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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

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Hi Ladies,

Not sure if anyone has experienced these feelings before, but when my baby girl died, i was given the option to either have her cremated with all of the other babies who had died or to have her cremated individually & keep the ashes. The pastoral care nurse said it is best not to sit the ashes on the mantle piece permanently, as it can create a barrier for healing & suggested to maybe spread the ashes somewhere special on her due date, however at the time i was so sure that i wanted to spread the ashes into the ocean with a little service for her on her due date, but now i'm sooo confused! :confused: May is approaching rapidly & i'm feeling more & more confused & it feels as though there's a pressure to do something!

I wanted to spread Caitlyn's ashes in the ocean so that she could be free & travel :angel: ..... and then she could return home anytime she wanted, but now i can't seem to stomach the thought of parting with her, incase i regret the decision :confused:

There's just so many mixed feelings & if only i could do what i had planned & then reverse it if i wanted to. Shortly after picking up Caitlyn's ashes i brought a tiny little trinket box with a little fairy ontop & i have put Caitlyn's ashes in it & it's sitting on my dresser in the family room. I don't feel like having her here is stopping me from healing properly, but at the same time, i would like to acknowledge her due date with something special & i don't know what to do if i'm not going to spread her ashes. I feel like either way i could regret my decision..... if i spread the ashes i could regret that & want them back, but if i don't spread them on her due date like i had planned, i could regret that aswell cos her due date would have passed & i would not have set her free :confused:

Does anybody else have these feelings? It seems that no matter what decision i make i am going to feel guilty inside. I keep telling myself that Caitlyn would love to be free (& it's a nice thought in theory) but at the same time i wonder whether she just wants to stay here with me & her Daddy.... warm in our home :angel:

There's just no inbetween for me at the moment & i know that if i choose to wait til i'm ready emotionally, this would be better because spreading Caitlyn's ashes is FOREVER!!! Atleast if i have the ashes, i will not regret not spreading them on her due date as much as i would regret spreading them i the ocean & then wanting them back!!! So i s'pose if i weigh it up that way, then i have basically just answered my own question.... but it is sooo hard & i never knew that these feelings would arise. Will they pass? I feel that i have dealt with my experience quite well really & i don't want this to weigh on my concience & stick me in reverse! What i'm trying to say is that i wasn't expecting this barrier i guess.... & just want to know if anyone else has experienced these feelings & how they dealt with them.

Any advise greatly appreciated :confused:

Love Crystal xoxoxox
We are dealing with the same issue. My son passed away Jan 12, and we have not decided what to do with his ashes either. We had thought of spreading them somewhere, planting them with a tree, but now we are thinking that we want to keep them for a little while and decide when the time is right and what feels right. It is a difficult decision, you have to let your heart guide you.
I have never been through this and I can't say I know how you feel, but you really don't seem to want to let go of her ashes and that's ok. You don't have to do it just because you were told that keeping your baby's ashes could stop the healing process. There's nothing wrong with keeping them. I thought it was lovely when you wrote that maybe she just wants to stay at home warm with her mommy and daddy. You have been through so much and maybe when the time feels totally right you may someday want to spread her ashes somewhere but don't do it until you are positive that's what feels right for you.
God Bless you and I hope for the best for your family
I must have gone to a horrible hospital because they just told that the baby's woudl be buried all together in a christian manner ( bc of the hospital) and on that horrible day I just accepted that. But I decided to check into it and I can go ahead and call a funeral parlor and they will take care of either cremation or perhaps burying the baby. My only thing was that I wanted to bury the baby near a loved one and there is not any room near my grandmother who is buried in the area. Most others are buried elswhere. So I'm going to check into a cemetery that I heard has a place for small babies. I just feel horrible leaving the baby at the hospital. So yes I am unsure as to what to do with the baby in general. My husband has suggested cremation but we have no idea of where to spread the ashes. And I'm not sure I would be able to part with them either. I definately do not think that you should unless or until you are completely sure of what you want. You need to listen to yourself and not to what others say you should do.
Good luck with your decision.
Take care -D
I am so sorry for your loss. I have never had this happen to me (only pets), but I don't think holding onto the ashes is preventing you from healing. If spreading her ashes would make you feel better, definately do it. If you want one place to go to see them, you can buy a small burial plot or just keep them in your house. Whatever you decide to do, it's completely up to you and your husband. Just remember, she's up in heaven and doesn't matter to her what you decide :) God Bless.
I'm not sure what made me stop here in this particular section...perhaps the memory of similiar feelings when I lost my first born son in 1975. Please let me share what we decided to do with his ashes.

We had visited Michigan's Upper Peninsula many times...and, after much talk, decided this is where we would have loved to take our little red-headed son each summer if he had survived. We drove the 9 hour trip with that little brass urn between us. Finding the perfect place took some time. After taking several sandy lanes thru the beautiful area, we found an old abandoned sawmill...a beautiful clear little pond, a huge pile of sawdust, an old cog-wheeled tractor, beautiful trees and whispering wind...not exactly what I had first pictured when we set out, but the kind of place one would take an 8yr. old. We found an old foundation with a stand of pine trees near, and decided it was the perfect place! We were surprised when we left that the nearest town...about 5 miles away...was called "Paradise"!

Three miscarriages...then 2 live births (daughter is now 29, son is 25!) followed. We usually make the drive at least once a year....sometimes more. My children grew up knowing their brother was now part of that site.

