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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

Hi everyone
I am sooo sorry to hear about everyone's losses.
I found this site by googling miscarriage at 17 weeks and came across a thread that was started earlier in the month. It was soooo similar to my situation that I decided to write as well.

I am writing about what happened because I can't seem to stop replaying everything in my mind. I just keep waking in the middle of the night and realizing I'm no longer pregnant and I'm just so heartbroken I can't stand it.
Last tues 1/30/07 (exactly 17 weeks pregnant) I woke up to some very light spotting. I noticed something in the toilet after I peed that reminded me of a mucus plug that is sometimes a signal that labor is going to begin. (I am completely fortunate to have two healthy little boys). I tried not to panic but I knew something wasn't right. The day before I had some lower back pain and even noted that i felt like I was going to get my period. I called the OB and they said to come in the morning. I go to a group of doctors, the one I was scheduled to see got called away to deliver a baby. But another OB agreed to fit me in after I insisted that I was having a problem. So I finally got into the doctors office and she could not find the baby's hearbeat and that my uterus was measuring a little small for 17 weeks. She told me not to overreact but she would send me for an ultrasound right away.

Up until that point everything had checked out. I had an ultrasound at 13 weeks and the baby was very active with a heart rate in the 150's. The ultrasound was part of the 1st screen test which also came back fine. The week before at 16 weeks I went for a checkup and did have a funny feeling about the appointment. It was a new doctor that I had not seen before and I felt she was short with me. She could not locate the baby's heartbeat for a while and then said that she found it (162) and that she could hear the baby moving away from the doppler. I didn't hear it. She said to schedule an appt for 3 weeks and I asked her about scheduling the ultrasound and she just said - "yea go ahead". I know this sounds strange but I am wondering if she really heard the baby's heartbeat? I did have my 5 year old with me so maybe she didn't want to tell me then?

Anyhow I called my husband and had him meet me at the hospital for the ultrasound. I didn't want to alarm him so I just told him that I was spotting slightly and they wanted to do an ultrasound. I still was optimistic that the baby was fine and my uterus was just in a funny position. But I asked the technician right away about the heartbeat and she said she would do measurements first and she had not gotten to that yet. She grew quiet and I knew she couldn't find the heartbeat. They sent us back to the OB office. The doctor told me that the baby was measuring about 14 weeks and had not made it. She told me that we would have to schedule a D&E and they would call me with a date and time. I asked her if my body was going to go into labor and she just said that I should really schedule the surgery. I truly did not know what was going to happen. This was considered a missed miscarriage bc the baby had died and I had not gone into labor yet.

Sorry this is so lengthy. So we went home to my two beautiful boys and just rested and cried. I did not know what to tell my 5 & 3 year olds. So we didn't tell them anything for now. They had been discussing names for the baby - Moe for a boy and Sophie for a girl. My 3 year old wanted Dino (for dinosaur) if it was a boy or a girl. But they knew something was not right and were super clingly to me for the entire evening.

So I woke up around 4AM with incredible cramps. I could barely move they were getting worse quickly. Since I had been through labor before i just thought that they would go on for a while without anything else happening. But I felt a huge gush of blood and rushed to the bathroom. I was completely covered with blood and starting to clean myself up when I felt something pass and I knew it was the baby. I was so scared I just held the baby as my husband called 911. I didn't know what to do the baby was still attached to a very thin thread of an umbilical cord and I wasn't sure if I could cut it or not. Besides the fact that I was sooo frightened, i barely looked at the baby. He fit it my one hand (we found out later that he was a boy). The EMT people helped me and took me to the hospital. I wish I wasn't so afraid.

