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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

Hi Ladies,

Not sure if anyone has experienced these feelings before, but when my baby girl died, i was given the option to either have her cremated with all of the other babies who had died or to have her cremated individually & keep the ashes. The pastoral care nurse said it is best not to sit the ashes on the mantle piece permanently, as it can create a barrier for healing & suggested to maybe spread the ashes somewhere special on her due date, however at the time i was so sure that i wanted to spread the ashes into the ocean with a little service for her on her due date, but now i'm sooo confused! :confused: May is approaching rapidly & i'm feeling more & more confused & it feels as though there's a pressure to do something!

I wanted to spread Caitlyn's ashes in the ocean so that she could be free & travel :angel: ..... and then she could return home anytime she wanted, but now i can't seem to stomach the thought of parting with her, incase i regret the decision :confused:

There's just so many mixed feelings & if only i could do what i had planned & then reverse it if i wanted to. Shortly after picking up Caitlyn's ashes i brought a tiny little trinket box with a little fairy ontop & i have put Caitlyn's ashes in it & it's sitting on my dresser in the family room. I don't feel like having her here is stopping me from healing properly, but at the same time, i would like to acknowledge her due date with something special & i don't know what to do if i'm not going to spread her ashes. I feel like either way i could regret my decision..... if i spread the ashes i could regret that & want them back, but if i don't spread them on her due date like i had planned, i could regret that aswell cos her due date would have passed & i would not have set her free :confused:

Does anybody else have these feelings? It seems that no matter what decision i make i am going to feel guilty inside. I keep telling myself that Caitlyn would love to be free (& it's a nice thought in theory) but at the same time i wonder whether she just wants to stay here with me & her Daddy.... warm in our home :angel:

There's just no inbetween for me at the moment & i know that if i choose to wait til i'm ready emotionally, this would be better because spreading Caitlyn's ashes is FOREVER!!! Atleast if i have the ashes, i will not regret not spreading them on her due date as much as i would regret spreading them i the ocean & then wanting them back!!! So i s'pose if i weigh it up that way, then i have basically just answered my own question.... but it is sooo hard & i never knew that these feelings would arise. Will they pass? I feel that i have dealt with my experience quite well really & i don't want this to weigh on my concience & stick me in reverse! What i'm trying to say is that i wasn't expecting this barrier i guess.... & just want to know if anyone else has experienced these feelings & how they dealt with them.

Any advise greatly appreciated :confused:

Love Crystal xoxoxox

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