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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

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I am so sorry about the loss of your son so late in pregnancy, I can't imagine how devasting that must have been and having to recover from a c-section as well. I hope that your pregnancy with your second son was uneventful and I am so happy you have a healthy little boy.

The hardest part about giving birth to both Shawn and Dylan was that they were alive and moving around until it came time to deliver. With Shawn I really thought I was going to be able to spend another 4-6 weeks in the hospital without him delivering. My water had been broke for almost 3 weeks when suddening there was a little wiggling foot poking out of me. I think that devasted me the most, I knew he was alive and they even checked that he had a strong heartbeat but I had to be a couple more days along and they would have taken me for a c-section to save him, instead he died during delivery when the cord got compressed. He was so perfect with the exact same nose and chin of his brothers and he had my hands and feet. With Dylan he was doing fine even after my water broke because of all pressure on the amniotic sac (Dylan was above my cervix with a little fluid but most of the fluid was bulging below my cervix) and I could really feel his movements, which breaks my heart just tying this. It hurts so bad to know that my babies wanted to live but couldn't and I am trying really hard not to lay the blame on myself but it so hard not to. I feel like I should have known something wasn't right and logically I know that there was no way of knowing but my heart is broken and my head is looking for answers and someone to blame I tend to be the easiest target. I am the type of person who likes being in control at least with myself and the last few years I have had almost none. With losing both boys, getting diagnosed with fibromyalgia and PCOS, going on disability, etc....I just want something to make sense and right now nothing seems to.

I am joining a support group through the hospital which I think will help. I will be starting to see a counselor soon as well. My rheumatologist had referred me a while back and I can finally get in to see the guy. I was orginally referred to help me deal with my chronic pain instead hes gonna get someone who is slowing going least it feels like it sometimes. I know it will get better over time but right now I feel like one of those cartoon characters who have a rain cloud that follows them where ever they go.

My husband and I have agreed not to make any decisions either way until 3-6 months down the road to give us both time to heal. Getting some more indepth medical answers will help us decide as well. Part of me thinks I'm crazy wanting another baby, our oldest starts high school next fall....God that makes me feel old...but the other part of me isn't ready to hang up my fertility yet. I want to have one more, my only request is that the baby be healthy. It would be a scary pregnancy....I know I wouldn't feel secure until after 28-30 weeks. I don't know, we'll have to wait and see.

Hope, I will try to do what your name tells me to do and hang onto hope. That is very good advise, the best one can do is hope the best for the future. I wish you all the blessings and hope of the future! Thank you so much! Susie

I think I am doing better but then again, I am now rheumatologist started me on Cymbalta to help with the pain I have from my fibromyalgia but also to help with my depression. He felt I had become depressed early in the pregnancy because I threw up any pain meds I was allowed and the rest of my meds had been taken away because they weren't safe for the baby. I was in a lot pain and not handling it well, so he had me try Wellbutrin which didn't agree with me so now it's Cymbalta. I have the hugest pupils (if I were to get pulled over by a cop I would look very suspicious ;) )but I do feel a little calmer. I still feel a deep sadness that goes down to my soul and having thoughts of why?, what did I do to deserve this?, etc. I definately think I am getting to the anger stage, my babies were alive inside me until they started to be delivered. I hate that they died inside me. I hate that they had to die when I know they were fighting to live and I couldn't do anything about it. I hate feeling so helpless. Anger, check, I defineately feel that along with continued sadness and guilt.

I was talking to a friend of mine over the weekend who understands how hard it is to lose a baby. She suffered five losses in a row before they diagnosed her with lupus, she now has a 3 year old and a 7 month old and has had her tubes tied. She understood to a degree, she didn't have to give birth to any of her lost babies and then bury them but she still understood my feelings more than someone who had never had any problems like this. Some people just don't get it, like my hubby's siblings, they act like it is no big deal. My dad takes the cake though (we don't really talk, he kind of divorced our family when my parents go divorced when I was 17), my brother was the one to break the news to him and all he had to say was, "That's a bummer." I could say many choice words that would sure to be censored out, God only knows if he will send us a card. :mad: Thank God for my Mom, she is an angel, and has listened to just been there for me!!!!

You will bond with your baby, if not now, after you deliver and hold that little bundle for the first time you will melt and your heart will belong always to your child. You have just been nervous and I don't blame you one bit, so don't be too hard on yourself. I so very happy for you, jealous, but happy.

I wish you all the best in the world!!!!!