At the hospital, I continued to bleed and finally delivered the placenta when my real ob got there. The nurse thought I had delievered the placenta earlier when I went to the bathroom but it must have been a huge blood clot. My blood pressure kept dropping to 60 over 30 and I just kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I finally started to come around and the nurse wanted to know if we wanted to see the baby. I still wasn't sure but my husband had not gotten a good look and did want to see him. He was so precious and perfect looking with his little hands and feet. That's when the nurse said they thought he was a boy and showed us why. I quickly said goodbye to him. I know I keep saying this but I wish I just spent a few more minutes with him to tell him how much I loved him from the moment we found out we were expecting. I just kept getting so dizzy whenever I saw him. We decided to name him Jack:angel: . I want to have a small memorial with my husband and I to say goodbye. The hospital said that the baby will be buried in a special plot designated for this situation in a christian manner (it was a catholic hospital). This sounds ok with me as we do not have any cemetery plots, etc. I want him to be with other small babies. But I would like to give him something, maybe a small blanket or toy to keep him warm and not alone. Hopefully we can figure all of this out in the early part of next week.

Thank you so much for listening (if you could even make it through all of this). I wish you all the best. I know that it is going to take a while to get through this. The way everything happened was soo unexpected and I never expected to deliver my dead baby at my house but I do feel fortunate that I was able to see him and hold him for a short time. If I had the procedure I would not have had that opportunity. Although I feel traumatized, I am glad for that. I know that I need to be there for my two wonderful boys, so I will probably seek counseling to try and help. I hope it does because the way I feel now is that things will never be better.

Thanks again for listening.

A big long (((HUG))) to you. As I write this I am having tears running down my face as I have not been having a very good day. I am impressed by the strength you are showing under such heart wrenching circumstances just make sure you give yourself time to grieve. I don't know if it was my post you read about losing a baby at 17 weeks due to incompetent cervix or not but I know how you are feeling. It is so hard to give birth to a baby that you know isn't going to live or has already died, they take a part of you with when they go. I agree with you that it nice that your baby can be buried by other babies. Our son Dylan will be buried in the spring 4 feet away from his brother Shawn who we lost 3 years ago. Dylan was also born in a Catholic Hospital so they did not baptise him but did bless him.

I am so glad you and your husband spent time with your son, Jack, it is so hard to hold that little body when you so desperately want it back inside your womb. I am forever grateful for the time I had with my boys. I don't know what kind of support you are getting from friends and family but there are a lot of great resources online and within your community. Most hospitals have some sort of grief support group, I going to attend one this time, I really need because I have been really having a hard time going through the grieving process this time and I think sharing in person with other women who know what I'm talking about can only help. We also sent out announcements for Shawn and Dylan to friends and family to let people know that they existed, were loved, and will be missed terribly. Some people might think sending an announcement of a babies death is morbid, well they can jump in a lake, whatever you and your family decide to do to help you heal from this loss, do it. I have started putting together scrap books and shadow boxes for each of Shawn and Dylan's things and hope it helps me heal. You are probaby still in shock from just recently going through this, so take your time going through this.

I am so glad you also have two boys at home to love! It can be a double edged sword though when you look at your sons faces and wonder why they got to be here and why your Jack won't grow up too. I wish I had some brilliant answer to make sense of it, I don't. All I can say is that I am so very sorry and that you are in my thoughts and prayers. It will get better too, as lousy as I feel I do have good moments now and I know that over time it will continue to get better. If only I could see you in person I would love to give you a hug while we both cry, and if you feel like it, cry, it does help to get it out.

I have rambled on enough, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself in your thoughts as well. Love and hugs!!!! Susie
my heart goes out to you and I know nothing I can say will take away the hurt you are feeling. I ve had 4 miscarriages in total but the worst 2 were the boy I lost at 19 weeks in feb 2005 and the second boy I lost a year later at 15 weeks in March 2006. When I lost my 19 week baby I was absolutely devastated didnt know how I would cope and the first thing I thought about when they scanned me and told me there was no heart beat was what would I tell my 2 children who were 5 and 3 at the time they were really looking forward to having a brother or sister I think at the time thats what upset me most. Then it happened again and I knew the exact date he died because I bought a doppler as I was so paranoid as what had happened to me before I was constantly checking his heart beat from 10 weeks.
anyway at the time I was sure noone in the world could understand the pain and grief I was going through and it was a really hard time for me but I think realising that there are others who understand really helps.
Nothing I can say will ever bring your little boy back and I know the emptiness you are feeling will probably never go.
I was saying to Susie who posted to you that sometimes I get so bitter when I look at people who seem to have never have these sort of problems and find it so hard to talk to people without thinking at the back of my mind you dont know what Ive been through. I just hope we can help each other and I know it hasnt been that long since you lost your little boy just give yourself time to grieve and heal and remember that it is a long process. Wishing you the best in your recovery and if you ever need support there are always people on here who can understand part of what you are going through
Hi deeflynn,

