGS YOU SO VERY TIGHT

I just experienced my first miscarriage this past week. I was 7 weeks along. It seems like every week is another year you bond with your baby. It's not easy. I don't know if this will help you feel any better but I'll share this with you because it helped me.
This is a personal believe so you can take it however you would like. I believe that all children pick their parents before they are born. Some of our our children only need to come here to receive a body because they are so perfect. One day you will meet with your children again. Try not to think this was your fault. Instead think of the miracle you and your husband provided for them. They love you both so much for everything you have done. They will always be watching over you and your family. Your sweet, precious, and perfect angles. :angel:
This is based off my religious believes and I know thats a hard topic for most people. It just makes sense to me and it helps the grieving process. I hope this can help you and maybe others. Try to make sense of it from what you believe maybe. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

I wish you the best of luck during these hard times.
Hi Weitz,

My heart truly goes out to you and your family for your losses. I also just recently lost my angel, Sam, at 6 weeks. For me, I think of him and know that he is taking care of us down here. We have wanted a baby really badly for over 2 years, and this was our first pregnancy...although I don't think it gets any easier. I hope and pray that we will all find solace in ourselves and other people, to help us heal. And don't worry, you are not rambling, your grieving. Is there something that the doctors can do to fix or strengthen your cervix? I love what you mentioned about the song. Believe it or not, but you are very strong and will get through this. And never believe it's your fault, because it isn't. We sometimes have problems with our bodies, but it doesn't mean we made them that way.
Jojo, wow, that is a great way to look at it!

I hope this has helped you Weitz. Just remember your not alone, nor will you ever be.

Take care and good luck.


Flutter :wave:

I lost my first born son at 36 weeks, he died during delivery (emerg. C-section) I got pregnant again the next year and now have a healthy 5 month old son. I am so sorry for your loss and I know everything you must be feeling. Loosing a baby that far along is not like having a miscarriage early on. Having to actually give birth to a dead baby is the worst most tragic thing in the world. I know you are feeling guilty and blame yourself, of course I do too. You probably always will. I think it makes me feel more in control that if I blame myself and then I can be the one to make it right next time. People telling you its not your fault won't mean anything to you right now. The best thing you can do for your babies and family is to first recover and heal. You are emotional and hormonal but you need something to hold onto. . . hope. Don't push your husband to agree with you right now, he is grieving in his own way. First recover and get well. This could take months. Every day is so painful but eventually time does pass. After you are better physically you can maybe speak with a perinatal specialist about getting a cerclage (my friend has had 4 children with the cerclage, getting her cervix stitched up early in the pregnancy) If it wasn't for my perinatal specialists and holding onto hope, I don't think I wouold of made it.

2-get medical advice
3-don't loose hope.

I wish you all the best for healing and a future healthy baby.
I was so sad to read your post like you I have suffered two late miscarriages but for different reasons due to placenta not working properly. Ive suffered 4 miscarriages and it has been really hard on myself and my partner we lost our first boy at 19 wks in Feb 2005 then we lost another boy in March 06 at 15 wks. Neither of us went counselling wish I did as I feel like I shouldnt still be grieving 2 years on but I still cry when I think that it should be coming up to both of their birthdays. I lost another 2 at 6 wks but not seeing them perfectly formed means it doesnt pray on my mind as much, I dont know if seeing the other 2 actually helped or just gave me more to miss but in a funny way Im glad I did.
Anyway the point I was getting to was that after my last miscarriage in March 06, my partner and I split up, we were told we couldnt try for another baby again as they wasnt really sure of the cause and couldnt gaurantee it happening again. not sure how we got through it he has no children ive got 2 from a previous relationship but looking back on it we should have had counselling, eventually after 1 month apart we got back together and I am now pregnant again it came as a complete shock and the fear of losing this baby has been with me the whole pregnancy.
all I wanted to say really is that for me it always feels like noone can ever understand the pain as I dont know anyone personally but coming to these boards and talking with people who have had similar experiences has really helped me nothing will ever help me to come to terms with losing my babies as it just seems so unfair but the knowledge that people do understand has really helped and I know that in one of my replies someone wrote to me said that the pain of losing a baby stays with you forever you just learn to carry on sorry Ive been going on loads ! wish you all the best in the future and I hope you can get some comfort from these boards like I have in the past
My thoughts are with you

I am so sorry about all of the losses you have experienced!!! (((Hugs))) to you (that is the only thing missing from this board is the experience of having someone hold you and let you cry or cry with you, this board is soooo helpful though)!!!!! I agree with your conflicted feelings about seeing and getting attached to the baby that was inside you but have to let go of right away. I am so glad I gave birth to both Shawn and Dylan and got to hold them, have pictures taken, etc but it made me bond with them even stronger and I miss them both so much. I know I would have deeply regretted not seeing them, it was hard to let go of two such perfect little babies that had the same features as the two boys I have at home. It makes you want to know how somebody so obviously a part of you has to taken away. The other 3 babies I lost early in pregnancy still hurt really badly but I didn't have to push them out, deliver a placenta, have my milk come in, etc. You still feel like a part of dies with that baby but I know I am grieving Shawn and Dylan so much more. I feel horrible that the other 3 never had names, they were just our babies, we didn't send out announcements of them passing through our lives, and they don't have cemetary plots, I still love them and miss them and wonder what it would have been like to have them in my life. Maybe this sounds messed up, but I feel guilty over how much grief I have had over Shawn and Dylan compared to the other 3 (the first was around 10 weeks, 2nd was around 7 weeks and the third was maybe 5-6 weeks approximately)babies, I grieved and cried for them like crazy but the last two times it has felt to deep and so raw. I don't think there is ever a point you get over losing a baby what changes is the reaction you experience grief wise the love remains constant.

