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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

On Jan. 12 we had our second angel baby at 17 weeks, Dylan after I spent a couple of days slanted backward trying to get the amniotic sac to go back into my uterus. Instead my water broke and I gave birth a few hours later. The worst thing is that after my water broke I could feel him kicking and turning so much. I kept thinking that he is alive and wants to live just like the son we lost 3 years ago at 22 weeks except with him (Shawn) my water broke at 20 weeks and I lasted almost three weeks in the hospital. The told me it was just a fluke that time, my cervix didn't appear to be dialated and that it probably wouldn't happen again. With Dylan I could feel the amniotic sac which was horrible because I knew it was happening again.

It was not an easy pregnancy because I have fibromyalgia and my symptoms were magnified hugely but it was so worth it, we wanted him so badly. I really felt positive about this pregnancy, had looked at cribs and other baby stuff and my two living boys (13 & 10) were so excited about getting a little brother or sister. We have also lost 3 other pregnancies in the first trimester which was very hard.

It was the worst sense of deja vu walking into the same funeral home that buried our last son. Dylan will be buried about 4 feet from Shawn when spring comes and we can have his headstone installed then as well. I feel like I'm drowning, I can't stop crying, and I am feeling so guilty. It was my body that caused this my boys were perfectly healthy, just too small, and my body let them down. My husband and doctor have said it was nobodys fault but I feel so guilty.

I want a baby so badly (what I really want is Dylan, Dylan and Shawn preferably, but I can't have that) and my husband has been so devasted by this refuses to let us get pregnant again. I don't think time will change his mind either. He says maybe in a year or two we can adopt or take in a foster child. I would be devasted to lose another baby but want to be pregnant so badly I would be willing to have the worst pregnancy on the planet if it got me a healthy baby.

I know this is all probably just the ramblings of a grieving, hormonal female, but I would love to hear from anyone who has been through late miscarriage and/or incompetent cervix. My thoughts and prayers are with anyone else who is experiencing or has experienced the loss of a baby. Hugs and love to you!

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