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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

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I know exactly what you mean about looking at other children that would be the age of the child you lost and wondering what Shawn (he would be 3) would like and which one of us he would take after. I am having a real hard time right now seeing other women with new babies, I don't begrudge them the joy having a baby, I just so ache to have mine to hold. Actually the most preferrable state would be for me to still be pregnant and feeling Dylan rolling around and kicking me. We had just gained that connection with each other and I have always found it to be the most special feeling in the world and I miss it so much.

I like to believe that someday we will be reunited with our children and I'm sure your daughter is up in heaven waiting for all the hugs and kisses you can give. I am so happy that you were able to have two wonderful boys, I am so grateful for mine, I don't think I could get through this without their love (the hugs, kisses and cuddles are helping me so much).

I saw my OB on Monday, I so did not want to see him yet. His practice is attached to the hospital and I didn't want to go back there yet. Physically I am doing good, my bleeding is lighter and my milk is gone after about 5 days of very sore and large breasts. I hate the fact that my body was producing milk for a baby I couldn't give it too, I know its just nature running its course but it still made me cry. Dylan's placenta showed some imflammation but my doc figures it was from my amniotic sac being prolapsed. The cord also only had one artery instead of two but he didn't think that had anything to do with it and Dylan didn't have any abnormalities so it looks like it is definately an issue with my cervix. My doc thinks the bad uterine infection I had during and after having our 10 year old weakend my cervix so I would need a cervical cerclage in the future. I see my doctor again in 4 weeks and he is going to do a whole bunch of tests to rule out any other problems and then we'll see what happens.

I like that you continue to include your daughter in your family. I am working on scrapbooks and shadow boxes for each of our angel babies. I don't want to have them put away in boxes and never brought out again, I am hoping that by doing this is will help me deal with losing Dylan as well as Shawn.

Thank you for your kind words and support they mean the world to me. I feel like the color gray right now and kind words or hugs bring me some light, so thank you.

I was so sad to read your post like you I have suffered two late miscarriages but for different reasons due to placenta not working properly. Ive suffered 4 miscarriages and it has been really hard on myself and my partner we lost our first boy at 19 wks in Feb 2005 then we lost another boy in March 06 at 15 wks. Neither of us went counselling wish I did as I feel like I shouldnt still be grieving 2 years on but I still cry when I think that it should be coming up to both of their birthdays. I lost another 2 at 6 wks but not seeing them perfectly formed means it doesnt pray on my mind as much, I dont know if seeing the other 2 actually helped or just gave me more to miss but in a funny way Im glad I did.
Anyway the point I was getting to was that after my last miscarriage in March 06, my partner and I split up, we were told we couldnt try for another baby again as they wasnt really sure of the cause and couldnt gaurantee it happening again. not sure how we got through it he has no children ive got 2 from a previous relationship but looking back on it we should have had counselling, eventually after 1 month apart we got back together and I am now pregnant again it came as a complete shock and the fear of losing this baby has been with me the whole pregnancy.
all I wanted to say really is that for me it always feels like noone can ever understand the pain as I dont know anyone personally but coming to these boards and talking with people who have had similar experiences has really helped me nothing will ever help me to come to terms with losing my babies as it just seems so unfair but the knowledge that people do understand has really helped and I know that in one of my replies someone wrote to me said that the pain of losing a baby stays with you forever you just learn to carry on sorry Ive been going on loads ! wish you all the best in the future and I hope you can get some comfort from these boards like I have in the past
My thoughts are with you

I am so sorry about all of the losses you have experienced!!! (((Hugs))) to you (that is the only thing missing from this board is the experience of having someone hold you and let you cry or cry with you, this board is soooo helpful though)!!!!! I agree with your conflicted feelings about seeing and getting attached to the baby that was inside you but have to let go of right away. I am so glad I gave birth to both Shawn and Dylan and got to hold them, have pictures taken, etc but it made me bond with them even stronger and I miss them both so much. I know I would have deeply regretted not seeing them, it was hard to let go of two such perfect little babies that had the same features as the two boys I have at home. It makes you want to know how somebody so obviously a part of you has to taken away. The other 3 babies I lost early in pregnancy still hurt really badly but I didn't have to push them out, deliver a placenta, have my milk come in, etc. You still feel like a part of dies with that baby but I know I am grieving Shawn and Dylan so much more. I feel horrible that the other 3 never had names, they were just our babies, we didn't send out announcements of them passing through our lives, and they don't have cemetary plots, I still love them and miss them and wonder what it would have been like to have them in my life. Maybe this sounds messed up, but I feel guilty over how much grief I have had over Shawn and Dylan compared to the other 3 (the first was around 10 weeks, 2nd was around 7 weeks and the third was maybe 5-6 weeks approximately)babies, I grieved and cried for them like crazy but the last two times it has felt to deep and so raw. I don't think there is ever a point you get over losing a baby what changes is the reaction you experience grief wise the love remains constant.

