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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board


Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index


Skyye,
I know exactly what you mean about looking at other children that would be the age of the child you lost and wondering what Shawn (he would be 3) would like and which one of us he would take after. I am having a real hard time right now seeing other women with new babies, I don't begrudge them the joy having a baby, I just so ache to have mine to hold. Actually the most preferrable state would be for me to still be pregnant and feeling Dylan rolling around and kicking me. We had just gained that connection with each other and I have always found it to be the most special feeling in the world and I miss it so much.

I like to believe that someday we will be reunited with our children and I'm sure your daughter is up in heaven waiting for all the hugs and kisses you can give. I am so happy that you were able to have two wonderful boys, I am so grateful for mine, I don't think I could get through this without their love (the hugs, kisses and cuddles are helping me so much).

I saw my OB on Monday, I so did not want to see him yet. His practice is attached to the hospital and I didn't want to go back there yet. Physically I am doing good, my bleeding is lighter and my milk is gone after about 5 days of very sore and large breasts. I hate the fact that my body was producing milk for a baby I couldn't give it too, I know its just nature running its course but it still made me cry. Dylan's placenta showed some imflammation but my doc figures it was from my amniotic sac being prolapsed. The cord also only had one artery instead of two but he didn't think that had anything to do with it and Dylan didn't have any abnormalities so it looks like it is definately an issue with my cervix. My doc thinks the bad uterine infection I had during and after having our 10 year old weakend my cervix so I would need a cervical cerclage in the future. I see my doctor again in 4 weeks and he is going to do a whole bunch of tests to rule out any other problems and then we'll see what happens.

I like that you continue to include your daughter in your family. I am working on scrapbooks and shadow boxes for each of our angel babies. I don't want to have them put away in boxes and never brought out again, I am hoping that by doing this is will help me deal with losing Dylan as well as Shawn.

Thank you for your kind words and support they mean the world to me. I feel like the color gray right now and kind words or hugs bring me some light, so thank you.

Susie
Skyye,

(((Hugs))) back to you!!!

I sometimes think I might be saying too much, but then I get a caring reply like yours that makes me believe that it really is okay to share this stuff. I had to go reread what I wrote last, I didn't remember how much detail I had used, I feel so drained emotionally and physically lately I am surprised I know my own name sometimes but then I can laught with my kids and feel like me. It's a rollercoaster and I don't even like rollarcoasters:dizzy:.

I saw my counselor who I liked but had to set up an appt with another one because the man was so soft-spoken that I missed half of the things he said and I kept asking him to repeat himself. I have low level hearing loss (had since birth) and I didn't want to waste his time or mine on setting up a counseling relationship that was only connecting some of the time. The downside to this is that I have to start over with someone else and I can't get in to see him until March 6th....ugh......Thank God for this board and the support it provides and thank God for my Mom, she has been my rock through this (I have dumped so much on her and she keeps telling me to call whatever time of day or night, if I need her I am to call) and I love her sooooo much.

My husband will probably never go to counselling, he is too private with his feelings and to share them with a stranger just wouldn't happen. I know he is hurting still and we talk every day but when he is hurt or sad he pulls it in so tight, I want to help him more but it seems the best I can do is share my feelings with him and give him all of my love (hugs and kisses are good, too) and support. He means the world to me, I just hope he comes to terms with this.

Skyye, I can understand still feeling like a part of you and your family is missing. I look around and there should be a busy little 3 year old boy running around and a bulging belly in front of me and it makes you ask, "Why?" I feel so empty at times and don't know if my urge to get pregnant again is an attempt to fill that emptiness which is why we are waiting awhile to decide what to do. If my emotions had there way I'd be pregnant already but I haven't even stopped bleeding yet.

My thoughts and prayers go out to your friend who lost her twins, how heartbreaking! I am so glad she was able to have another set of twins, I am sure she still thinks of the two that are up in heaven. One set of twins to be guardian angels for the other set.

It's never feels fair to lose anyone, much less a child and if it happens more than once a person might think like I am right now that life is just being mean. Burying one son was awful, two is breaking me in half, I know I'll get through this, just doesn't feel like it right now.

Thanks for all the love and support!!! All the best to you and your family!!

Susie
Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since we lost our baby boy, Dylan. It's really weird that I can have moments of happiness doing things with my 10 and 13 year olds but the most of the time I feel like I'm covered up with this heavy wet blanket of sadness. I am into my second week of Lexapro to help with my depression, not feeling anything yet. When I last saw my rheumatologist last week he was all concerned about giving me some more painkillers for my fibromyalgia, he asked if I was going to do anything stupid with them, I said no of course not. I have no desire to hurt myself, I just keep having thoughts about getting into a head on car collision, being beaten or raped and feeling quite okay with it. I know none of these things are okay but it almost seems like if there was something wrong physically that could be seen people would notice just how much pain I'm in emotionally as well. Bottom line I right now is that I just don't really care when it comes to me. I know it will get better but right now that is where I stand.

I think part of the problem is that I've been haunting our mailbox waiting for cards to come in the mail in response to the announcements we sent out about the loss of our son (my didn't have a service, everyone that is family is at least 3 hours away). We haven't gotten that many cards back. I don't care if someone sends money, could really care less, I just want someone to send us a darn card acknowledging that we had a son, we loved him, he's gone and we really need them to show that they support us. I have gotten some really great cards and letters and even reconnected with an a close friend of mine that we had lost touch with which is great. So many family members (my Dad included) haven't sent a card, much less called to see how we are doing. I feel like we are being annoying since we sent out cards just three years ago about the loss of our son, Shawn. Boy of the boys were special and longed for and there gone and I am so struggling to deal with it, it just makes me so mad that some people (especially people you thought cared about you, ignore a blatent sign of someone needing support) act like happened. I know if someone hasn't been through this then they have a hard time relating but to completely ignore this blows my mind.

I think I am done ranting, thank you for listening, if anyone reads this. This was just something I had to say. It's so hard to feel forgotten and that the baby you lost didn't matter. I pray for good things to happen to all those who have endured loss themselves and wish you all nothing but love and support back.

Susie





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