I too had a miscarriage at 17 weeks and i'm not sure if it was my post that you read that you related to your own experience, however they sound very similar! I too passed my baby & knew what it was :dizzy:

The nurse on duty when i went into the hospital checked for my baby's heartbeat using a doppler also & she also said that she heard my baby's heartbeat. But just like you, i wasn't convinced so i wanted another opinion. It was only by chance that my obstetrician came in, as there were two other lady's with problems who had the same obstetrician as me. Otherwise the nurse was going to send me home! I couldn't believe it when the nurse told me that they have the ultrasound equipment on campus, but are not qualified to use it :mad: This really got my goat, because in situations like this we need assurance & being left in limbo & being given false hope is wrong.

I think you should make a complaint, as your baby was deceased 2 weeks prior to you being told by that Obstetrician that she heard a heartbeat. I think that if they are in doubt (or until we are convinced 100%), they should not make comments as to whether our baby's are ok or not! The nurse that was searching for my baby's heartbeat said to me "Either you have a very active bowel or a very athletic baby", totally making it sound as though everything was ok. I can remember her words off by heart, and i can't get over how she tried to raise my hopes when she obviously had some doubt. She shouldn't have speculated!!! She even got another nurse to try & find the heartbeat, but she also struggled & in the end just agreed with the first nurse & said that she thinks everything will be fine (which it wasn't).

As numb as i was when i was told by my Obstetrician that my baby had died, i can still remember the look on the nurses face when he was looking at the screen. My Obstetrician was not saying much, but i could tell by the way he was looking at the screen and the expression on his face that it wasn't good & the nurse could see it also. So when he told me the news, the nurse wouldn't even make eye contact and although that was the last thing that was going through my mind at the time, i remembered afterwards how she just looked shocked and possibly worried because of what she had told me earlier & then she didn't say a word & just walked out of the room. If i had been thinking straight at the time (which, to be honest..... none of us do), i would have told her to spare people the extra pain & not make uneducated guesses without 100% certainty :mad:

I'm sorry i've made this post into something about me. I'm just trying to share my experience because our cases sound very similar & it angers me that not only 1 nurse, but 2 (yours was an obstretrician), have put us through this heartache. Something does need to be done & i feel like writing a complaint in regards to the matter so that noone else should have to endure that same disappointment & pain!!! Atleast not from the same nurse who said it to me. She could well have learnt her lesson & be more certain in the future, but i do think that it can't hurt & it will show her that people's feelings shouldn't be treated in that way. I miscarried on the 9th December 2006 so my pain is also still very raw & i'm sure the hospital won't ask why the complaint has come months after it happened because they would know that we're not exactly going to make a complaint right there on the spot after we have just been told that our precious child has died :angel:

Anyhow my advise to you is to atleast speak to someone about what happened, even if you don't make a formal complaint (just to let the obstetrician & other relevant people know) that this happened. It weighs on my mind constantly & everyone i tell just says "What a silly nurse.... why did she say that?" and that's the question that keeps coming into my mind aswell & i just can't answer it. It hurts that she said what she did, but i am glad i trusted my instincts & got to see my Obstetrician, otherwise i would have come home & been worried out of my mind :confused:

Well i'd better stop rambling, but stay positive and keep your chin up hun :)

Warm hugs Crystal xoxoxox

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