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:D Hi all,

Thank you so much for the sincere understanding replies. I makes you get over those moments when you feel you just want to go up to a stranger and kick them because your feeling so bad ;) . Five weeks today and am doing okay, I think.....I saw my OB/GYN today and he is going to do a hysteroscopy in the near future to check for polyps, fibroids, etc to help any (???) future pregnancies have better outcomes. We discussed the cervical cerclage that he would do that if I did get pregnant again as well as that I would see him more often to monitored more closely. I was also given a packet of some additional pictures that one of nurses took of Dylan....omg...I lost it. The pictures are just beautiful and he look so peaceful almost if he is smiling. I so want to put that beautiful baby back inside me and have him come out in June when he was supposed to. I am very grateful for such wonderful gifts of the pictures, they also gave me another small afghan/quilt to keep (he has the first one with him in his casket) and hold. It must be a maternal thing, but God do you have the urge to hold onto something small and soft. I have been giving my husband and boys lots of hugs and asking for them as well, sometimes it seems silly to keep asking but it does help.

On the lighter side of things..I was supposed to go to a support group for parents who have lost babies on Monday. I was where I thought I was supposed to be but there was no one else there, empty parking lot, locked door the whole works...so I call the number on the sheet about the group and the lady I talked to (we have this hotline number for our medical group called nurse direct that answers medical questions, info on diseases, groups, etc) and she has no contact # to call and says that it sounds like I'm in the right place and it is definately the right day and time. Come to find out I needed to go the other clinic next door and they all were wondering were I was. The leader sent me a map in the packet with the photos and quilt, I feel so silly.

I had a tooth pulled yesterday to get ready for a bridge to be put in. I am going to get everything fixed with my teeth so there are no health obsticles when (if?) I get pregnant again. I wish I had all the test results back from tests my doc is going to run in a few weeks to check for everything from clotting disorders to genetic disorders to cover all the bases and make sure that it is just cervical incompetence (this always sounds to me like my cervix should be fired because it isn't doing a good job) that I have going on.

Mentally, really I am not crying as much but when the tears come they are just sobs that feel like I could split in too. I keep having heart palpitations which are freaking me out, my doc says I'm fine, it's just stress and grieving, blah, blah, blah. Still keep having thoughts of something happening to me like a bad car wreck and being okay with that (I know it's not okay) and just feeling kind of like a failure. I know I am not a failure but it feels like part of your identity as a woman is wrapped up in your ability to have a child. If anyone reads Phillapa Gregory books they now that if my history with pregnancy had happened then and if I was married to a king (Pain meds must be really working :D ) I'd have been thrown over for some young fertile thing.

What really makes me sad is that there are so many of us out there that have gone through the heartbreak of losing babies. It doesn't matter when you lose them they were yours and you love them. It would be nice if there was a switch you could turn off when it comes to greiving and pain instead of it lingering on and on.

Rambled enough....love and hugs to all and only the hopes of happy futures to those of us who have experienced losses.
dee,

I am so glad you have your small sons to enjoy, mine are getting to be such big kids (God above, my oldest starts high school next year and I'm only 34). I don't know what we are going to do yet for future children yet. I am having surgery on April 3 and have a hysteroscopy (to look for polyps, etc) and a d & c because I am still bleeding 5 weeks after losing Dylan. I think I am actually having my first period right now. Aparently I only shed the lining from the pregnancy not the lining that has been building up since 2001 (I finally have a confirmed diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary). Hopefully this time the surgery gets done, last time the tried to do it, I found out I was pregnant with Dylan. If we decide to get pregnant again this can only help.

I have to vent about something that has been really hurting me. First off I recieved this survey to fill out about my stay at the hospital about a week at home which included sections on going home with baby, admissions, and other topics that were not appropriate for me. There was this huge sections on if the nurses helped you learn to nurse if you were going to breast feed. I was really offended and it made me start crying so I shredded it and figured that was the end of it. A week and a half later I get another identical survey with a letter stating that I see we haven't recieved your reply yet, please fill this out asap. There was a phone number on there for someone within the hospital were I delivered Dylan, and of course I got voice mail, so I told them how hurtful I thought this was and that it was tasteless when my baby is lying in a casket in a funeral home 3 blocks from here and you want to know my experience with bringing my baby home. I get a call back about an hour later and the lady was very apologetic and said I should have never recieved one in the first place and would contact the survey company and make sure I would not recieve any more. Two days later I recieved a beautiful basket of flowers from the hospital saying how sorry they were and offering condolences on the loss of our son, which was very nice. Okay, I think problems are solved. I get a bill in the mail for our health system for $50.00 for a co-pay to the first hospital I went to (was transferred by ambulance to our health plans hospital). With our plan there is a $50.00 co-pay if you go to the emergency room, but it is waived if you are admitted to the hospital. I called and the lady said it would be taken care of. A few days later another bill comes this time with an obscure code and a dollar amount of $1474. I freaked out, everything is covered under our plan, any hospital expenses, doctors fees, room and board, etc., so I call again. I say there must be a mistake, everything should be covered and asked what the code was. She didn't want to tell me. Turns out the code was for an abortion which our plan does not cover. I started crying and explained what had happened, she got on the phone with someone else and told me it would be changed and I would not get any more bills regarding this until it was straightened out. She apologized and said she would be praying for me. Then on Thursday I get a statement of benefits in the mail, first just usual stuff then the same amount of $1474 comes up and it clearly lists the procedure as an abortion. Lost it again, could not stop crying for like 30 minutes. Made another call this time to the health plan main office, explained through tears what was going on, she said this was clearly a mistake (a coding error) and between them, medical coding and my doctors office this would get cleared up. She wished me the best, said she was sorry and said she would be praying for our family. Nice sentiments but I swear to God they are trying to give me a mental break down. I would move heaven and earth to have my child back in my womb growing bigger and stronger but I can't and I hate it, hate it, hate it. Here's the kicker, today recieved a bill from the ambulance company for over $600.00. They said my insurance company had denied the claim, I was ready to go off when I saw that had filed with an insurance plan we haven't had in over 4 years. So I have to call them on Monday and straighten this out.

I keep asking God, "What more do you want from me?" because we have had so much go wrong within the last six months. I am now on ten (yes, ten) medications: zoloft, klonopin, vicodin, percocet, neurontin, flexeril, metformin, vitamin d, amoxicillan and a statin for high cholesterol. I am also having the joy of wearing a holter moniter until 3 pm Sunday. It is a 48 hour continuous monitor of my heart rate because I had an EKG that came back with a slow heart rate. I also have an echocardiogram set up for Thursday. I need a vaction from my life!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent, it helps to get all this junk out of the system. My best wishes to all and hope everyone is working through there own healing process and feeling better each day. Susie





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