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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

Hi, I thought it might make me feel just a little better to post my experience with miscarriage. I am 31 years old, and I was surprised when I found out I was pregnant with my 5th child back in February. My husband and I weren't expecting it, but we were so happy to know that we'd be expanding the family anyway! Since I had never miscarried before, I just took it for granted that all would go well, and started telling everybody we knew. Looking back, I feel like such a jerk - people would say "congratulations!", and I would say back, "yeah, if that's what you say with your 5th baby", jokingly. My other children's ages are 10 (Austin), almost 5 (Emily), 3 (Sean), almost 2 (Annie). I took the older two with me for our 12 week appointment, we were so excited to hear our new baby's heartbeat for the first time. The doctor couldn't find it of course, and scheduled me for an ultrasound the next morning, 4/19, to check for the missed miscarriage. I never once thought anything was wrong. I honestly thought that the baby was just hiding in a back corner and that the ultrasound would show us an active, vibrant little babycakes.
But as it turned out, I was lying by myself in the ultrasound room with my husband and youngest daughter waiting in the waiting room. I knew right away that the baby had died, she wasn't moving and the technician was very subdued. There was no heartbeat. She had died at 11 weeks.
I started to cry, I was shocked, overwhelmed with grief, and I asked to please see my baby. The tech turned the screen and there she was, perfectly formed, perfectly still. I have never felt grief the way I did once I realized my baby had died. It doesn't matter if it's your 1st baby, or your 10th baby, or whatever. I never knew a miscarriage could feel this devestating. I thank God for my other kids, and my husband. They give me the strength to get out of bed every morning. But I will love and miss the baby I never got to hold or touch for the rest of my life. Part of me died with her. I will never take my kids for granted again. For only having existed 10 short weeks, my baby left her mark on my heart and soul forever. I am grateful for the time we had together.
I went in for a d & e the next morning at the hospital I should have delivered at, boy was that hard. There really are no words to describe the sorrow of losing your baby. I just wanted to post something to help other moms who are going through this who want to know they're not alone - you're not! It's okay to cry, and feel depressed, you've got a hole in your heart that will never completely heal.
Thanks for reading this and thanks to all the other moms and dads who's posts I read that helped bring me some comfort during this difficult time of loss. You and your babies are in my prayers!

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