There was a story in the paper about 10 years after Steven's birth/death. It was about a family that was vacationing up there and had taken their kids and an old beloved Irish setter. It exactly described the old sawmill. The old dog ran in and out with the children...exploring everywhere. They felt terrible when that old dog just lay down and quit breathing. The decision was made to continue their vacation and bury him in that beautiful spot. my imagination, I see a beautiful red dog running along with my little fella.

Thank you for letting me reminisce.........Pam;)
HI Numb one

I too still have my baby son's ashes. He died in Jan. 05. I also thought I would want to sprinkle them here or there but have not been able to let go. At first I felt terrible that I could not do it, but now am at peace with it. I will let him go when I am ready. His 2nd anniversary has come and gone and his ashes are still on a little shelf with all his stuffed animals and other baby things. My second son was born in Aug. 06 and I thought once he was born I could sprinkle the ashes but still cannot. I feel that our baby is with us all warm and cozy in his little blue box and still part of our family.

The main thing is, ashes are just that. Your child IS free. . .do a search for the song "Fly Little Wing" by Celine Dionne. IT is so beautiful I have that song framed.

don't feel like you have to do anything. Do what feels right. In time you may change your mind but if your not ready yet your not ready.

Also Petal Pusher, I enjoyed your story.

My daughter was stillborn 8 years ago and I still have her ashes in a beautiful urn in the china cabinet. I don't think that it has in any way prevented me from healing. 8 years down the road, I can honestly say that life happens, good and bad and that I've accepted her loss.

My intention is to keep her ashes right where they are and when I pass away, I'll have her ashed interred right along with mine.

My sympathies on your loss. It's a long, hard road but with time, there is an acceptance that this is all part of your life.

Petal Pusher, I also loved your story. I think each of us knows exactly what it right for our little angel and that it just doesn't make sense to follow the opinion of someone who does counselling for the masses. Every situation is different.
Thankyou all sooo much for your advise & your stories :) From reading all of your responses, i have realised that i need to do what MY heart tells me! At this point i have decided to keep Caitlyn's ashes & i actually feel quite at peace with my decision now, so thankyou all so much again!

Wizard..... that thought had actually only crossed my mind yesterday (about having Caitlyn's ashes intered with mine when i pass away), & then when i just read your response i felt so happy that other people have also done that same thing! It would mean a lot to me, as Caitlyn was & always will be a part of me & by doing it this way, we will truely be together again someday.... as one :angel:

So to close..... i can't thank you all enough for your responses to my question & for all of your support. A great weight has been lifted & i can now move on with my life & feel assured that my decision is now MY choice, not somebody elses. It was great hearing so many different peoples preferences & what you have each done with your children's ashes, as this provided me with some beautiful ideas & i was able to think up one of my own which makes me feel even more proud of my decision :D

It's amazing really how each of us differs so much, but in the end we all have the same needs in regards to this..... just a feeling of assurance that our decision is the right one. That's why when i was making my cup of tea in the kitchen yesterday, gazing over at Caitlyn's ashes on the dresser, something just clicked & it's as if that was the answer i was looking for all along..... like it was staring me right in the face! It just felt sooo right & then when i read Wizards reply this morning, it was like a positive sign that i had made the right decision for myself & for Caitlyn :angel: Maybe it was a sign from Caitlyn (from heaven) that she is also happy with my decision & that there's nothing that she would like more than to be with her mummy again someday :) I think........ so strongly now, that i must have been in doubt with my initial choice (although i thought it was what i wanted at the start) & maybe the unsureness was just helping me to really think about what.... I..... really wanted & what was going to help me feel at ease with the decision.

Just a quick note for everyone else that is asking themselves this same question though..... It is sooo important that you make this decision for yourself & that (although other peoples ideas are so invaluable) at the end of the day, you need to know that you have made the right choice for yourself..... and you'll know!!! You will feel a strong sense of achievement & it will just feel sooo right, so thankyou all again & again & again. I am forever greatful to all of you ;)

Warm hugs Crystal :wave:
I had 2 sons pass away, one on July 26th and the other on January 12th. They are each in an angel urn and are in my bedroom. My fiance thought maybe having them out was preventing my healing, but it gives me peace to see them the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. I've never thought about spreading them anywhere so that's obviously not the right thing for me right now. I think that if and when the time is right, I'll know what to do, but at this time...this feels right. All you can do is follow your heart.
Hi Crystal
I'm so glad that you have found peace with Caitlyn's ashes. It must be a weight off your chest and you can feel as if you are moving forward. :)

I definately do not know what to do with baby Jack. I felt so horrible leaving him at the hospital but was not given any options as to what i could do.
From stumbling on to this message board I feel like I can somehow find a way to honor his short life with me. We did manage to decide on cremation and will decide from there what we should do. I feel like taking the step to have him cremated is a step forward and we can figure out what is best for us from there. I am thinking that we should do something on his due date, but what I'm still unsure.

From reading [B]all[/B] of your posts you have given me hope that this horrible month will eventually become a part of my life that happened and we will eventually heal from it. Thank you for being here and helping others.

Petal pusher i was very moved by your story and have been to the UP before as we make the trek to Michigan during most summers. thanks for your sage advice.

My best to all of you
Hi There,

My tears is nonstop running to read your story as I also have the same dilema right now. We still don't know yet what to do with my stillborn son. I personally want to keep him with me, but family member want different way. As everyone said were right, I just want to take the time and then decide what to do.
as soon as my sons body is brought back from the autopsy and then the crematory me and my boyfriend are going to bury his ashes. my bf is kinda freaked out having them in the house.

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