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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board


Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index


Thank you for all the love, support and hugs, they are greatly appreciated!!!!

Skyye, I am so sorry you had to go through this too. How are you doing now? Did you decide to try again for a child? If I am being nosy, I am sorry, I just hope you are happy and that things are good with you.

Flutter, I am so sorry for the loss of your Sam, HUGS!!! I will be thinking of you and hope you are doing well. If I would get pregnant again they would do a cervical cerclage where they sew the cervix shut at around 12 weeks. There are still risks with doing the cervclage but right now I dont think it will come to be an option for us, my dh is completely against us getting pregnant again, he said, "Don't you think 7 pregnancies is enough for us to go through. He is very mad about losing another child right now and would do just about anything to not go through that again including him going and getting a vasectomy (He has been way too nervous about having one done that it has been put off for years which led to us having both Shawn and Dylan). I think maybe somehow he thinks if he had, had a vasectomy earlier we could have prevented these losses. I HATE, HATE, the fact that both Shawn and Dylan died I wouldn't go back and not want to have them, because they will always be with me and I know they took a chunk of my heart with them.

I don't know if it is just greiving but I desperately want to get pregnant again, which if I continue to feel this way will become a battle and I don't want that. I love my hubby dearly and I have only been pregnant with his babies (we were high school sweethearts). He wants me to be thankful for our two boys that we have here and I am eternally grateful. But God almighty the desire for a baby is SOOOO strong. I know I am not mentally ready to get pregnant again much less physically my milk finally went away and I'm still bleeding, but my mind is having fun with me all filled baby desires...ugh.

Thank you for sharing your poem, Peace, it is really special and means a lot to me that you shared it. What a beautiful way to honor your baby who I'm sure feels how much you care up in heaven.

ASDGRMama, you have been through so much too!! I am so sorry for all you have had to go through, you have been so strong. I hope I don't bring up bad memories by asking this, but all of your pregnancies have ended in miscarriage? I hope and pray that you are blessed with a child!!! Did they do any testing to find out why things keep happening? I feel like I could just hold you, which would make me cry, but I still want to give you a hug.

I didn't even know it was an option to bring your baby home and bury it yourself. We were given the option of setting up our own private burial or allowing the hospital to bury our baby (different hospital with Shawn and Dylan) in a community plot with other babies that have been lost. I just couldn't imagine not knowing exactly where my babies were and I wanted them to each have their own headstones to let the world know that they were here and that they mattered. There are too many people out there who have never lost a baby who just do not get it, it doesn't matter how old the baby was when it died it was a part of you physically and mentally, and needs to be mourned.

Hugs and love to all of you who have shared your stories and support. I wish you all the best in the future whether it includes more babies or not. I never went to a support group after we lost Shawn but I think I will go to next months meeting because talking with all of you and reading the joy and sorrow that you have shared has helped me so much. Thank you everyone!!!
Hope,

I am so sorry about the loss of your son so late in pregnancy, I can't imagine how devasting that must have been and having to recover from a c-section as well. I hope that your pregnancy with your second son was uneventful and I am so happy you have a healthy little boy.

The hardest part about giving birth to both Shawn and Dylan was that they were alive and moving around until it came time to deliver. With Shawn I really thought I was going to be able to spend another 4-6 weeks in the hospital without him delivering. My water had been broke for almost 3 weeks when suddening there was a little wiggling foot poking out of me. I think that devasted me the most, I knew he was alive and they even checked that he had a strong heartbeat but I had to be a couple more days along and they would have taken me for a c-section to save him, instead he died during delivery when the cord got compressed. He was so perfect with the exact same nose and chin of his brothers and he had my hands and feet. With Dylan he was doing fine even after my water broke because of all pressure on the amniotic sac (Dylan was above my cervix with a little fluid but most of the fluid was bulging below my cervix) and I could really feel his movements, which breaks my heart just tying this. It hurts so bad to know that my babies wanted to live but couldn't and I am trying really hard not to lay the blame on myself but it so hard not to. I feel like I should have known something wasn't right and logically I know that there was no way of knowing but my heart is broken and my head is looking for answers and someone to blame I tend to be the easiest target. I am the type of person who likes being in control at least with myself and the last few years I have had almost none. With losing both boys, getting diagnosed with fibromyalgia and PCOS, going on disability, etc....I just want something to make sense and right now nothing seems to.

