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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

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I have been wanting to write again.
It seems like much longer but it's been just over two weeks since I miscarried. It still feels like a bad dream and I so want my baby back...

Jo905, we did end up telling our 3&5 year olds a few days after the miscarriage. I know that they are small and still very literal but they were discussing the new baby's arrival. So after lamenting about what and when to tell them. I just said that we were not having another baby and that sometimes babies don't grow big and strong like they did. The hospital had given me some literature on explaining this to small children. As I thought my three year old said "ok, Mommy no baby" but my five year old was more inquisitive. He really wanted to know why we said a baby was coming and why now there wasn't one coming. So I kept trying to explain without crying that the baby couldn't grow in my tummy. And he finally said ok. But as much as I try to hide my sadness from them, they are very much aware that Mommy is not happy. My 5 year old has said to me a couple of times "don't worry be happy". The other thing that gets me is that we really waited to tell everyone over the holidays that we were pregnant as we were exactly 12 weeks. I completely thought we were in the clear.

Another thing that gets me right now is that I can't believe how many people do not know what to say to me and just think that I want all this time to myself. I have told people that I really don't know what to say about the whole thing either. But I do know that people telling me that it's ok because I already have two children or that I can try again just really does not seem to help. I so want to talk people about it but I can tell that some people feel uncomfortable. And of course, I'm sparing them the gory details. On the other hand there have been a few people who have told me that this has happened to them. My neighbor who has four older children (as in 20-30) found out that we lost the baby and came over to tell me that she had two late miscarriages (20 weeks and 15 weeks) after her 1st child. This reminded me of Susie's story. Susie I hope you see this but she had an incompetant cervix and went on to have 3 more children with the aid of a stitch in her cervix for each pregnancy. I hope that you are hanging in there and doing ok. I am thinking about you and wishing you the best.

Crystal thanks for your post. Your post is the one that I read when I first found this board. I was surprised at how similar a story it was, even down to the weeks pregnant, etc. Thank you for sharing. It does somehow help to know that others are going through similar problems, even though it's incredibly sad. You sound so strong and healthy, I want to be where you are. I still feel so weepy most days.

I do feel like my ob's were not taking care of me the way they should have. I was lucky to have two healthy pregnancies before this. They were pretty standard and textbook-like pregnancies and deliveries. With my second, I did develop gestational diabetes but was able to control it with diet alone. So I now know that one OB I saw at 16 weeks did not hear the baby's heartrate. Why would she say that she did and that she could hear the baby moving around and "running away from the doppler"? Only 4 days later, I returned to the office when I began to spot. They were going to send me home because the ob I was supposed to see got called away to deliver a baby. I just had a horrible feeling and thought I was going into labor. The ob that was still in the office did agree to see me after I told the receptionist again that I was having a problem. And she was concerned when she finally saw me. So as I wrote before it was confirmed with an ultrasound that the baby did not make it. When we went back to the office, the doctor just told us that they would call the next day to schedule a d&c or whatever. She did not give me any options and even when I asked her if I was going to go into labor she just said that I should schedule the surgery. No instructions or things to look out for, etc. I know that none of this will bring back the baby but I should have been given more information. I don't think that it was safe for me to deliver my baby at home in the middle of the night. It happened so quickly and when I got to the hospital they did not know if I had delivered the placenta etc. It just so happened that when i got up to pee they thought i did. But it wasn't until my ob came to the hospital she realized that i had not delivered it and she finally helped with that. So she did a good job with that and I'm glad that she was there bc the resident on staff at the time did not realize that. Hope this makes sense and I'm not rambling...

Anyhow, I am going for a followup visit on Monday and I do plan on telling the ob that I do not feel like they took care of me the way they should have. I do have another question for her, when my water broke it was quite bloody and I'm not sure why. I didn't think to ask when I was at the hospital but when my water broke for my previous pregnancies it was clear? So I am going to ask about that as well. I know that going into labor and delivering the baby was better for me physically but I wish that she had sent me right away to induce labor. It would have been safer to do this in a hospital. As I already was experiencing signs that labor was going to begin - spotting and the passing of a mucus plug.
Ok, I have gone on enough. Thanks for letting me vent and thanks to all for your kindness - it does help and I appreciate it during this rough time.
All my best - D
Hi Dee,

I'm really glad that you are able to vent & express your feelings openly. That's what we all need to do & never worry about rambling too much, cos we all do it & if there was a penalty for it.... i'd be broke :D

With your waters breaking & there being blood, i know that when my waters broke while i was aleep, i didn't really look at the colour of it as i was so unsuspecting that i was miscarrying & i put it down to a bed wetting accident (which i did think was unusual, but thought the baby may have been pressing on my bladder). So when i hopped out of the shower, i noticed a drop of blood at my feet & that's when i realised i was bleeding, & when i stripped the bed, the liquid that i had expelled from my waters breaking just looked clear, however the next day when i was washing my sheets & cleaning my underlay, i noticed it did have a pinky coloured tinge to it which i didn't notice the night before when i had stripped the bed! So your blood that you saw with your waters breaking could well have just been normal & your body expelled both at the same time, whereas with me, it seemed that it was mainly my waters at first, followed by blood a couple of minutes later, (by this time i was out of bed already).

