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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board


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Skyye,

(((Hugs))) back to you!!!

I sometimes think I might be saying too much, but then I get a caring reply like yours that makes me believe that it really is okay to share this stuff. I had to go reread what I wrote last, I didn't remember how much detail I had used, I feel so drained emotionally and physically lately I am surprised I know my own name sometimes but then I can laught with my kids and feel like me. It's a rollercoaster and I don't even like rollarcoasters:dizzy:.

I saw my counselor who I liked but had to set up an appt with another one because the man was so soft-spoken that I missed half of the things he said and I kept asking him to repeat himself. I have low level hearing loss (had since birth) and I didn't want to waste his time or mine on setting up a counseling relationship that was only connecting some of the time. The downside to this is that I have to start over with someone else and I can't get in to see him until March 6th....ugh......Thank God for this board and the support it provides and thank God for my Mom, she has been my rock through this (I have dumped so much on her and she keeps telling me to call whatever time of day or night, if I need her I am to call) and I love her sooooo much.

My husband will probably never go to counselling, he is too private with his feelings and to share them with a stranger just wouldn't happen. I know he is hurting still and we talk every day but when he is hurt or sad he pulls it in so tight, I want to help him more but it seems the best I can do is share my feelings with him and give him all of my love (hugs and kisses are good, too) and support. He means the world to me, I just hope he comes to terms with this.

Skyye, I can understand still feeling like a part of you and your family is missing. I look around and there should be a busy little 3 year old boy running around and a bulging belly in front of me and it makes you ask, "Why?" I feel so empty at times and don't know if my urge to get pregnant again is an attempt to fill that emptiness which is why we are waiting awhile to decide what to do. If my emotions had there way I'd be pregnant already but I haven't even stopped bleeding yet.

My thoughts and prayers go out to your friend who lost her twins, how heartbreaking! I am so glad she was able to have another set of twins, I am sure she still thinks of the two that are up in heaven. One set of twins to be guardian angels for the other set.

It's never feels fair to lose anyone, much less a child and if it happens more than once a person might think like I am right now that life is just being mean. Burying one son was awful, two is breaking me in half, I know I'll get through this, just doesn't feel like it right now.

Thanks for all the love and support!!! All the best to you and your family!!

Susie
jo,

I think I am doing better but then again, I am now medicated....my rheumatologist started me on Cymbalta to help with the pain I have from my fibromyalgia but also to help with my depression. He felt I had become depressed early in the pregnancy because I threw up any pain meds I was allowed and the rest of my meds had been taken away because they weren't safe for the baby. I was in a lot pain and not handling it well, so he had me try Wellbutrin which didn't agree with me so now it's Cymbalta. I have the hugest pupils (if I were to get pulled over by a cop I would look very suspicious ;) )but I do feel a little calmer. I still feel a deep sadness that goes down to my soul and having thoughts of why?, what did I do to deserve this?, etc. I definately think I am getting to the anger stage, my babies were alive inside me until they started to be delivered. I hate that they died inside me. I hate that they had to die when I know they were fighting to live and I couldn't do anything about it. I hate feeling so helpless. Anger, check, I defineately feel that along with continued sadness and guilt.

I was talking to a friend of mine over the weekend who understands how hard it is to lose a baby. She suffered five losses in a row before they diagnosed her with lupus, she now has a 3 year old and a 7 month old and has had her tubes tied. She understood to a degree, she didn't have to give birth to any of her lost babies and then bury them but she still understood my feelings more than someone who had never had any problems like this. Some people just don't get it, like my hubby's siblings, they act like it is no big deal. My dad takes the cake though (we don't really talk, he kind of divorced our family when my parents go divorced when I was 17), my brother was the one to break the news to him and all he had to say was, "That's a bummer." I could say many choice words that would sure to be censored out, God only knows if he will send us a card. :mad: Thank God for my Mom, she is an angel, and has listened to just been there for me!!!!

You will bond with your baby, if not now, after you deliver and hold that little bundle for the first time you will melt and your heart will belong always to your child. You have just been nervous and I don't blame you one bit, so don't be too hard on yourself. I so very happy for you, jealous, but happy.

I wish you all the best in the world!!!!!

Susie





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