I am joining a support group through the hospital which I think will help. I will be starting to see a counselor soon as well. My rheumatologist had referred me a while back and I can finally get in to see the guy. I was orginally referred to help me deal with my chronic pain instead hes gonna get someone who is slowing going crazy....at least it feels like it sometimes. I know it will get better over time but right now I feel like one of those cartoon characters who have a rain cloud that follows them where ever they go.

My husband and I have agreed not to make any decisions either way until 3-6 months down the road to give us both time to heal. Getting some more indepth medical answers will help us decide as well. Part of me thinks I'm crazy wanting another baby, our oldest starts high school next fall....God that makes me feel old...but the other part of me isn't ready to hang up my fertility yet. I want to have one more, my only request is that the baby be healthy. It would be a scary pregnancy....I know I wouldn't feel secure until after 28-30 weeks. I don't know, we'll have to wait and see.

Hope, I will try to do what your name tells me to do and hang onto hope. That is very good advise, the best one can do is hope the best for the future. I wish you all the blessings and hope of the future! Thank you so much! Susie
Skyye,

(((Hugs))) back to you!!!

I sometimes think I might be saying too much, but then I get a caring reply like yours that makes me believe that it really is okay to share this stuff. I had to go reread what I wrote last, I didn't remember how much detail I had used, I feel so drained emotionally and physically lately I am surprised I know my own name sometimes but then I can laught with my kids and feel like me. It's a rollercoaster and I don't even like rollarcoasters:dizzy:.

I saw my counselor who I liked but had to set up an appt with another one because the man was so soft-spoken that I missed half of the things he said and I kept asking him to repeat himself. I have low level hearing loss (had since birth) and I didn't want to waste his time or mine on setting up a counseling relationship that was only connecting some of the time. The downside to this is that I have to start over with someone else and I can't get in to see him until March 6th....ugh......Thank God for this board and the support it provides and thank God for my Mom, she has been my rock through this (I have dumped so much on her and she keeps telling me to call whatever time of day or night, if I need her I am to call) and I love her sooooo much.

My husband will probably never go to counselling, he is too private with his feelings and to share them with a stranger just wouldn't happen. I know he is hurting still and we talk every day but when he is hurt or sad he pulls it in so tight, I want to help him more but it seems the best I can do is share my feelings with him and give him all of my love (hugs and kisses are good, too) and support. He means the world to me, I just hope he comes to terms with this.

Skyye, I can understand still feeling like a part of you and your family is missing. I look around and there should be a busy little 3 year old boy running around and a bulging belly in front of me and it makes you ask, "Why?" I feel so empty at times and don't know if my urge to get pregnant again is an attempt to fill that emptiness which is why we are waiting awhile to decide what to do. If my emotions had there way I'd be pregnant already but I haven't even stopped bleeding yet.

My thoughts and prayers go out to your friend who lost her twins, how heartbreaking! I am so glad she was able to have another set of twins, I am sure she still thinks of the two that are up in heaven. One set of twins to be guardian angels for the other set.

It's never feels fair to lose anyone, much less a child and if it happens more than once a person might think like I am right now that life is just being mean. Burying one son was awful, two is breaking me in half, I know I'll get through this, just doesn't feel like it right now.

Thanks for all the love and support!!! All the best to you and your family!!

