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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

Hi everyone
I am sooo sorry to hear about everyone's losses.
I found this site by googling miscarriage at 17 weeks and came across a thread that was started earlier in the month. It was soooo similar to my situation that I decided to write as well.

I am writing about what happened because I can't seem to stop replaying everything in my mind. I just keep waking in the middle of the night and realizing I'm no longer pregnant and I'm just so heartbroken I can't stand it.
Last tues 1/30/07 (exactly 17 weeks pregnant) I woke up to some very light spotting. I noticed something in the toilet after I peed that reminded me of a mucus plug that is sometimes a signal that labor is going to begin. (I am completely fortunate to have two healthy little boys). I tried not to panic but I knew something wasn't right. The day before I had some lower back pain and even noted that i felt like I was going to get my period. I called the OB and they said to come in the morning. I go to a group of doctors, the one I was scheduled to see got called away to deliver a baby. But another OB agreed to fit me in after I insisted that I was having a problem. So I finally got into the doctors office and she could not find the baby's hearbeat and that my uterus was measuring a little small for 17 weeks. She told me not to overreact but she would send me for an ultrasound right away.

Up until that point everything had checked out. I had an ultrasound at 13 weeks and the baby was very active with a heart rate in the 150's. The ultrasound was part of the 1st screen test which also came back fine. The week before at 16 weeks I went for a checkup and did have a funny feeling about the appointment. It was a new doctor that I had not seen before and I felt she was short with me. She could not locate the baby's heartbeat for a while and then said that she found it (162) and that she could hear the baby moving away from the doppler. I didn't hear it. She said to schedule an appt for 3 weeks and I asked her about scheduling the ultrasound and she just said - "yea go ahead". I know this sounds strange but I am wondering if she really heard the baby's heartbeat? I did have my 5 year old with me so maybe she didn't want to tell me then?

Anyhow I called my husband and had him meet me at the hospital for the ultrasound. I didn't want to alarm him so I just told him that I was spotting slightly and they wanted to do an ultrasound. I still was optimistic that the baby was fine and my uterus was just in a funny position. But I asked the technician right away about the heartbeat and she said she would do measurements first and she had not gotten to that yet. She grew quiet and I knew she couldn't find the heartbeat. They sent us back to the OB office. The doctor told me that the baby was measuring about 14 weeks and had not made it. She told me that we would have to schedule a D&E and they would call me with a date and time. I asked her if my body was going to go into labor and she just said that I should really schedule the surgery. I truly did not know what was going to happen. This was considered a missed miscarriage bc the baby had died and I had not gone into labor yet.

Sorry this is so lengthy. So we went home to my two beautiful boys and just rested and cried. I did not know what to tell my 5 & 3 year olds. So we didn't tell them anything for now. They had been discussing names for the baby - Moe for a boy and Sophie for a girl. My 3 year old wanted Dino (for dinosaur) if it was a boy or a girl. But they knew something was not right and were super clingly to me for the entire evening.

So I woke up around 4AM with incredible cramps. I could barely move they were getting worse quickly. Since I had been through labor before i just thought that they would go on for a while without anything else happening. But I felt a huge gush of blood and rushed to the bathroom. I was completely covered with blood and starting to clean myself up when I felt something pass and I knew it was the baby. I was so scared I just held the baby as my husband called 911. I didn't know what to do the baby was still attached to a very thin thread of an umbilical cord and I wasn't sure if I could cut it or not. Besides the fact that I was sooo frightened, i barely looked at the baby. He fit it my one hand (we found out later that he was a boy). The EMT people helped me and took me to the hospital. I wish I wasn't so afraid.

At the hospital, I continued to bleed and finally delivered the placenta when my real ob got there. The nurse thought I had delievered the placenta earlier when I went to the bathroom but it must have been a huge blood clot. My blood pressure kept dropping to 60 over 30 and I just kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I finally started to come around and the nurse wanted to know if we wanted to see the baby. I still wasn't sure but my husband had not gotten a good look and did want to see him. He was so precious and perfect looking with his little hands and feet. That's when the nurse said they thought he was a boy and showed us why. I quickly said goodbye to him. I know I keep saying this but I wish I just spent a few more minutes with him to tell him how much I loved him from the moment we found out we were expecting. I just kept getting so dizzy whenever I saw him. We decided to name him Jack:angel: . I want to have a small memorial with my husband and I to say goodbye. The hospital said that the baby will be buried in a special plot designated for this situation in a christian manner (it was a catholic hospital). This sounds ok with me as we do not have any cemetery plots, etc. I want him to be with other small babies. But I would like to give him something, maybe a small blanket or toy to keep him warm and not alone. Hopefully we can figure all of this out in the early part of next week.

Thank you so much for listening (if you could even make it through all of this). I wish you all the best. I know that it is going to take a while to get through this. The way everything happened was soo unexpected and I never expected to deliver my dead baby at my house but I do feel fortunate that I was able to see him and hold him for a short time. If I had the procedure I would not have had that opportunity. Although I feel traumatized, I am glad for that. I know that I need to be there for my two wonderful boys, so I will probably seek counseling to try and help. I hope it does because the way I feel now is that things will never be better.

