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Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Miscarriage & Still Birth Board Index

I woke up today and looked in the mirror and realized how sad my life is. I realize that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone. Nobody wants to be with me. My baby even rejected me.

When does getting over a miscarriage get easier? I would be 3 Ĺ months pregnant. Itís been 7 weeks since I lost my baby but it still feels like yesterday. I can still see the look on my doctorís face during the sonogram and knew that he could no longer see the heartbeat. I can still hear him tell me that he was sorry but the heartbeat was gone and I would need to have surgery to remove the pregnancy that day. I remember him telling me itís not my fault. Those words play in my head everyday. How can a dream be taken away from me? What have I done so wrong in my life that I continue to be punished? Am I that bad of a human being that I deserve this?

For most people, they think I should well be over my grief right now. But of course these are all people with kids of their own. I donít think people understand the emptiness I have inside after losing the baby. I have such a hole in my heart from this and feel like a piece of me died that horrible day, March 16, 2007. That day will always torture me.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy. I finally felt what real happiness was. I finally thought my life was taking the right turn, but instead it led me straight off a cliff.
I ask myself everyday, Why? Why Me? I am so sick of feeling this way.
I may not be good at relationships, but being a Mom was something I knew I would be good at. I have been taking care of other peopleís kids since I was a kid.

My struggle with infertility has changed my life. If my life was not bad enough to begin with, itís just gotten worse over my 3 Ĺ year struggle. I feel like less of a woman then I should be. Having a baby is not supposed to be this hard. Isnít this supposed to be one of my rights as being a woman? I am supposed to bring life into this world. That is my job as a woman and I continue to fail at that. Why would I ever want to have a relationship with someone when I know that I cannot provide a family for him? Who wants to waste their time with someone who is ďdamaged goodsĒ? People say that not all men want a family, but then I have to say that is not the right man for me. I want a man whose dream it is to be a father. To have a daddyís girl or play ball in the backyard with his son. I want the whole dream, but I donít even have a fraction of it.

My sadness can strike at any moment. I see a pregnant woman on the street and I am jealous. I see a baby and I cry. I canít even go into a store anymore without getting upset walking down the aisle in the supermarket when I pass the baby food. I canít go shopping because when I see baby clothes or toys, I have to leave.

It hurts so much to want something more than ever. I donít think I am asking for a lot. I just want a family. I want someone to love and to love me unconditionally. I am not asking for a big house or expensive cars or jewelry or any other greedy possession. I just want to bring life into this world and joy into mine.

People tell me they admire my courage in doing this. That it is not easy and being alone makes it harder. Of course I know that, but I have been willing to give up everything for a baby. I have put myself through countless degrading procedures, torturous injections. My body is not my own anymore. I feel like a human science project. But one that never gets the blue ribbon at the fair. Whatís the consolation prize?? Depression, sadness, grief and an aching heart.

So, does one every get over losing a baby? Every Friday, I say to myself, Oh I would be this amount of weeks pregnant. I used to love Fridays but now its just a painful reminder of the day of lost my son and a dream.

Sorry so long - Just having a rough time

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