I thought I was actually having a pretty good day until I was on my way home from the chiropractor and I drove by the cemetary where our son Shawn is buried. Whenever I go by I always say hi to my sweet baby and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I just lost it (the exit off of the highway is right there, huge curve and I am completely sobbing) and said out loud, God I want my babies back. It got a little better driving through town but also on the way to our house I drive by the funeral home that took care of both of our boys and still has Dylan because he isn't being buried by his brother (he'll be two half plots down from Shawn, so there is two babies between them) until the ground thaws in the spring. I told Dylan how much I wished he was still in my belly, that I missed him and loved him so much. I lost it again, my baby is resting in his sealed casket 3 blocks from our house and it is just too much to think about right now (he was born two weeks ago today). I just miss them so much, I hate how much this hurts, I wish I could make it so no one else had to ever feel like this!!!!

Okay, got all my baggage unloaded for now ;) so on to wishing congrats, congrats, congrats on your pregnancy!!!! I wish you all the best luck and a bulging belly that gives you a beautiful baby!!!! I hope things are going well with your relationship with your man, remember to take care of yourself though, it's hard work growing a baby. I know there are men out there willing to share all their thoughts and feelings but it sounds like neither of us have that type, I always feel lucky when my hubby does share something. I just wish I could help with this more but I know he is dealing with things in his own way and I have to respect that, I don't understand that, I am the cry and talk then cry somemore type when it comes to this. I am so happy for you though, you are starting on the journey again, I am jealous, but it always makes me happy when good things happen for people. May you have a glorious baby bump!!! :angel:

My thoughts and prayers and with you!!!! Thank you so much for sharing and supporting me, I really appreciate it. It is so helpful to be able to put what your feeling into words and share them with other women that understand what you mean, so thank you again!!!

:D Hi all,

Thank you so much for the sincere understanding replies. I makes you get over those moments when you feel you just want to go up to a stranger and kick them because your feeling so bad ;) . Five weeks today and am doing okay, I think.....I saw my OB/GYN today and he is going to do a hysteroscopy in the near future to check for polyps, fibroids, etc to help any (???) future pregnancies have better outcomes. We discussed the cervical cerclage that he would do that if I did get pregnant again as well as that I would see him more often to monitored more closely. I was also given a packet of some additional pictures that one of nurses took of Dylan....omg...I lost it. The pictures are just beautiful and he look so peaceful almost if he is smiling. I so want to put that beautiful baby back inside me and have him come out in June when he was supposed to. I am very grateful for such wonderful gifts of the pictures, they also gave me another small afghan/quilt to keep (he has the first one with him in his casket) and hold. It must be a maternal thing, but God do you have the urge to hold onto something small and soft. I have been giving my husband and boys lots of hugs and asking for them as well, sometimes it seems silly to keep asking but it does help.

On the lighter side of things..I was supposed to go to a support group for parents who have lost babies on Monday. I was where I thought I was supposed to be but there was no one else there, empty parking lot, locked door the whole I call the number on the sheet about the group and the lady I talked to (we have this hotline number for our medical group called nurse direct that answers medical questions, info on diseases, groups, etc) and she has no contact # to call and says that it sounds like I'm in the right place and it is definately the right day and time. Come to find out I needed to go the other clinic next door and they all were wondering were I was. The leader sent me a map in the packet with the photos and quilt, I feel so silly.

I had a tooth pulled yesterday to get ready for a bridge to be put in. I am going to get everything fixed with my teeth so there are no health obsticles when (if?) I get pregnant again. I wish I had all the test results back from tests my doc is going to run in a few weeks to check for everything from clotting disorders to genetic disorders to cover all the bases and make sure that it is just cervical incompetence (this always sounds to me like my cervix should be fired because it isn't doing a good job) that I have going on.

Mentally, really I am not crying as much but when the tears come they are just sobs that feel like I could split in too. I keep having heart palpitations which are freaking me out, my doc says I'm fine, it's just stress and grieving, blah, blah, blah. Still keep having thoughts of something happening to me like a bad car wreck and being okay with that (I know it's not okay) and just feeling kind of like a failure. I know I am not a failure but it feels like part of your identity as a woman is wrapped up in your ability to have a child. If anyone reads Phillapa Gregory books they now that if my history with pregnancy had happened then and if I was married to a king (Pain meds must be really working :D ) I'd have been thrown over for some young fertile thing.

What really makes me sad is that there are so many of us out there that have gone through the heartbreak of losing babies. It doesn't matter when you lose them they were yours and you love them. It would be nice if there was a switch you could turn off when it comes to greiving and pain instead of it lingering on and on.

Rambled and hugs to all and only the hopes of happy futures to those of us who have experienced losses.
Who would have thought grieving mothers (and fathers) could be so scary. Death scares people and when it happens to a baby people it seems don't want to touch you with a ten foot pole. I think that when you go these experiences it helps you to be able to better connect with people, it's sad that tragedy has to happen but being able to grow from it and give to others is the gift you were given in return. You sound like such a good person and I bet you are there for all those around you. My thoughts are with you as are lots of air hugs....Susie

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