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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

my heart goes out to you and I know nothing I can say will take away the hurt you are feeling. I ve had 4 miscarriages in total but the worst 2 were the boy I lost at 19 weeks in feb 2005 and the second boy I lost a year later at 15 weeks in March 2006. When I lost my 19 week baby I was absolutely devastated didnt know how I would cope and the first thing I thought about when they scanned me and told me there was no heart beat was what would I tell my 2 children who were 5 and 3 at the time they were really looking forward to having a brother or sister I think at the time thats what upset me most. Then it happened again and I knew the exact date he died because I bought a doppler as I was so paranoid as what had happened to me before I was constantly checking his heart beat from 10 weeks.
anyway at the time I was sure noone in the world could understand the pain and grief I was going through and it was a really hard time for me but I think realising that there are others who understand really helps.
Nothing I can say will ever bring your little boy back and I know the emptiness you are feeling will probably never go.
I was saying to Susie who posted to you that sometimes I get so bitter when I look at people who seem to have never have these sort of problems and find it so hard to talk to people without thinking at the back of my mind you dont know what Ive been through. I just hope we can help each other and I know it hasnt been that long since you lost your little boy just give yourself time to grieve and heal and remember that it is a long process. Wishing you the best in your recovery and if you ever need support there are always people on here who can understand part of what you are going through
I have been wanting to write again.
It seems like much longer but it's been just over two weeks since I miscarried. It still feels like a bad dream and I so want my baby back...

Jo905, we did end up telling our 3&5 year olds a few days after the miscarriage. I know that they are small and still very literal but they were discussing the new baby's arrival. So after lamenting about what and when to tell them. I just said that we were not having another baby and that sometimes babies don't grow big and strong like they did. The hospital had given me some literature on explaining this to small children. As I thought my three year old said "ok, Mommy no baby" but my five year old was more inquisitive. He really wanted to know why we said a baby was coming and why now there wasn't one coming. So I kept trying to explain without crying that the baby couldn't grow in my tummy. And he finally said ok. But as much as I try to hide my sadness from them, they are very much aware that Mommy is not happy. My 5 year old has said to me a couple of times "don't worry be happy". The other thing that gets me is that we really waited to tell everyone over the holidays that we were pregnant as we were exactly 12 weeks. I completely thought we were in the clear.

Another thing that gets me right now is that I can't believe how many people do not know what to say to me and just think that I want all this time to myself. I have told people that I really don't know what to say about the whole thing either. But I do know that people telling me that it's ok because I already have two children or that I can try again just really does not seem to help. I so want to talk people about it but I can tell that some people feel uncomfortable. And of course, I'm sparing them the gory details. On the other hand there have been a few people who have told me that this has happened to them. My neighbor who has four older children (as in 20-30) found out that we lost the baby and came over to tell me that she had two late miscarriages (20 weeks and 15 weeks) after her 1st child. This reminded me of Susie's story. Susie I hope you see this but she had an incompetant cervix and went on to have 3 more children with the aid of a stitch in her cervix for each pregnancy. I hope that you are hanging in there and doing ok. I am thinking about you and wishing you the best.

Crystal thanks for your post. Your post is the one that I read when I first found this board. I was surprised at how similar a story it was, even down to the weeks pregnant, etc. Thank you for sharing. It does somehow help to know that others are going through similar problems, even though it's incredibly sad. You sound so strong and healthy, I want to be where you are. I still feel so weepy most days.

I do feel like my ob's were not taking care of me the way they should have. I was lucky to have two healthy pregnancies before this. They were pretty standard and textbook-like pregnancies and deliveries. With my second, I did develop gestational diabetes but was able to control it with diet alone. So I now know that one OB I saw at 16 weeks did not hear the baby's heartrate. Why would she say that she did and that she could hear the baby moving around and "running away from the doppler"? Only 4 days later, I returned to the office when I began to spot. They were going to send me home because the ob I was supposed to see got called away to deliver a baby. I just had a horrible feeling and thought I was going into labor. The ob that was still in the office did agree to see me after I told the receptionist again that I was having a problem. And she was concerned when she finally saw me. So as I wrote before it was confirmed with an ultrasound that the baby did not make it. When we went back to the office, the doctor just told us that they would call the next day to schedule a d&c or whatever. She did not give me any options and even when I asked her if I was going to go into labor she just said that I should schedule the surgery. No instructions or things to look out for, etc. I know that none of this will bring back the baby but I should have been given more information. I don't think that it was safe for me to deliver my baby at home in the middle of the night. It happened so quickly and when I got to the hospital they did not know if I had delivered the placenta etc. It just so happened that when i got up to pee they thought i did. But it wasn't until my ob came to the hospital she realized that i had not delivered it and she finally helped with that. So she did a good job with that and I'm glad that she was there bc the resident on staff at the time did not realize that. Hope this makes sense and I'm not rambling...

Anyhow, I am going for a followup visit on Monday and I do plan on telling the ob that I do not feel like they took care of me the way they should have. I do have another question for her, when my water broke it was quite bloody and I'm not sure why. I didn't think to ask when I was at the hospital but when my water broke for my previous pregnancies it was clear? So I am going to ask about that as well. I know that going into labor and delivering the baby was better for me physically but I wish that she had sent me right away to induce labor. It would have been safer to do this in a hospital. As I already was experiencing signs that labor was going to begin - spotting and the passing of a mucus plug.
Ok, I have gone on enough. Thanks for letting me vent and thanks to all for your kindness - it does help and I appreciate it during this rough time.
All my best - D

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