Thanks again for listening.
Hi Dee,

I'm really glad that you are able to vent & express your feelings openly. That's what we all need to do & never worry about rambling too much, cos we all do it & if there was a penalty for it.... i'd be broke :D

With your waters breaking & there being blood, i know that when my waters broke while i was aleep, i didn't really look at the colour of it as i was so unsuspecting that i was miscarrying & i put it down to a bed wetting accident (which i did think was unusual, but thought the baby may have been pressing on my bladder). So when i hopped out of the shower, i noticed a drop of blood at my feet & that's when i realised i was bleeding, & when i stripped the bed, the liquid that i had expelled from my waters breaking just looked clear, however the next day when i was washing my sheets & cleaning my underlay, i noticed it did have a pinky coloured tinge to it which i didn't notice the night before when i had stripped the bed! So your blood that you saw with your waters breaking could well have just been normal & your body expelled both at the same time, whereas with me, it seemed that it was mainly my waters at first, followed by blood a couple of minutes later, (by this time i was out of bed already).

It's still a good idea to ask your Obstetrician on your follow up appointment though just to make sure, cos it could have also been that there was a hemorrage from your placenta which caused the miscarriage. You never know until you get your results back. With my results they all came back normal & they noted a small rupture on the placenta, however they said that this was caused as a result of the miscarriage... not the cause of the miscarriage!!! Hope that makes sense! So that was a bit of a relief, although no answers is a bit frustrating & worrying, (but i guess with no obvious cause, it is easier to put it down to chance & hope that it was just a one-off). Did your POC (Products of Conception) get sent away to be tested??? If so, hopefully the results will give you some indication as to whether it was just a natural cause or not?

Isn't it strange how when something like this happens, people around us start coming out of the woodwork with the same experiences & we didn't even know about it. People who we see nearly every day & they held it all inside them & wore a social mask to mask their pain!!!

When i miscarried, so many people (i could count 10 off hand) came out & told me that they had the same thing happen to them & although it is comforting to know that you are not the only one experiencing this.... it is also scary to think that it is sooo common & when i think about that, i am just so afraid, that with those statistics it could well happen again. But on the other hand, i try to think positively & tell myself that i have had my heartache & next time everything will be fine. I know to well though, that it isn't always just a one off & that it can happen 2 or maybe 3 times & that kills me! To read about the other lady's stories who have experienced this more than once is heartbreaking & i truly hope that they can all get their faith back & heal properly!

I too hope that you can get past the immense pain that you are feeling now, but remember you have to grieve properly to be able to do that & although i found it hard to cry & for some reason felt like i had to be strong for others & hold them while they cried for me..... somehow i made it through & i'm not saying that i have completely come to terms with what has happened, but more that i have accepted that it has, and i realise that life has to go on & i want to begin another new life inside of me....... one that will help me even more with my healing process..... without forgetting my little angel Caitlyn :angel:

My husband & i waited for my first normal cycle to come & go (because my OB advised us that this would minimise the chances of another miscarriage), & then we started trying again, so i am basically due now for my 2nd period since my D& C & i am not sure what to expect really. Because i was on the contracetive pill for 6 years before trying to fall pregnant the first time, i wasn't really sure of my cycle length because while i was on the pill, it was spot on by the packet, so it's hard to determine whether i am late or not!!! Since going off the pill, it took me 4 & a half months to fall pregant (with Caitlyn), & that's because my body was getting back into it's own swing of things & my cycle length was changing every month :confused:

The first cycle before falling with Caitlyn was 32 days, then the next was 36 days & then the next one didn't come because i was pregnant...... so as you can see, i'm definately not regular & at the moment i am on day 35 of my cycle, so going by my cycle length before i fell pregnant the first time, i am still within normal cycle length & could still be possibly getting my period within the next couple of days..... i hope not though ;)

I wasn't sure whether to wait one or two cycles before trying to fall pregnant again, as there was no right advise (everyone's opinions were different), & although some people say to leave it 2 cycles before trying again, i sooo desperately wanted another baby to help me fill that void & help with the healing process, so we started after the first cycle.... & i felt ready emotionally at this time also! So if i don't get him/her this time, i guess there is next month & to me if it doesn't happen this time around, then it's probably because my body knows that it needed more time to heal & prepare itself for another pregnancy.... a healthy pregnancy :D

I found comfort in an article i read that said "Sometimes our bodies are not ready physically to follow through with a full-term pregancy, therefore they sometimes need a trial run". Not sure if you will find that same comfort, but i did ;)

Just remember that there is no right or wrong way/time frame to grieve & your pain is still very raw! My best advise to you is to keep talking about it to people you can open up to, & most of all.... talk to your husband about it! I know when my husband & i lost Caitlyn, i talked to him about it so many times a day for about 1 week :confused: I didn't want him to feel as though he couldn't ask me questions & i wanted him to feel comfortable talking about it rather than doing the man thing & not talking about it for fear of upsetting me. Talking about it with him helped me tremendously cos we discussed what we wanted to name her, what we would do with her ashes (not too sure anymore though.... still in the decision making process) & what questions to ask my OB when i had my follow up appointment etc. I think he felt relief that i was initiating conversations & i guess this helped him out a bit because then he didn't have to feel uneasy about broaching the subject.

Well anyhow i'll let you go now & i hope you CAN find your way to a stronger, more positive place within yourself (And you WILL), but first you need to grieve your loss & you seem as though you are doing that ;) You've taken this step anyway & you're talking to us, so keep your chin up & all the best for you in your future. I truly hope your path ahead is blessed.

With love & warm hugs, Crystal xoxoxox :wave:

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