I thought I was actually having a pretty good day until I was on my way home from the chiropractor and I drove by the cemetary where our son Shawn is buried. Whenever I go by I always say hi to my sweet baby and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I just lost it (the exit off of the highway is right there, huge curve and I am completely sobbing) and said out loud, God I want my babies back. It got a little better driving through town but also on the way to our house I drive by the funeral home that took care of both of our boys and still has Dylan because he isn't being buried by his brother (he'll be two half plots down from Shawn, so there is two babies between them) until the ground thaws in the spring. I told Dylan how much I wished he was still in my belly, that I missed him and loved him so much. I lost it again, my baby is resting in his sealed casket 3 blocks from our house and it is just too much to think about right now (he was born two weeks ago today). I just miss them so much, I hate how much this hurts, I wish I could make it so no one else had to ever feel like this!!!!

Okay, got all my baggage unloaded for now ;) so on to wishing congrats, congrats, congrats on your pregnancy!!!! I wish you all the best luck and a bulging belly that gives you a beautiful baby!!!! I hope things are going well with your relationship with your man, remember to take care of yourself though, it's hard work growing a baby. I know there are men out there willing to share all their thoughts and feelings but it sounds like neither of us have that type, I always feel lucky when my hubby does share something. I just wish I could help with this more but I know he is dealing with things in his own way and I have to respect that, I don't understand that, I am the cry and talk then cry somemore type when it comes to this. I am so happy for you though, you are starting on the journey again, I am jealous, but it always makes me happy when good things happen for people. May you have a glorious baby bump!!! :angel:

My thoughts and prayers and with you!!!! Thank you so much for sharing and supporting me, I really appreciate it. It is so helpful to be able to put what your feeling into words and share them with other women that understand what you mean, so thank you again!!!

What an incredibly strong and supportive post you left for me, then as I am reading I find out your baby has passed away and you are awaiting a d & c and I immediately started crying. I am so very sorry, my prayers will be with you. Your strength and belief in God is what is sustaining you right now, I envy you that, I believe in God I just happen to feel a little angry with him yet. I hope the procedure goes well. Are you going to get to see the baby afterwards? I hope so, it is something that forever binds you to that child, it also makes letting them go harder, but I would take the pain of letting both of my boys go over never getting to see them, touch and kiss them, and send them off with tear tinged love and kisses. I am surprised they are doing a d & c instead of inducing you. I have to warn you, your milk will probably come in and weigh heavily on your heart.

I know you are being strong right now, but if you need to cry, scream, hit a pillow, whatever it is do it, you will feel better not bottling the pain up inside. I hope you have supportive friends and family around you during this stressful time. My husband has been wonderful as has my mom, she's my rock (God bless her, I am so lucky to have her). I do talk to God every night trying to deal with all that has happened and I always ask him to keep an eye on my boys, then I always say goodnight to Shawn and Dylan, I tell them how very much I love and miss them, to take good care of their grandparents (my hubby's parents have been gone for many years now), and to please never forget their mommy because she will never forget them. The baby you lost previously and the one you still carry that has already went on ahead took your love with them but will always leave a part of themselves with you to remember them by and think of them with love.

If I had a magic wand or a genii in a bottle I would wish all the suffering away that is talked about on this and all the boards, but it is not to be. I don't know why bad things have to happen but I do know that we grow and change from them. When we lost Shawn in 2003 he really opened our eyes to just how lucky we were to have a happy and loving marriage and two boys that are healthy that we love to pieces and that is all that matters everything else in life is just gravy. I haven't found the lesson or happy moral to the loss of sweet Dylan. I think I crave his little body rolling and kicking me in my tummy too much yet. I have a variety of health problems and think this might be the end of the line for us having kids and am mourning that as well. My heart and mind are doing constant battle over the good and bad points of this. How does one close the door on your fertility and the grand posibility of a baby, I haven't got an answer yet, don't know if I will.

I hope for your speedy recovery and as little pain as possible. I pray that you are surrounded by love and support and know that I am here if you want to chat. I was afraid at first to leave a message but it really has helped even if sometimes you are typing through tears. Everyone here understands and that means the world when you are trying to put the pieces of your heart back together. I am sending tons of hugs, I hope you feel them. I will be thinking of you. Susie
I hope you are doing well and I think its great that you are taking time to take care of yourself and health issues. Good luck with all of that.
I too miss the little things that a baby brings and was happy to read your post about that - smelly bottles and adorables cooing. I am not as far removed from it as you as my two are 5 & 3. But it really goes so quickly... And they are just sweet. i am lucky to have 2 incredible little boys and I'm not sure how I would feel after this late miscarriage without them. It was devistating and for those who do not have children yet - I can't imagine how that feels. I'm not sure if I mentioned this already but a neighbor came to tell me her miscarriage stories after she heard about what happened with me. She is older and has 4 children (like 20's-30's). But after her 1st child was born she had 2 late miscarriages due to an incompetant cervix. She went on to have 3 more children with the cervix stitch (i'm not sure of the correct terminology). But I do hope that you continue to be hopeful...

I hope that you are ok, I just have tears in my eyes reading your post and would not want to be where you are right now. It has only been 3 weeks since I miscarried at (what I thought was 17 weeks). The baby measured about 14 weeks. Reading your post has me rewinding to 3 weeks ago. I hope you are ok and I'll be thinking of you.

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