It's still a good idea to ask your Obstetrician on your follow up appointment though just to make sure, cos it could have also been that there was a hemorrage from your placenta which caused the miscarriage. You never know until you get your results back. With my results they all came back normal & they noted a small rupture on the placenta, however they said that this was caused as a result of the miscarriage... not the cause of the miscarriage!!! Hope that makes sense! So that was a bit of a relief, although no answers is a bit frustrating & worrying, (but i guess with no obvious cause, it is easier to put it down to chance & hope that it was just a one-off). Did your POC (Products of Conception) get sent away to be tested??? If so, hopefully the results will give you some indication as to whether it was just a natural cause or not?

Isn't it strange how when something like this happens, people around us start coming out of the woodwork with the same experiences & we didn't even know about it. People who we see nearly every day & they held it all inside them & wore a social mask to mask their pain!!!

When i miscarried, so many people (i could count 10 off hand) came out & told me that they had the same thing happen to them & although it is comforting to know that you are not the only one experiencing this.... it is also scary to think that it is sooo common & when i think about that, i am just so afraid, that with those statistics it could well happen again. But on the other hand, i try to think positively & tell myself that i have had my heartache & next time everything will be fine. I know to well though, that it isn't always just a one off & that it can happen 2 or maybe 3 times & that kills me! To read about the other lady's stories who have experienced this more than once is heartbreaking & i truly hope that they can all get their faith back & heal properly!

I too hope that you can get past the immense pain that you are feeling now, but remember you have to grieve properly to be able to do that & although i found it hard to cry & for some reason felt like i had to be strong for others & hold them while they cried for me..... somehow i made it through & i'm not saying that i have completely come to terms with what has happened, but more that i have accepted that it has, and i realise that life has to go on & i want to begin another new life inside of me....... one that will help me even more with my healing process..... without forgetting my little angel Caitlyn :angel:

My husband & i waited for my first normal cycle to come & go (because my OB advised us that this would minimise the chances of another miscarriage), & then we started trying again, so i am basically due now for my 2nd period since my D& C & i am not sure what to expect really. Because i was on the contracetive pill for 6 years before trying to fall pregnant the first time, i wasn't really sure of my cycle length because while i was on the pill, it was spot on by the packet, so it's hard to determine whether i am late or not!!! Since going off the pill, it took me 4 & a half months to fall pregant (with Caitlyn), & that's because my body was getting back into it's own swing of things & my cycle length was changing every month :confused:

The first cycle before falling with Caitlyn was 32 days, then the next was 36 days & then the next one didn't come because i was pregnant...... so as you can see, i'm definately not regular & at the moment i am on day 35 of my cycle, so going by my cycle length before i fell pregnant the first time, i am still within normal cycle length & could still be possibly getting my period within the next couple of days..... i hope not though ;)

I wasn't sure whether to wait one or two cycles before trying to fall pregnant again, as there was no right advise (everyone's opinions were different), & although some people say to leave it 2 cycles before trying again, i sooo desperately wanted another baby to help me fill that void & help with the healing process, so we started after the first cycle.... & i felt ready emotionally at this time also! So if i don't get him/her this time, i guess there is next month & to me if it doesn't happen this time around, then it's probably because my body knows that it needed more time to heal & prepare itself for another pregnancy.... a healthy pregnancy :D

I found comfort in an article i read that said "Sometimes our bodies are not ready physically to follow through with a full-term pregancy, therefore they sometimes need a trial run". Not sure if you will find that same comfort, but i did ;)

Just remember that there is no right or wrong way/time frame to grieve & your pain is still very raw! My best advise to you is to keep talking about it to people you can open up to, & most of all.... talk to your husband about it! I know when my husband & i lost Caitlyn, i talked to him about it so many times a day for about 1 week :confused: I didn't want him to feel as though he couldn't ask me questions & i wanted him to feel comfortable talking about it rather than doing the man thing & not talking about it for fear of upsetting me. Talking about it with him helped me tremendously cos we discussed what we wanted to name her, what we would do with her ashes (not too sure anymore though.... still in the decision making process) & what questions to ask my OB when i had my follow up appointment etc. I think he felt relief that i was initiating conversations & i guess this helped him out a bit because then he didn't have to feel uneasy about broaching the subject.

Well anyhow i'll let you go now & i hope you CAN find your way to a stronger, more positive place within yourself (And you WILL), but first you need to grieve your loss & you seem as though you are doing that ;) You've taken this step anyway & you're talking to us, so keep your chin up & all the best for you in your future. I truly hope your path ahead is blessed.

With love & warm hugs, Crystal xoxoxox :wave:

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