:D Hi all,

Thank you so much for the sincere understanding replies. I makes you get over those moments when you feel you just want to go up to a stranger and kick them because your feeling so bad ;) . Five weeks today and am doing okay, I think.....I saw my OB/GYN today and he is going to do a hysteroscopy in the near future to check for polyps, fibroids, etc to help any (???) future pregnancies have better outcomes. We discussed the cervical cerclage that he would do that if I did get pregnant again as well as that I would see him more often to monitored more closely. I was also given a packet of some additional pictures that one of nurses took of Dylan....omg...I lost it. The pictures are just beautiful and he look so peaceful almost if he is smiling. I so want to put that beautiful baby back inside me and have him come out in June when he was supposed to. I am very grateful for such wonderful gifts of the pictures, they also gave me another small afghan/quilt to keep (he has the first one with him in his casket) and hold. It must be a maternal thing, but God do you have the urge to hold onto something small and soft. I have been giving my husband and boys lots of hugs and asking for them as well, sometimes it seems silly to keep asking but it does help.

On the lighter side of things..I was supposed to go to a support group for parents who have lost babies on Monday. I was where I thought I was supposed to be but there was no one else there, empty parking lot, locked door the whole I call the number on the sheet about the group and the lady I talked to (we have this hotline number for our medical group called nurse direct that answers medical questions, info on diseases, groups, etc) and she has no contact # to call and says that it sounds like I'm in the right place and it is definately the right day and time. Come to find out I needed to go the other clinic next door and they all were wondering were I was. The leader sent me a map in the packet with the photos and quilt, I feel so silly.

I had a tooth pulled yesterday to get ready for a bridge to be put in. I am going to get everything fixed with my teeth so there are no health obsticles when (if?) I get pregnant again. I wish I had all the test results back from tests my doc is going to run in a few weeks to check for everything from clotting disorders to genetic disorders to cover all the bases and make sure that it is just cervical incompetence (this always sounds to me like my cervix should be fired because it isn't doing a good job) that I have going on.

Mentally, really I am not crying as much but when the tears come they are just sobs that feel like I could split in too. I keep having heart palpitations which are freaking me out, my doc says I'm fine, it's just stress and grieving, blah, blah, blah. Still keep having thoughts of something happening to me like a bad car wreck and being okay with that (I know it's not okay) and just feeling kind of like a failure. I know I am not a failure but it feels like part of your identity as a woman is wrapped up in your ability to have a child. If anyone reads Phillapa Gregory books they now that if my history with pregnancy had happened then and if I was married to a king (Pain meds must be really working :D ) I'd have been thrown over for some young fertile thing.

What really makes me sad is that there are so many of us out there that have gone through the heartbreak of losing babies. It doesn't matter when you lose them they were yours and you love them. It would be nice if there was a switch you could turn off when it comes to greiving and pain instead of it lingering on and on.

Rambled and hugs to all and only the hopes of happy futures to those of us who have experienced losses.
Hey Onyx,
I am glad you have both your angels home with you. It is so hard knowing that our son is laying in a coffin at the funeral home only three blocks from here, it gives you irrational thoughts that you can go and get him and he'll be okay. But he'll never be okay and I honestly don't think a part of me will either after all this. There were way to many deja vu moments going through it again like some surreal movie that you can't escape but desperately want to.

Don't be hard on yourself about not wanting to see the baby yet, it is so normal to be jealous and yet terrified of seeing and hearing a baby. I swear the week after we lost Dylan it was an epidemic of pregnant women everywhere I went or it was women with strollers or carrying young babies. It makes you jealous and mad, it makes you want to cry, feel like what's wrong with me that I can't do what that woman did and have a baby, all kinds of mind games and none of them feel good because your is breaking will your mind is wigging out. Your sister in law will understand that you will come to visit when your ready, if not she needs to be more understanding of your pain.

I agree it is hard to stop bringing up the children that you lost in conversation, even harder is to stop having images and thoughts from running through your head at hours of the night and day. I keep having this recurring thought about holding either Shawn or Dylan and their looking up at me with their big blue eyes and they have their little hand wrapped around one of my fingers. I want to feel the touch of that little hand on my finger so bad at times it is a physical pain. It is also hard to not picture all the things that will be missed like first smile, etc. I look at baby pictures of our two boys (13 and 10) and remember different things about when they were little and it makes the longing for the two I lost even worse because I wanted to experience all those crazy things again like old bottles found under the couch after God knows how long, the first time they said mama, hugs, the sweet smell of a babies hair, cleaning up the mess after feeding baby food, and watching them sleep.

I don't honestly know if it will happen again for us, my health isn't the greatest and my husband is still so anti-pregnancy I'm surprised he hasn't had a vasectomy on the sly. I don't want to get pregnant and gain a baby but lost my husband so there is a lot to work through before we come to a final answer. Anyway in April I'm having a hysteroscopy for my OB to look for polyps or fibroids and then he is going to do a D & C to get rid of my still thickened uterine lining so it gives us time to think.

I am here for you whenever you want to talk, rant, whatever; I love my hubby dearly but he doesn't understand how deeply this affects and changes you. I would love to talk more, if you could figure out a way for me to avoid being drawn to the baby department in Target or other stores like a magnet to touch all the soft little things I would love to here it. I can't stop doing it, I think I am torturing myself by doing this but God baby things are the most devine.

Love and Hugs!!! Susie

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