Susie
:D Hi all,

Thank you so much for the sincere understanding replies. I makes you get over those moments when you feel you just want to go up to a stranger and kick them because your feeling so bad ;) . Five weeks today and am doing okay, I think.....I saw my OB/GYN today and he is going to do a hysteroscopy in the near future to check for polyps, fibroids, etc to help any (???) future pregnancies have better outcomes. We discussed the cervical cerclage that he would do that if I did get pregnant again as well as that I would see him more often to monitored more closely. I was also given a packet of some additional pictures that one of nurses took of Dylan....omg...I lost it. The pictures are just beautiful and he look so peaceful almost if he is smiling. I so want to put that beautiful baby back inside me and have him come out in June when he was supposed to. I am very grateful for such wonderful gifts of the pictures, they also gave me another small afghan/quilt to keep (he has the first one with him in his casket) and hold. It must be a maternal thing, but God do you have the urge to hold onto something small and soft. I have been giving my husband and boys lots of hugs and asking for them as well, sometimes it seems silly to keep asking but it does help.

On the lighter side of things..I was supposed to go to a support group for parents who have lost babies on Monday. I was where I thought I was supposed to be but there was no one else there, empty parking lot, locked door the whole works...so I call the number on the sheet about the group and the lady I talked to (we have this hotline number for our medical group called nurse direct that answers medical questions, info on diseases, groups, etc) and she has no contact # to call and says that it sounds like I'm in the right place and it is definately the right day and time. Come to find out I needed to go the other clinic next door and they all were wondering were I was. The leader sent me a map in the packet with the photos and quilt, I feel so silly.

I had a tooth pulled yesterday to get ready for a bridge to be put in. I am going to get everything fixed with my teeth so there are no health obsticles when (if?) I get pregnant again. I wish I had all the test results back from tests my doc is going to run in a few weeks to check for everything from clotting disorders to genetic disorders to cover all the bases and make sure that it is just cervical incompetence (this always sounds to me like my cervix should be fired because it isn't doing a good job) that I have going on.

Mentally, really I am not crying as much but when the tears come they are just sobs that feel like I could split in too. I keep having heart palpitations which are freaking me out, my doc says I'm fine, it's just stress and grieving, blah, blah, blah. Still keep having thoughts of something happening to me like a bad car wreck and being okay with that (I know it's not okay) and just feeling kind of like a failure. I know I am not a failure but it feels like part of your identity as a woman is wrapped up in your ability to have a child. If anyone reads Phillapa Gregory books they now that if my history with pregnancy had happened then and if I was married to a king (Pain meds must be really working :D ) I'd have been thrown over for some young fertile thing.

What really makes me sad is that there are so many of us out there that have gone through the heartbreak of losing babies. It doesn't matter when you lose them they were yours and you love them. It would be nice if there was a switch you could turn off when it comes to greiving and pain instead of it lingering on and on.

Rambled enough....love and hugs to all and only the hopes of happy futures to those of us who have experienced losses.
Susie
I hope you are doing well and I think its great that you are taking time to take care of yourself and health issues. Good luck with all of that.
I too miss the little things that a baby brings and was happy to read your post about that - smelly bottles and adorables cooing. I am not as far removed from it as you as my two are 5 & 3. But it really goes so quickly... And they are just sweet. i am lucky to have 2 incredible little boys and I'm not sure how I would feel after this late miscarriage without them. It was devistating and for those who do not have children yet - I can't imagine how that feels. I'm not sure if I mentioned this already but a neighbor came to tell me her miscarriage stories after she heard about what happened with me. She is older and has 4 children (like 20's-30's). But after her 1st child was born she had 2 late miscarriages due to an incompetant cervix. She went on to have 3 more children with the cervix stitch (i'm not sure of the correct terminology). But I do hope that you continue to be hopeful...

Dawn
I hope that you are ok, I just have tears in my eyes reading your post and would not want to be where you are right now. It has only been 3 weeks since I miscarried at (what I thought was 17 weeks). The baby measured about 14 weeks. Reading your post has me rewinding to 3 weeks ago. I hope you are ok and I'll be thinking of you.
D





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